Monday, April 26, 2010

I'm a Dreamer

Roy called me yesterday.  He’s such a funny boy.  I told him that I tried Vegan, Bacon, Brownies and he said “There are 13 different things wrong with that.”  At one point in the conversation I said “I honestly don’t think that I have anything else of any interest to say.” His response? “That’s okay.  I’ll wait until you think of something.” 
We were at CPK when I saw a Father/Son duo wearing matching school sweatshirts that read “Eastside Catholic: Home of the Crusaders.”  This is not a joke people.
So this guy on Match winked at me... and when I read his profile I saw that the 5th word was "Confindent."  I don't know what possessed me but I sent him an email saying: 
I don't want to tell you what to do b/c that would be a TERRIBLE first impression.... but I will say that I am confident that you spelled something incorrectly in the first sentence of your profile. I would hate for ladies to not say hello to you due entirely to a typo. And we would, b/c we are that judgmental. True Fact. 
His response was: 
Sometimes it’s just not worth it to be helpful.
On the Matching news front, Laina found a guy in one of those suspender/wrestling/spandex get ups lying on some rocks.  While humorous in and of itself, Laina proceeded to make me want to pee myself when she told me that she had met Danny Bonaduce walking (not riding) a bike along the beach in a similar outfit only sporting a looser white T-shirt underneath.  Danny proceeded to approach Laina and her friend—essentially trolling for fans. 
I was on the phone with Mo this weekend while she was down at the lake.  Her boys had picked up some feathers off the ground.  Mo paused in the conversation to tell her children “Stick them in the fence to show their friends what we do to geese.” 
Yesterday we were discussing what constitutes as “exercise.”  Elan pointed out that some national health group announced that playing the drums on Rock Band is considered to satisfy the daily exercise requirement.  Luke readily replied, “Ya. When I play the drums my butt sweats.”  Ah, the true indicator of a good workout. 
Due to the fact that I’m not cool enough to know where the hotspots are, Elan had to tell me that there is a cool restaurant in Fremont called Elemental.  Apparently they are super snobby, often telling people that there won’t be any seats until 9 and even if you come back at 9 there probably won’t be room for you then either.  The wife of the owner of Elemental proceeded to open her own place next door called “Elemental without the Attitude.”  They use the same kitchen, but are nice and warm to their customers.  I thought if the couple was divorced we were looking at the makings of a super terrific TV pilot.
I have been having the most vivid dreams lately.  In one, I got married to a complete stranger while we were all at a soccer game and then every friend and family member of mine went on a major camping/sleepover at our old neighbor’s house.  I was surprised to find that I was okay with a quick wedding and telling people later.  When my mother questioned me I came back with “Grandma and Grandpa got married after a week in a courthouse.”  Even dream Tiffany is a smart mouth.  The most awkward moment was that I wanted to tell Shana and my other friends that I had married that guy sitting on the couch without the guy/my husband hearing me.  Ya I know. THAT was the most awkward part.  I also woke up at 6 am yesterday knowing that my friend was absolutely pregnant and moving and had to text them right away.   I’m sure they loved getting that helpful information. 
In other news… I think Starbucks might have gotten my suggestion letter:
I hit up the HopScotch Festival this weekend—and do you know there wasn’t a single person playing HopScotch?  Major oversight if you ask me.  I mean what could be funnier than a bunch of people drunk on Beer and Scotch trying to hop around and after accurately tossing tiny stones onto a bunch of squares made of chalk?   My mother mentioned this would be a fabulous addition to my Aunt and Uncle’s fancy 50th anniversary party.  It would be both classy AND entertaining. 
I was at the grocery store when they were asking me about bags and I said to the clerk, “I guess since it’s Earth Day, I don’t need a bag.  But you can be sure that I will need one when I come back tomorrow.” 
Yesterday, my friend ran into his cousin’s nephew and brother in law (who he had celebrated many a holiday in the past) and said “Hi! How are you?” Father looked at son and said “Who was that guy?” and walked away. 

Monday, April 19, 2010

Oh So Very Classy


On Friday night I actually said “I cannot WAIT to write my Monday email this week.”  Yet, Monday morning proved that I actually could wait.  Imagine that. 
Last week I read 5 ½ books by Christopher Pike (I’m trying to drag the last one out.)  Shana gave it to me for my birthday and I was very excited b/c a) my mother never let me read Christopher Pike b) it was about Vampires and c) Teen lit is my new go-to-reading material.  Subsequently I have contacted several young’ins to find out what they are reading at the moment.  I don’t need your approval b/c I know Cristi will back me up on this.  Shana also got me a book on how to be Classy and frankly it made me so upset that at one point I may have thrown it across the room—take that for lady-like behavior. 

So I managed to not have to go shamefully alone on the one day cruise that we decided to go on in May b/c Becky is the kind of girl who is always up for a good time.  We’re going to take a train up to Vancouver and cruise it back to Seattle—but before that we have promised to have an Oreo’s taste test.  Rumor has it that the Oreo’s up in Canada are not only better but that they are made with, get this, NATURAL ingredients.  I know, it sounds made up so we’ll just have to wait and see how to the blind taste test goes.   Oh, and Shana made me try Chocolate Chip and Bacon Cookie Dough and I was shocked to find that I was the only one who did NOT care for it. 

Maureen has been coaching the track team—and last week I got a phone call at around 9:30 as she was just getting back from a meet.  There were 6 teams competing and ½ way through the meet the 5 other teams came up to Sleepy Hollow to see if they had any knowledge of their many iPods and iPhones that had suddenly gone missing.   Naturally this would be disturbing in any situation, but I thought it was particularly upsetting given that the thief had broken the “wallet in the toe of the shoe at the beach” rule.  I mean, how many of us have been at a game and left our bags out confident that no one would break the unwritten code that we all have our stuff laying out here during the game so we need to respect everyone’s vulnerability.   Mo said that one girl had been given several iPods by the main thief but waited to speak up saying “I didn’t know.”  No, it was just coincidental that she was holding 5 extra iPods in her purse.  Sounds to me like these fine folks might just be in track so they can learn how to run from the cops… Just sayin’.

Becky asked me this week “Is there going to be more of your nephew stories this week?  I love your nephews.  If my niece was that funny maybe I would pay attention to her.”  Well… Mo got a call about writing a curriculum for a 6 hour course and 6 year old Kevin said “I think you should do it Mom.  I mean I’m not forcing you to. You can make your own decisions.  I just think it would be a good idea.”  So young and yet so wise.

My first date happened on Thursday.  I show up to this teeny bar which is empty, so I know Svend from Denmark has not arrived yet, so I wait outside.  As I’m standing there, this other gentleman starts talking to me, and were chatting and laughing when Svend shows up so we go into the bar.  We chat for about an hour when he needs to use the restroom, and immediately when he leaves these two guys next to me start chatting with me and we’re having a fun conversation when Svend returns and I try to wrap up that new conversation while Svend asks if I want to go to Cowgirls, Inc (which is basically like Coyote Ugly with chicks dancing on the bar.)  So we head over there and the girls are dancing and I’m all “I did that once—they let anyone up there” only now were in a loud bar in which we have to yell to hear each other.  That lasted all of 30 minutes before I gave up and said I was ready to go.  And no, I didn’t go back to the first bar to find the other guys, and yes, I regret that inaction. 

Friday, after going out for drinks we hit up a bar/restaurant for some food and that’s when my love possibilities doubled.   A man who I’m still not sure whether or not was he was homeless, full grey beard sporting athletic shorts comes to the empty backroom that we were occupying and asks us for the time.  When we said it was 1:29, he told us that was his favorite number.  He then proceeded to take out a wad of around 30 random sheets of paper (that he had collected and then folded twice) and remove one sheet and writes on the back of it the number 29, and before Laina could tell him to circle it he already had a semi-circle finished.  He then asked me if I wanted to see a James Taylor and Carole King concert.  Now, here’s where I might have led him on.  See I love James Taylor and Carole King so I hesitated a bit before saying that I would love to, but that I had just met him.  As he wrote down his contact information and the other details, Rach and Laina questioned why I should go to the concert with him. 

Friends: Why should she go with you?
Old Man: B/c she gorgeous.
Friends: No, we know why everyone would want to go with her, but why would she want to go with you.
Old Man: Well, she’s blonde and beautiful…
Friends: No, we get it.  We understand her appeal, what is yours?
Old Man: See you’re lovely, she’s pretty, but This one here… she is really something.
Friends: We’re going to need a list of attributes.
Old Man: I’m a nice guy. (writes that down.)  I have a heart of gold. (writes that down.) I would give the shirt off of my back to a guy in the gutter or the president… really to anyone that I meet.  (writes that down.)  Other guys might be fearful (writes that down) but I’m not.  I live my life.
Friends: Now do you have the tickets?
Old Man: Oh no, but I know a guy (points to cell phone.)  I can give him a call.  When’s your birthday?
Me: April 7th.
Old Man: Oh, well mine’s April 30th. Aries and Taurus that’s no good—but it’s just a concert.  You give me a call before April 30th and we’ll go. 

And do you know what I love most about this story? It’s not that he provided notes (though that is helpful):
He also gave me the blue prints of where we’re going to live… including the walk in closet!

Don’t worry. Yes, we all cleansed our hands after accepting the piece of paper.  Yes, I promise to call him on his birthday—and yes, I decided to go to the concert.  Just not with him.  Although, how awkward would it be if we bumped into each other? Oh Noes!


Some of you might know that I have serious mood swings about these emails I send out, and while it may crush the very last piece of my self-worth, I think it might be nice to get a note back saying that, I don’t know, you received this, or that you never want to receive another, or hell, go crazy and tell me what’s going on with you.  Roy suggested a simple email with the text “gyro” would do as well if you don’t want to strain yourself.  A “Get out of Jail Free” card has been extended to Jim and Maureen for responding to every email I’ve ever sent.  You are the wind beneath my wings. 

In other news, I printed out over 1200 pictures the other day.  I tried to be all discreet by using the machine but it literally started blinking and freaking out telling me it was TOO MUCH! TOO MUCH! And I needed to seek professional help… from the chick at the counter that is. 

I also went to a Beauty School to get my hair did by the only male in the whole school.  (I told Shana’s hair salon owning friend this story and about how he
hated blow drying and he very perceptively deduced that he was also straight.)  It was 4 ½ hours of beautifying, but the delightful activity and drama was entertaining.  After making a funny comment under his breath then apologizing, he told me not only did he learn a new level of mocking at beauty school he also learned how to gossip and be passive aggressive.  Ah, the not so beautiful underbelly of cosmetology.

Yesterday, I met this chick from Chicago.  In an effort to make small talk, I mentioned that I had just watched Pirate Radio, and despite my lackluster feelings for Phillip Seymore Hoffman, I really loved the movie.  She was appalled to hear my thoughts on PSH, I told her two movies that I didn’t like that he was in, she said “but he won academy awards for those!”  Here’s the thing, I know he’s a fine actor, but I never like the characters he chooses to play, so I don’t run out to see his movies.  She then inquired after an actor I did like, and when I told her John Cusack she says “Yea.  John and Joan Cusack used to baby-sit for me.”  

AND THEN SHE JUST GOT UP AND WALKED AWAY!  Who does that to a girl!?

Monday, April 12, 2010

Birthday Wishes

If my Monday’s are in perfect order, I have a lil routine that gets this email out on time.  While I am still on schedule, I know that I have multiple pictures I want to share and that requires help from my resident photographer, so even though this may be late, I think it will be worth it.  Plus I’m meeting Rach for a late lunch at a “deli” that I’m willing to try b/c of my love of deli’s but let’s be honest, nothing beats a good NY deli. 
Let’s go back to where we left off… my birthday.  Yes, it was delightful.  Very strange not to be going to work or school—no meeting requests were sent out, no one to demand birthday wishes from.  This meant that the Brand Awareness that had been built for T O’B was going to have to be tested without a big media push or direct marketing.  I wasn’t nervous as much as resigned; it would be what it would be.  And it was good (largely in part I’m sure to the subtle assistance that is FaceBook –Thanks Janette’s Boyfriend!)  I got a really awesome cupcake bouquet from Becky.  The card that came with it simply said “Freakin’ 1800Flowers didn’t give me enough room for my poem.  Check your email.”
Dawne found out she was allergic to everything on the morning of my birthday.  The tradition around here is that you get to choose your dinner place on your birthday so I of course demanded Eggs Cashew with a side of Shrimp—or Mac-n-Cheese and Ben and Jerry’s.  I’ll let you decide what we ended up doing. 
When I was talking to my sister on my birthday she was also trying to get her kids to go to sleep.  Finally when Kyle came running to her to complain she stopped him and said “I’ll beat Kevin later, just go back to sleep.”  Satisfied with that answer, Kyle promptly went to bed. 
(I’m forcing this card to work for this subject… and I know it.)

I’m going to go back in time a bit.  Before D&J left for Mexico Jordan pulled me aside and said “I know I’ve asked a lot from you, but while were gone, I need you to kill the mouse.”   I told him this was not going to happen.  I mean I killed the fish the last time they left town; I can’t kill the mouse too!  And what the hell would I do with a dead mouse?  (My mom suggested I put it outside and let an eagle take it… I didn’t but check out the cool Eagle shot from yesterday below). Then while they were gone I noticed I hadn’t seen Abominable in over 24 hours so I got nervous.  Luke shook the cage and then we put on gloves and drew straws so to who was going to move the plastic igloo to see if she was dead.  And just as I was wrapping up the telling of this story to Dawne telling her that she was not dead, on my birthday, Dawne said “well, she’s dead now.”   Birthday rejoicing was had by all for the sad truth was Abominable was a sad lil mouse who led a miserable existence as she bled from the eyes and ears and was just so sickly that dying was the only happy news we got while she was with us.  RIP “Bom.” 
Naturally, the following day, Dawne’s Birthday, we went to the pet store to get new mice.  Now I’m not a huge fan of the mice.  For one, when Pudgy got loose in my room and I didn’t know at first if it was a pet mouse or a wild mouse that should be shoo’ed out my balcony door which emphasizes my position  that perhaps mice should not be pets.  Then when Pudgy persisted in living in my room for a month before I heard her try to sneak up by my pillows while I slept and had to run to Zach’s room where her cage was (and she followed me and promptly got into her cage) I knew that mice and I were not made to co-inhabit.  Never-the-less, I was all for supporting Dawne and her pursuit of new playmates. 
We got to the store and I spotted right away the mouse we needed and named her Spaz before she left the cage due to the fact that while the other 20 mice were sleeping, she was running around and then ran around trying to wake the others to play with her.  The guy at the store pulled the other black one we wanted and had Dawne hold her while he tried to get Spaz.  He pulled one lil mouse out and it wasn’t the right one so that mouse was crawling up his arm as he had a tube of 20 mice in the other hand and he looked at me to help and I definitively stated “oh no.  I don’t touch mice.  This is more of a spectator sport for me.”  Had he not had his hands full, I think he would have hit me. 
As we pulled into the driveway with our new friends we spotted at the door one beautiful bouquet and two teeny tiny bouquets—one for each of the mice welcoming to the Weisman family. 
 For my birthday I decided that I needed a fresh new outlook on life and threw myself a “Good Vibes for Good People” (which had nothing to do with sex toys people—dirty dirty minds.)  I wanted to welcome in positive energy and good thoughts through alternative means, so this good Catholic girl gathered books on witchcraft, I-Ching, Voo-Doo (though that was very scary and I ended up promptly closing it and putting it on a shelf), Candle rituals, horoscopes, Tarot, reflexology) and the literal burning of our negative thoughts.  I told my brother my plans and he said “Don’t you people know how to just get a keg?”  If only I could be satisfied with such easy party plans.  I got that cool flash paper from the magic store so we could write a negative thoughts and watch them flash and burn (I thought I bought copious amounts of paper… but apparently with all the bad drivers, aches and pains and other nuisances we had quite a lot to burn.)  When I went in search for all of the materials I actually had to tell a sales clerk “yes.  I need it for a spell.”   During the enactment of one of the spells, Luke and I had to take some comingled wax and put it outside our door to which Luke said “I feel like we just littered.”   This particular spell was to invite our soul mate into our lives at the new moon—So Jordan suggested we all go out and get all of our tomcatting out of the way in the next 30 days before he shows up. 
Jen, in her amazing baking ways, made me an awesome cake.  She first suggested a Ouija Board cake but I told her that that was the devils work, so we got a nice Crystal Ball instead… how cool is this?
I found out the next day, via Dawne to Cathy, that while I am always a “Happy Drunk” apparently my voice completely changes as it raises an entire octave and my New York accents becomes so pronounced that Dawne thought she might be talking to Stacey.  How did I not know this about myself?

 Let’s see in other news, I got into the pool for the first time since November… and it was phenomenal.  We had an in-depth conversation pool side, which makes me wonder if all great thoughts aren’t found in the shower as much as while surrounded by water.
Before D&J went to Mexico, Dawne and I had handmade 150 invitations for my aunt and uncles 50thanniversary.  While they were in Mexico, I realized that we had put the wrong date on the invitations, and not one to live with that information alone, I immediately imparted the information to the vacationers—so now we have are back to re-making them… FUN!
And lastly—we all went to I-HOP, followed by a trip to the Tulip Festival which is always beautiful, and always looks the same, followed by a nap for me on the way back which was interrupted several times with phone calls one which was Jen and I have no idea what I said to her so I had to wait until an hour after I woke up to call and apologize.  Lord knows I am not a pleasant person when you wake me up, followed by an encore presentation of How to Train Your Dragon…talk about a really lovely day!  Here are some highlights:
I know this was long and picture happy—but don’t you feel like you were there now?   It’s almost better than having to really celebrate with me!

Wednesday, April 7, 2010

Blonde In Need Of Backup.

When asking for advice today, Roy told me to do whatever I want.  Can you imagine?  Just “do whatever you want.”  I tested the waters, tried it out, with very promising results.  This, my friends, might just be the very best and very worst advice I have ever received.  I’ll keep you posted. 


What do you think about a person who responds to my match profile (that begins with a total mocking of anyone who takes pictures of themselves in the mirror) who has as their main picture a shot of themselves in the mirror?  Do you think there is any chance at all that they see the irony?  Then again, maybe I should instead be focusing on the fact that they called me “sexy chops.” 


I know this may shock you, but I am a member of the sarcasm society… and today they shared some quotes from the Simpsons.  Ironically, Luke and I had a conversation last week on whether or not the Simpsons would replace Shakespeare in the future.  I know.  Good question, right? 


I have two plane stories.  One (and I am not judging here):  There were two people sitting next to me on my way out to NY.  One was a guy in his late 50s early 60s and one was a chick who was in her early 30s, and while I cannot say for certain, it seemed as though the 5 hour trip was just one long first date.  Last night, I saw them exit the same plane and they were no longer on their first date, and they didn’t seem to be acting as if their first getaway was as lovely as they would have hoped.  I can’t tell you how badly I wanted to ask them what the deal was.  If only I were more outgoing.  Two:  This mother/daughter duo was sitting behind me, and behind them was a baby crying.  I kept hearing the mother say “I wonder if they have a binky.  I should ask.  Do you have a binky?  Oh they can’t hear me and I can’t turn around.  I should really ask if they have a binky.  Do you have a binky?” 

I was just interrupted for an hour and ½ when Luke came into my room and told me his “epic” life story from Cactus Arts, to his Quadruple line Les Paul, to Allium (all while being ADHD side tracked with yellow rubber bands and wobbly knobs and concerns about his “sausage fest” band) all while repeatedly checking himself out in the window to see how his air drumming looked, until we came full circle and he was not only exhausted but his voice hurt.  I only wish that I had been taking notes b/c I was seriously cracking up and now there’s simply too much to contain in one of these emails.

And all I could think was what reaction was this woman expecting?  Did she have a binky to offer if they didn’t have a binky?  Or was she simply pointing out the obvious that they should use the tools available to them to pacify their child.  This too will also go unanswered, not b/c I am not outgoing but b/c I still have no idea how I could have ascertained the answer without being entirely too condescending for anyone’s good.

Erika Jane trashed my hopes and dreams the other day when she told me that there was a guy on Martha Stewart who owns a bakery and Brooklyn called half baked and he not only taught the world how to make Brookies, he called them BROOKIES.  There goes my back up plan folks. 
(b/c  there weren’t any good Martha jokes…)


Speaking of Martha and stealing, I stole one of her ideas for decorating eggs and really tricked out my masterpieces this year.  Even Sean realized that I had raised the bar to new heights.  He also denied making 12 dozen eggs every year when we were younger and delivering a personalized egg to everyone in the neighborhood.  Why would anyone be ashamed of that?  We were coolness personified until the last year when we did it b/c it was still fun to decorate eggs but I was no longer cute when delivering them.  Ironically, this year was the first year that Carla and I wore flats for Easter and it was also the first year that we did not have to hide the eggs (heels slipping into the soft ground) for the egg hunt.   Oh! And Patrick snuck into the house Easter morning and hid eggs for me (b/c he’s awesome and knows that even if it is my birthday today I will never be too old to hide eggs. And yes, I shamelessly slipped this reminder in) and yes, the Easter bunny hid my basket for me.  And all is right with the world. 


After Mo’s surgery last week, Kevin went downstairs and had a chat with his father.  He told Pat that if he was going to sleep in the same bed with mommy (and he didn’t recommend it) that he had to sleep all the way on the other side of the bed.  Ya know, b/c when you’re sleeping, you might move around and he wanted to make certain that Mo didn’t get hurt.  Doesn’t he sound sweet?  Well the very next day he went to the Dentist and when then Dentist told him to behave or he would send his mother out of the room Kevin replied “I don’t care, she can leave.” 


Banana told me that she started a Bucket List in honor of her 1/3 life crisis.  On her list, along with running a marathon and building a garden was dying her hair blonde.  I told Debina about this and we discussed how clearly she couldn’t just dye her hair blonde.  I mean some people are blondes and some people are brunettes—she just doesn’t have the coloring, why would she do this to her beautiful hair—yadda yadda until we both paused and Debina said “Who are we kidding, she’ll look fabulous.  She always looks fabulous.”  So true.  So true.  This led to a discussion about how Mrs. Hall will out right tell a girl that her hair is getting dark and she needs to dye it back to blonde which Maureen protested saying that she personally has Kevin colored hair in the winter and Kyle or Patrick colored hair in the summer and she would personally send a picture down to Mrs. Hall to show her how great it looked in both seasons.  We then imagine Mrs. Hall getting these updated pictures, not of my nephews, but of Maureen on a quarterly basis, in an envelope with no explanation and the hilarity ensued. 

Have a great day guys!