Monday, May 30, 2011

Mad Men Machete

My last week at Pokemon was pretty mellow.  Becky was out of the office, I finally got the VP to clean out boxes that had been sitting next to my desk since he had moved from the NY offices two years ago (going through papers actually made him work up a sweat), and received 5 out of 6 friend requests from my favorite Barista’s. (I have almost caught ‘em all!)  Friday, I woke up at 5:30, put on the T-shirt I had been planning on wearing for weeks, made mac-n-cheese for the Judy’s 75th and then decided it wasn’t appropriate, and changed.  I did however, wrap one up and give it to the Brand Approvals Manager :) and… Becky wore it off site:

Due to the fact that Becky was out gallivanting, she left some care instructions for me to cube mates (you know when I need to be coffee’d and that sort of thing.)

Chris: you're like David Koresh.  He even kind of looks like you.

 I don't see it.  

Me: It’s over-rated to work where all of your friends are.
Chris: That’s why I work here.

Chris: Especially for someone with one foot in the grave.  
Me: I don’t like where you are going with this conversation.
Chris: You are going to die.
Me: I understand where you’re going, I just don’t like it. 

Me: Have you ever listened to the lyrics of Hallelujah? They don’t make any sense.
Chris: You don’t have a soul. 
Me: I do too! They aren’t good.
Chris: This isn’t the first time I’ve thought about this.  You don’t have a soul.
Doug: That song brought me out of the depths of depression in a darkened room.


I've heard there was a secret chord
That David played, and it pleased the Lord
But you don't really care for music, do you?
It goes like this
The fourth, the fifth
The minor fall, the major lift
The baffled king composing Hallelujah

My Response: Fine.  I was wrong.

What Zach says instead of helping: You know you now you won't be able to use either of the TV’s.
Jordan: This is your fault.

Jordan and Zach finally got both screens on either side of the fireplace to play the same thing.  Very exciting.  When I told Cathy what we did on Saturday however, I said, “Jordan got a new VHS player. Wait. Nope. It’s not 1987.  He got a super fancy machine that plays DVDs and Netflix and Pandora.  Slightly different than a VHS.” The first thing Lucas did after installation was to play rock band.  Only, now we got to hear it on BOTH sides.

Lucas: Hmm. That’s unfortunate for you.  I’m going back to the roots to remember the good times.  Call me a fundamentalist but rock band one is the best and everyone should know.

We had a Mad Men themed 40th Birthday Party on Saturday Night for Shane.  Super fun, Cathy gave an amazing power point presentation.  At one point there were slides that featured “Lesbian’s love Shane” and “Kid’s love Shane” signs with kids and lesbians surrounding Shane.  At this point, Lucas turned to Shane and said, “Why are you always holding the sign?”

Before the party, I went to Common Folk, an extremely girlie Martha Stewart like store to get a card for Shane (b/c they have funny cards.) The ladies there asked me if I was looking for a present.  I told them that I was, but that it was for 40 year old man, so maybe this wasn’t the store for him.  I went to purchase my cards and the lady came out from the back holding an old machete and asked “Do you think he would want this?” and I replied, “Why yes. Yes, I think would.”    And then they proceeded to wrap it with cellophane and pretty ribbons.  I wanted to give it to Shane with a huge audience but I got distracted.  So at the end of the night I asked him to open it… and upon taking it out of its sheath, he raised it above his head and announced “The umbilical cord shall be cut with this!” Cathy said they should put it over their bed… and I replied “Bed!? This should go over the CRIB!”  He’s excited about getting a sword for his birthday, but I still think it’s a machete.

New couple (I do occasionally talk to people outside of the circle): Do you have the baby-sitters number?
Chick: Um… no.  But she knows that we’re bound to come back eventually, Right?
Same chick: How do you know Shane?
Me: Um, well Dawne and Jordan are my cousins.
Chick: OH! You’re Royalty! You must be stopped on the streets of Seattle all the time. 
Me: Actually, It’s been years since someone has given me the respect I deserve. 

Lucas came up to me during the party with a plate and a half peeled orange and said, “Worst idea EVER serving navel oranges! How am I supposed to eat this?
Me: Honey, those oranges are for the drinks. They aren’t serving them.

Brett (Shana’s new bo): I think we've met before
Nate: Don't worry about it.  Shana and I don't get along.
Brett: Really?

Dawne: You’re short.  Did you know how short you are?
Me: Yes. 
Dawne: You were standing next to Shana, and seriously.  You’re little.

Personally, I think we all look short next to Shana.

We went to the Tin Table after the party for some dinner.  Shana was telling us that she had gone out the night before and they were all sitting around comparing phones.  She was talking about how awesome her iPhone is and Tyler was pontificating on benefits of the HTC surround Windows phone when Brett pulled out his phone and said mine is just a normal ordinary phone… nothing special… and then dropped it into a glass of water.  To prove its water resistant abilities, Brett, dropped his phone again, into my water and then said, “Oh man.  The only thing she said she wanted was a glass of water and I just ruined it.”

Jen (Upon people telling her Hays’ glasses were just as good as her costume glasses with the outfit): Maybe if I was Ethan in 1993.
Me: Oh that’s going in the Monday Email.
Jen: You just can’t throw out an insult about someone who isn’t here anymore.  Be sure to insert the pic. 

There was a lady at the party with a tattoo on her arm as well as a tattoo on her breast that was ½ covered with clothing.  Brett mentioned that he thought her tattoo was cool (meaning the one on her arm) and she made a comment like he was looking to see the rest of her tattoo.  Brett, retelling the story, said, “Did you see the woman I walked in with? Pulease.”

Jen: Not many people would understand that reference.
Me: What reference?
Jen: Benny Hill.
Me: Oh! The old guy.  And by old I mean dead.

Jen (as she spilled her drink): My Tom Collins!
Rach: It’s okay.  She’s just drunk.
Jen: Cheer’s to me! (and clinked her own water glass.)

Hays: You know we have booze in the basement.
Me: but then she wouldn’t be socially drinking with us.
Hays: If she's on facebook isn't that drinking with friends?

Jen (on waiter bringing us several bills at different intervals): I think he's trying to flim-flam us.

Hays pulled out his wallet to play for dinner and Rachel commented, “Is that a 12 year olds wallet?  It has Velcro? Do you put that in your fanny pack?”  and then proceeded to tell us a story about getting caught in the rain with Hulk Hogan’s family and he was wearing a blue camouflage head-kerchief and a big fanny pack. 

Shana: So who's sitting on the child tonight?

Me: Imma get the Floozy Burger.
Jen to Shana: Are you a floozy…? I don't mean are you a floozy because you know…
Shana: Given!

Shana (About Jen’s fake cigarette): Careful. She'll literally blow smoke up your ass

As we were walking to our cars after the party/dinner there were a bunch of hoodlums standing outside on the street and one of them commented, “You look rather dapper this evening.”  After thanking the young gentleman, Shana said, “Dapper huh? That Gutter punk has quite the vocabulary.”  Jen, “Indeed.  Throwing in an SAT word.”  Hays, “I hope he didn’t just let his secret out to all of his friends.”

Watched some “Drunk Kitchen” episodes which I would like to share with all of you:

“Deluxe because we deserve it.”

If you want to see more pictures of the party you can find them here:

Lucas: I just poured a nice glass of lemonade into a dirty glass.  The world is against me today.  I poured it into a clean glass so we’re okay.

I would like to issue a formal correction of last weeks issue.  The hilarious quote from last week was actually said by Rachel E. Nelson (reposted for your enjoyment):
On Cathy becoming a citizen:
Shana: You can't vote
Rachel: You're a woman; you can't ever vote.

Congrats to Cathy for becoming an American Citizen, officially making her my whitest African-American friend.  Here is a picture of the American Flag (made in china) that I bought you last week and keep forgetting to give you (Casper might have gotten a hold of it as you can see…)

I start a new job tomorrow! (There’s nothing funny about that I just wanted to tell you.)

Friday, May 27, 2011

It took longer, so its actually longer.

Sit back folks, this one is going to be a long one.  Don't worry I'll probably have nothing to say on Monday (cha! as if!)
On Tuesday nights my parents like to go to for 2-for-1 hamburgers at this bar in Mahopac.  The waitress there is a chick I went to HS with.  Now, I don't think we ever had a class together, but I did remember we did SOAC together--Basketball and Softball.  I knew for sure her name was Jessica b/c she was one of the "People you may know" on Facebook,
and she got married since HS and has not listed her maiden name.  My father insisted that I played soccer with a Jessica, who lived in Mahopac, and had a Polish last name.  I named the only Polish chick I could think of, Briana Sudzinski, who is one of my BFF's and to my knowledge never played soccer with me, which frustrated Frita to no end saying "I know who Briana is!"  I called this favorite Pollock to find out Jessica the Waitress' last name to make sure it wasn't Polish, before asking the waitress if she knew another Jessica we might have gone to school with.. (b/c you know you always remember people who had the same name as you.) She didn't.  So I had to pull up my HS yearbooks when I got home.  (For those of you who went to Lakeland, I'll let you puzzle this one out for a bit to see if you come up with the answer. You are better person than I if you can remember--and no, it's not Jess Fazio, another name I pulled out of the hat that I received THAT'S NOT POLISH! for my dad... hehe...)
and by "classic rock", I mean Garth Brooks.
The yearbook... I didn't get a chance to really dig in.  I will say I read the top line of Debina's... and it made me chuckle.  Apparently in 97 what my soccer team remembered of me was shockingly not my skillz on the field but my penchant for creating odd cheers that made the team giggle while the coach wanted to ring my neck (which is unfortunate as I was always so close to him sitting on the bench as I so often was) when I read the word "IRRIGATION!" on every page of my book.

I had two friends who were probably BFF given that every year they wrote 2 completely colorful and filled pages of all of our good times together--signing their names with (Bitch 1 and Bitch 2) which was funny at the time I gave them the nick names .. I laughed out loud when I saw it.  But the piece de resistance was Janette Fong and her delightful recap of our adventures filled with ad libs, stick figures, the progression of the L.C. to the Champagne Wonder (what I so lovingly called my first car), and the painful yet wildly funny reminder that the one day we decided we were going to throw a big party, anisa abid had decided to throw a party inviting everyone but us--thus accurately wrapping up my high school experience in such a neat lil bow.  :)  and sadly...

I know! and I haven't even told you about my week yet! 
Friday night started a nearly 24 hour QT with my nieces.  I may have mentioned my tactics with small children... but I'll recap:  First, I indulge every safe request, do everything, get everything, give everything they want.  Second, I try to pack as much fun as I can into whatever time I have. Lastly, I try not to yell unless they might actually physically harm themselves.  My 24 hours started with "Aunt Carla does this when she's with us.... " to which I said "Do we have to do whatever Aunt Carla does?"  We jumped on the trampoline, washed the car (throwing them on the top of the van, getting wet and sudsy in the hot sun), ordered Domino's, made special treats, watched the original Parent Trap with Haley Mills and Anastasia while adorning ourselves with fake nails and other manicure goodness, was woken up at 5:30 am, watched Beverly Hills Chuwawua ( I have no clue how to spell that..)  until Jackie got up, then we went to the Diner got Waffles and Ice Cream with Milkshakes washed down with a side of Bacon, went to the park and climbed this super cool spider web thing, checked out the pet store, went grocery shopping (on Bailey's request b/c I must say going shopping with me (a very non adult) is super fun--getting to pick out whatever they wanted--Bail's wanted limes and tomato sauce btw), watched Parent Trap 2, and some more trampoline time... and what did I hear at the close of my 24 hours?  "Can we call Aunt Carla to come over?" 
So Aunt Carla, I tip my hat to you.  You win this round of kids my friend, you win. 
Just when you were hoping that I was done! Alas! There is so much more!  Take a break, grab a soda-pop, I'll be here when you return. 
My friends from college, Julie and Nick, came to visit on Sunday.  We decided to go down to the city.  I arrived ten minutes late to meet them at Sean's b/c I got distracted by chatting with Mo over coffee (typical), so I was carrying my sneaks in with me and my brother told me that to wear sneakers would make me look like a tourist.  Not my bright colors or carrying a map mind you... (Though that Not for tourists Guide is AWESOME Jan-et-te!).  Let's just say when we returned my brother and parents had a good ol time mocking the "Tiffany Tour" that included seeing sites, but not participating, and visiting neighborhoods that no one else in their right minds would take people.  Plus I ended up with blisters, but at least I didn't look like a tourist!  Luckily, I think J&N still love me--and really you can listen to my jibber jabber just as well walking around the financial district as you can hiking or chilling in my living room.  Right?  At least now they have a reason to say...
See you in June!
I debated whether or not to share this last one... but then hey, I have no shame, and you are my nearest and dearest.  My mother politely and rather slyly explained to me why I don't have a boyfriend.  She developed the case over an hour period by asking seemingly innocuous questions to which I answered honestly until all of a sudden I was admitting attributes that aren't necessarily flattering, until my mother concluded "Maybe, just maybe you might try being nice to people when you meet them instead of being sarcastic, or mocking, or generally digging into them before you know their name."  to which I replied "But I'm only nice to people I don't like!" and she said "right, perhaps not the best strategy in life."  Good Lord do I hate the percentage of how often that woman is right. I almost want to ask for a second opinion, but I'm afraid to make confirmation.   But seriously?  Nice? Me? How incredibly boring!?  Even if I wanted to be, even if I was on my best behavior, my "sweet" and "polite" phrases often come off dripping with sarcasm.  Son of a B.  In summary:
Kids, Thanks for Listening In.  Check ya on the flip side!

Monday, May 23, 2011

No, Jamie. It’s not time yet.

I’ll start with some work anecdotes, because generally that’s how my week begins.

Chris: Where’s my present?
Me: Oh man! I forgot.  I like that you remembered that you are owed a present.
Chris: Becky’s birthday was yesterday, obviously my birthday is next
Me: When is your birthday?
Chris: October.

Me: Hey Sunshine!
Chris: It’s nice out there. It’s Chris out there.

Chris: Andy is playing at PAX.
Me: When is that?
Chris: Aug 27th.
Me: Oh. I’m not going to that. 
Chris: Why?
Me: I’m going to Disney.
Chris: How do you know it’s at the same time?
Me: Because I have an excellent grasp of how time works.
(5 minutes later)
Me: I just realized its Thursday which means Becky doesn’t get here until like 4.
Colin: 4?
Me: or Ten.
Colin: Did you just say 4 or 10?
Chris: and she just finished saying she has an excellent grasp of how time works.

When I first walked into work, before I sat down:
Chris: Do you have time to watch something awesome?
Me: I always have time for awesome.
Chris: You might have watched it real time.

Me: Some people make bad decisions
Chris: Like Colin’s mom.
Me: That was harsh.
Chris: yeah. A little below the belt.
Colin: Oh I get it.

Becky and I walked down for coffee and it was the busiest I have ever seen Caffe Ladro.  Seriously, the people were 5 deep waiting for their coffee and the line was snaked around into the hall.  Naturally, this was when I chose to spill my Big Daddy Iced Coffee EVERYWHERE. 

We totally went out to happy hour with our new caffe ladro friends.  That’s right.  Happy Hour.  :)

Becky: You know how we should pick (the caffe ladro) people up tonight?  We should get a cardboard box and cut holes and decorate it like car then we should walk in wearing it.  We can pretend to honk the horn and yell get in!  We’re going to happy hour!
Me: Where will we get a box big enough?
Becky: I don’t know, but we’ll have to cut a hole in the top for Shanniquah—ya know, ‘cause she’s so tall.
Me: Better not tell them, just in case we find the box in the next two hours.

Me: I think I’m drinking tea.
Becky: Maybe you just used too much ½ and ½
(still drinking it.)
Me: too much ½ and ½ doesn’t make coffee taste like tea.
(still drinking it.)
Becky (to Caffe Ladro Linnea): Tiffany has been complaining about her coffee she said either you gave her tea or your coffee tastes awful.
(still drinking it.)
Linnea: Oh no.  I definitely gave her tea.
(still drinking it.)
Linnea: Stop drinking that.  I’ll give you coffee.

Me (via text): Congrats if you had a baby today... if not... maybe tomorrow... and if you are still working on it and decided it was a good time to check your phone--GOOD PUSHING!
Erika: Ha! I was gonna call – Xavier Francis Hoxworth 8lbs 7 ox 21 inches.
Me: way to put two x’s in his name if names were allowed in scrabble he would clean up!
Erika: Shit! They aren’t!??
Me: you’re still on birthing drugs, of course you wouldn't remember the subtleties of Scrabble rules but Kenny is useless.
Erika: Ha! How true.  Though his sperm makes cute babies.  That's something!

I was telling my mom on Friday about the whole Rapture thing:
Me: You know, supposedly a bunch of people are going to go to Heaven tomorrow.
Momela: Uh.  That happens every day, Tiffany. 

In honor last weekend’s supposed “Rapture” we invited people to go out to dinner at “The Saint” followed by drinks at “The Chapel.”  Every time I got up to go anywhere…

Jamie: Is it time?
Me: You're a jerk.

On Cathy becoming a citizen:
Shana: You can't vote
(I honestly can’t remember who responded): You're a woman you can't ever vote.

Me: I had to stop being in Chorus because I kept fainting.
Shane: Are you sure that it’s because you faint?  Have you ever considered you can't sing?
Me(this response took 5 minutes because I couldn’t stop laughing) I can sing! I was in select chorus!
Shane: Oh! “SELECT” chorus.  That settles it then.

On Shane’s first Prostate Exam:

Shane: I had to get into the same position I did in grade school for corporal punishment.  Honestly, I like a little snuggle after a prostate exam.
Rach:  How exactly did you want the doctor to get to the prostate?
Shane:  I'm not even sure it was a finger!  I was looking down and crying.   Is 30 min the right amount of time for a prostate exam?

Jen: Is Brunch still on or did you get Raptured?
Me: It’s on – although I think my keys might have been raptured.

Saturday, we all went out for a post “Last Party”/Cathy’s Belated Birthday/Hangover Brunch.   Naturally, Cathy was displeased that I continued to try to celebrate her birthday—but not nearly as flustered/embarrassed as when Dawne suggested we all sing Happy Birthday. 

5 year old Lily: Look mommy. Shane tried to draw a pony
Shane: She totally just looked at me like “Don't quit your day job.”  (PS: that is his day job.)  

During brunch my mom called:
Momela: I just wanted you to know I’m still here. We are on our way back from NJ
Cathy whispered: New Jersey… AKA heaven?

Saturday night we were going to dinner and then off to see Bridesmaids.  We had ten minutes to wait before we had to leave so…

Me: Jordan, you need to get ordained.  Shana wants you to marry her. 
Zach: Shana’s getting married?
Me: She’s getting ready.
Jordan: This is going to cost me $7.
Dawne: Shana is worth at least double that.
Jordan: Oh good. Becuase with shipping and handling its $14.
Dawne: She’s TOTALLY worth $14.

After dinner I saw a couple of text messages from Jamie:
Jamie: Is it time yet?
Jamie: How about now?
Jamie: I just sent Tiff a text and haven’t heard anything back… does this mean she’s gone? Raptured that is.
Me:  I’m at Bridesmaids.  Now He’ll never take me.  Thanks for checking on me.  However Dawne’s chest is getting bigger and Jordan is starting to repent.

Monday, May 16, 2011

You're Off The Ship

I lost my voice this weekend; I must have partied too hard and didn’t get enough sleep.  You know how off the hook First Holy Communions can be.  Yesterday, I was lying on the bed next to my mom while she got ready:

Me: Momela, I feel like I’m going to be sick.
Momela: Well then throw up and get it over with.
Me: You are such a great mom.
Momela: Did you really expect sympathy from someone who gets sick all the time?
(Later in the car on the way to the airport in traffic)
Momela: We’ll probably make it there on time.
Me: I’m more worried that I might get sick in the car.
Momela: There is a plastic bag in my purse.
Me: You’re the best.  Can I keep this?

Me: I must be getting old.  Now that I'm 30 these whirlwind weekends are making me sick. 
Mo: Honnnnnney. You've always gotten sick when you come to visit.  It's like when I woke up in the mornings in my 20's my knees would crack and I'd say to myself, I'm in my 20's and my knees are already cracking.  Make a note of it.  

I better back up a bit.  Last week I woke up, from a great weekend with Janette, feeling like my mysterious “no sleep equals a sore throat and an ear infection” quirk was coming on.  When I came home from work at 5:30, Zach was coming up the stairs:

Me: Did you just go swimming?
Zach: I’m trying to stay active.
Me: That’s great. I’m going to sleep for the night.

I still ended up needing to get antibiotics the following day, and I slept for another 14 hours.  Unfortunately, I didn’t get sleep on the red-eye to NY and then it was Mo’s 40th so we got mani/pedi’s and I went into Ben Franklin to talk to my godson Kevin’s class about working at Pokémon (when asked what my favorite part was, I told them “You know how you guys have boards with stickers to show your accomplishments on the wall?  We do that too at Pokémon but with how far we’ve gotten in the video game.  See, things really don’t ever change.”)  And over the course of the day my voice slowly but surely disappeared.  I think it’s fair to say this one might be a long one b/c it’s really the most I have been able to communicate all weekend. 

As Kyle was opening a birthday present of two motorcycles:
Kyle: Great! One for Kevin and one for Patrick!
Pat: No, they are both for you—but you can share them if you want to.
Me: Momela.  Thanks for waiting ten years to have me so I never felt like I needed to share my stuff.

It was my dad’s birthday last Wednesday and many old students, friends and family wrote on his facebook wall.

Me: I noticed you had an even split of Uncle John’s and Uncle Jackie’s on your wall.
Frita: Yea, your mother did that to me.  Made everyone she knew start calling me John and it’s been that way ever since.
Luke: That’s what we call a Paradigm Shift.
Jordan: You know what that is?  About 20 cents.

Friday morning over coffee:
Frita (to Momela): And you broke my good mug!
Maureen: What 50 years ago?
Frita: No this morning! My Seton mug! (His free church mug.)

Me: This fortune cookie just told me to exercise so I threw the fortune out.

Maureen: I told Kevin that his father knew where his DS was and he would have to call him (but then I didn’t give him the number.)  Kevin then proceeded to search the house for the class lists, find his name, and call the number next to Kevin Hickey.  Unfortunately, it’s the home phone number—but I decided to give him Pat’s number for his trouble.  I can’t believe he doesn’t know his own number though.  Patrick knew his on the first day of Kindergarten and even made little cards with his name and number to hand out on the bus “Call me.  We’ll have a play date.  Set it up with my mom.”

Maureen was going to start spraying raid on the floor because she saw an ant in the house.  Before she did, she announced to the kids that they were going to have to stop eating things off the floor so they wouldn’t get poisoned—she hadn’t even finished the warning when Kevin started spitting out whatever was in mouth saying “Boy that was a close one!”

My now, 6 year old nephew Kyle has been asking to hang out with his Aunt and Uncle.  He has even called them up “Hi Uncle Mike!  Can I sleep over sometime? This is Kyle. Call me!” But he hasn’t gotten a call back.  This has not stopped Kyle from talking about wanting to hang out with his God Parents.

My dad: That kid (Kyle) has an exceptionally high resistance to satisfaction.  You can take him to Chucky Cheese and he’ll ask to go to the park.  You take him to the park and then he asks to see his Uncle Mike.

Mo: See this fire engine?  It was the only toy at Uncle Toms.  When Sean and I were little my parents would be like go play and we’d move this around for around 5 minutes and then be like… okay how much longer?

Okay, so we celebrated Maureen and Kyle’s birthday on Friday and Morgan’s First Holy Communion on Saturday.  My mom made a really amazing dinner Friday night and basically I had so much fun that I almost don’t mind the laryngitis (okay that’s a lie.)  My little O’Brien cousins are up in NY for three weeks interning at the NYSE and they just added to the fun of the weekend.  Here are some highlights:

Sean had picked up dumplings (Chicken, Pork  & Veg) as an appetizer—only the paper’s indicating which was which was in Chinese.  After some investigative work, I figured out which was which.  I now fully intend to put “Speaks Chinese” on my resume.  (I hear Carla intends to add “Musical Chairs” to hers as well.)

The visiting cousins, Anthony and Brendan were incredibly good sports about playing with all of the kids.  They paid for their kindness with a bunch of little girls abusing them.  I tried to yell “tweet” during a soccer game after I witnessed one little girl hitting Brendan—but no one could hear me.  One little girl was tugging on a sleeve exclaiming “You’re not 21!  You can’t drink!” which is totally what every 20 year old wants to hear.  After a game of capture the flag in which Brendan had hid the “flag” on a small boys shirt while he was swinging (making it increasingly difficult to capture the flag) I heard many kids come up to Anthony exclaiming “You’re brother is a cheater.” 

Before the party started, Morgan pleaded with us to go in the bouncy house with her.  After agreeing, our first jump Brendan’s foot ripped a 6 inch hold into the side of the bouncy house.  I have never seen two boys feel worse than when this bouncy house started to collapse on us.  They immediately went to work to fix the problem, and with the help of duct tape and clamps, the bouncy house was up and running.  Brendan:  I’ve broken my fair share of things in my day, I CAN fix this. 

Maureen told me earlier in the evening that if Pat didn’t see us, he wouldn’t suggest that we go home.  So, naturally, when I saw Pat looking for his wife, I whispered to Carla “For the next 15 minutes Mo and are going to take turns hiding from Pat.  As long as he can find me he can't take us home.” Then Carla said, “You know, I could just take you home instead of letting him sit in the driveway with the kids calling the house to tell you guys to come out to the car.”   

Dom: You guys are really in sync with each other. How close in age are you?
Brendan: We're 14 months apart.
Anthony: We also lived together for what, Brendan, 12 years?
Brendan: 12?!12 years? What do you mean only 12 years? What is wrong with you?
Anthony: I mean we shared a room for 12 years. 

Jeff filling a cup with cheese doodles: My wife is going to ask me if I fed my child--now I can check that off the list. 

Beth continuously told me that I was “Crazy,” “Insane” and “Off my rocker” but in a good way! And for that? Imma quote her saying: I need to use the bathroom can anyone help me?

When Patrick (my 8 year old nephew) asked Stacey if he could have a second piece of cake, Stacey gave him a sliver of cake and said that he was NOT to tell ANYONE that he was having a second piece.  3 minutes later a gaggle of children ran into the house asking for a second piece of cake.  When Patrick, later, entered the house:

Stacey: Did you tell people you had a second piece?
Patrick (beside himself giggling): No.
Stacey: Really? So it was a coincidence that kids ran in here after I gave you a second piece? You are no longer my favorite nephew.
(Patrick still giggling): I didn’t say I had a second piece.
Stacey: I run a tight ship Patrick and you're off the ship!

Maureen (the next day): Yea.  Some parenting just doesn’t work on my kids.  Patrick didn’t say he had a second piece.  He ran out and yelled “I got a third piece!” and when all the kids yelled “No Fair!!” he said, “I’m just kidding!” And he was kidding.  It wasn’t his 3rd it was his 2nd and Aunt Stacey did warn him not to tell anyone he was having a second piece. 

Maureen: Patrick, are you sure you didn’t hear someone curse?
Patrick: Mom, these ears didn't hear any curse words.

Carla: Come on Bailey!  Let’s Dance! Get Loose!
Bailey (13): I don't get loose, I'm tight.  I am very tightly wound.
Carla: At least she knows. 

While Sean was fixing a drink, Stacey went over to talk to Sean and slipped her hand into Sean’s back pocket.  John, seeing this, removed Stacey’s hand, and replaced it with his own.  As John’s was grabbing my brother’s behind, Stacey put both hands up in front of Sean’s face, to which Sean replied, “Hey, I’ll take it where I can get it.”  An hour or two later, I walked into the house only to see Craig grabbing my brother’s behind, to which I exclaimed, “Boy, I there has been an awful lot of ass grabbing for Sean today.”  Sean immediately responded, “P90X.  This ass is rock hard.”

Later, Sean was telling a story that I guess he didn’t want his little sister hearing b/c when I made a comment (in my whispered voice) he said, “Oh man! Have you been here the whole time? Now I’m embarrassed.  She’s never this quiet!”

Mr. Larson: This must be killing you, huh?
Me: Yea.  The no laughing is the worst.
Carla: This must be so hard for you.
Me: It really is.  I love to talk.

Maureen: Right.  So I’m going to want to make a baby on August 12th 2012.   
Me: Oh really? On August 12, 2012?
Maureen: Yup.  Maybe August 11th so I can give birth on May, 12, 2013.  5-12-13—it’s a perfect triangle!

Morgan: Who sings this song?
Anthony: It’s from the 70’s it sounds like.  We can go find out.
Me: I wouldn’t stress out about it.  She only wants to know so she can punch someone like her mother and Aunts
5 minutes later you could see Stacey, running in heels, across the Patio to land a punch on Carla with a definitive “Who is Tom Petty!”

Me: Morgan.  I’m going to need to open your present from me soon so I can play with it. 

As I was walking out of the house:
Maureen: Tell your breast story.
Me: Which breast story?
Maureen: You know the one. 
She immediately walked away. I thought it was odd that a) she would ask me to tell a story when I had no voice and b) that she would ask me to tell such a sub-par story that I’m not even including it in this email.  Turns out, she just wanted out of the conversation and threw me under the bus. 

I asked 30 people to give 30 cards to Becky today for her birthday.  The instructions were simple.  I handed them the card and said sign and give it to her on Monday.  Apparently I should have been more clear b/c there were some mess ups.  One of the funnier cards was signed

Things to also celebrate besides beer and your birthday:
1)       It’s Monday.
2)       Tiffany has Laryngitis.
3)       My boss isn’t here today.

Literally, people in my area have never been so chatty and my inability to chime in witty comments is KILLING ME!!

Eva shared this website with me and I literally cannot stop emphasizing my complaints now for maximum irony.  Enjoy!