Monday, July 23, 2012

Bald and Balto

It’s been three days since my last update, I think it’s fair to say this is going to be [as] brief [as I ever get.]

Other than a bunch of work stuff, I also watched a bunch of TV. Thrilling! I’m also convinced that work changed the brew of coffee in the Starbucks machine, because it has been especially amazing lately.  So good, in fact, that I’ll probably refill three times before I’m done writing.   I also started brushing up on my Spanish. While I might have 8 years of Spanish under my belt, that belt hasn’t been used in ten years, so I need a lot of help.   I promised Kathi I would be in top form for South America 2013(!!!) so I did a lot of studying this weekend. 

We had a team happy hour on Thursday night, in which Christy announced that she had never been good at team sports. Something about saying that AT a team meeting, was hilarious to me.  As soon as we sat down, I said we should see who breaks down first to look at their phone, which was chuckle worthy, until I realized that I was definitely the first person to check work email.  I had to!  And then, when I saw that I needed a file off the share, I looked around and thought, “Who would still be working right now that could help me do my job? Tyler!” and he was, and he did.  And I thank him thoroughly for helping, and not vindictively sending me the wrong file.  (To be fair, he didn’t know that I was asking for the favor from a bar.) Long story short, we had some drinks and apps for an hour or two before I officially triggered so that I could meet Dawne, Aunt Pat, Cassidy and Shannon to get our nails did. 

Zach has been playing the top game apps to figure out what people love and want to spend their money on so that he can create top selling games.  As he was discussing his ideas last week, Lucas reduced Zach’s ingenuity to one sentence when he said, “I can't wait to make a meme of ‘Idea man Zach’ as soon as I learn how to use that photo shop the kids are talking about.” 

After Zach brought home a new laptop:
Me: Since when have you been a PC?
Zach: Since it’s a third of the cost. I'm brand loyal but I'm also very cheap. And you know what's funny? It's not even my money. [Dad] would have bought me anything I wanted.
This, my friends, is where stereo types get reinforced. 

Saturday morning we all went to the dog park, and then I “attended” my niece Morgan’s birthday party via Face Time.  I got cupcakes and candles, sang, and then told her to blow really hard.  You’re not trying hard enough.  Really blow! I though this whole scenario was hilarious – though I’m not sure she found it as amusing to get cupcakes that you can never eat.  I also thought it was funny that people at the party heard my voice, and thought I was there – but Bailey, who I was talking to kept saying, “I can’t hear you – I can’t hear her!”  Technology. 

We had very good intentions of seeing a video game themed burlesque show Saturday evening, but it got sold out.  Super sad face.  When I called Becky to tell her, she was on the phone with someone else.  I figured, by the time she got off the phone, I could make it over to her house.  I stopped to fill up Stella’s tank – which is when I saw a small child almost get run over.  The little boy was probably 1 and ½.  Walking, but just barely.  He was accompanied by two young men between the ages of 17-19.  They were walking through the gas station/Jamba Juice parking lot.  Neither were hold this little boy’s hand.  He fell once, but not badly.  They two guys were oh so helpfully telling him to “Keep up buddy” and “Let’s go kid!” until eventually, they little boy was way behind.  He smiled at me, as I told him to look ahead and catch up and as I was about to run over and just walk this kid to his Adult friends, a car came speeding around the corner.  Luckily, instead of needing gas, they just parked in one of those gas station parking spaces that you are always like, “why do they even have those?”  If that wasn’t this SUV’s goal, there was no way I would have been able to save him – and his adult buddies were both 30 ft from him and looking the other way.  When I repeated this story to Dawne:

Me: This is why we hold hands.
Dawne: Did you hear that?  When you are with small children you ALWAYS hold hands. 
Zach & Luke: Of course.
Dawne: Especially in parking lots.
Luke: Well, everywhere except parking lots.  Don’t be ridiculous.
Dawne: No.  Even in parking lots.
Luke: Why would you hold hands in parking lots?  Mom, come on.
Dawne:  Are you kidding with me.  Tell me right now you’re going to hold hands.
Luke:  Yes, mom.  I’m just kidding. 

Anyway, post little kid incident, I drove over to Becky’s so that when she called me back, I was standing outside of her door and she could hear my phone ringing through the window.  Sorry, I got impatient.  From there, we headed to “Bite of Seattle”, only parking was crazy, so crazy we decided to Valet at the space needle, but even that was full.  We gave up, and headed to lunch at the Lunchbox Laboratory.  No sooner had we sat down when a gentleman asked if he could sit down and tell us a story.  This led to he and his friend joining us for 45 minutes.  Naturally.  Two guys, one bald, but used to have long golden blonde hair, and guy from Baltimore.  28 (or 30 depending on which one you asked) years ago, after being held in a jail in Mexico, the two guys, who had been in the US Coast Guard, drove from Mexico to North Carolina.  There, Balto dropped off Bald at the airport, paid for Bald’s plane ticket home, and then they promised each other on July 21’s at noon, they would meet at Pike Place Market.  Without seeing each other, or confirming plans, they met that day a la Love Affair or Sleepless in Seattle. 

Bald also tried picking me up, while Balto tried to explain that we did not want to be picked up.  Bald also asked if I was an athlete – to which I replied, “Well I did play soccer this morning with the dog.  We’re trying to teach him to play without biting the ball.”  Balto also tried to tell me that I couldn’t possibly have more than 4 friends, and that people don’t change after age 8.  Oh.  really. 

Of course there was a delightful story about Barbados.  Apparently, Bald met up with a guy who had been in the Marines with his father in Barbados.  The Father and Friend hadn’t seen each other in 20 years, but the friend recognized Bald because he looked just like his dad.  The Friend took Bald and Balto to the brothel that he owned in Barbados.  When they got there, in the lobby, there was a monkey named Skippy, who was pleasuring himself.  Balto didn’t think that was an appropriate thing to do in front of ladies, so he tried to distract the Skippy from his nuts, with a peanut.  Skippy didn’t appreciate the interruption and promptly bit Balto on the finger that was extending the gift of nourishment.  Balto wrapped his finger with his shirt (he was bleeding quite a bit due to the blood thinning qualities of Rum.)  Balto and Bald tried to see a doctor, but because Skippy was a monkey, they had to go back and get paper’s signed saying that the monkey didn’t have rabies . But they didn’t stich the wound because of the bacteria that monkey’s carry.  This caused Balto, who normally would do a lot of hand work with ropes and such on the ship, to have to hold up his pointer finger high for 8 weeks and direct instead of help.  If only he knew how well I can relate to that situation.  I’m surprised I didn’t show him my scar from cutting that banana (a food that maybe Skippy actually have enjoyed.)

Oh! And Bald kept starting every story with “True Story” and Becky explained that he wasn’t using that phrase correctly.  See I like to tell a story, wait until I see if you think it’s believable or not, and THEN say True Story.  Otherwise you just sound like you’re a liar.

After that jaunt, I dropped Becky at home and headed to South center for dinner and shopping.  Earlier that morning, I was sitting outside with Dawne and Lucas, and Lucas was talking about wanting to put a down payment on a bass amp.  I started giving him a hard time about giving up on DJ Supa Squids, even though, I know that he hasn’t at all given up on his turntable career.  I had a delightful time riling him, until finally Dawne called out what I was doing.  Then at dinner, Lucas did the exact same thing to me, only this time in reference to diets.  Until, of course, Dawne pointed out what he was doing.  Lucas 1, Tiffany 1.  This game is not going to end well.  We celebrated our tied match by listening to some Salt-n-Pepa and watching She’s All That.  That Freddie Prinze Jr. Am I right, people?

Speaking of musical careers, Rick, from work said the other day, “Seeing my 3 year old beat box is the cutest thing ever - especially because it’s just him spitting on his arm.” Ad – or – a – ble

Sunday, we jumped into the pool for a bit.  Mila, Dawne’s friend is in town. She asked about the fish in the lake and soon we were talking about Salmon.  Lucas summed it up by saying, “It's a majestic journey that ends with their death.”  I had really good intentions of going to Kirkland Uncorked and other fun times with the fam, but realized that my ears were hurting enough that I needed to take a nap.  I finally got up and read some more from my Spanish for Gringo’s book, watched the end of When Harry Met Sally, and then I went to sleep again.  EXHILARATING. 

Friday, July 20, 2012

I will patronize you anytime.

I had never heard of Chick-Fil-A until college, and I’ve never once pronounced its name properly.  That’s really my one and only Chick- Fill- Aaah story. 

I was walking quickly back to my desk the other day, hit my hand against a table, and now it is completely bruised.  In case anyone was wondering what kind of work week I have been having.  (Actually, that was probably the worst part of my week, but still.  OUCH.)

Naturally, when you first watch Gilmore Girls, you’re going to start rooting for the Girls to end up with certain guys. Granted I know who ends up with who – but I’ve made it half way through the summer without blurting out the truth.  Either way, Colin is a big fan of Rory ending up with Dean (first season, typical.)
Colin: Look at that guy, He has a swagger!
Lucas: I thought it was swagga.
Colin: Swagger is for boys.  Class is for men.
Wait, what?

On Tuesday, I went to see Steel Panther with Laina, Shana, Kyle (Dr. Rach’s roommate) and Glenn (who works with Shana). Actually, I went for drinks and apps with Michael, Shana and Glenn first where we were chummy with the bartender, played “What’s in this drink” and taste tested gins.  Then we met Laina and Kyle across the street from Showbox SoDo.  Now, I knew zero about this band before I arrived at the concert due to my “I’m free and someone I like wants to hang out with me – OF COURSE I’ll go! (and find out what it is later)” Policy. (I should shorten that policy name, to “I’m In!”)   Shana and Laina just kept telling me it would be awesome, Kyle went into a little more detail – but ultimately it was a surprise rollercoaster of rock and profanity.  I’d post a video, but it’s not something I want to share with the parentals.  I thought the funniest thing they said was at the very beginning when they announced that they were among the top 25 metal bands… from Burbank. 

On Thursday evening I came home late from work and got wrangled into watching Singham with Zach and his friends.  This is Zach’s favorite movie.  I thought it would be terrible, but it actually wasn’t the worst movie that I have ever seen. (I know.  I always know how to sugar coat things.) 

On Saturday, I woke up early, took the dogs to the park, called my parents, took Luke to Renton and thought I was meeting people early and then found out I had 4 hours on my hands.  My mom told me, when I called her, that Frita had a 1982 yearbook out to “study” for a reunion at Byram Hills (he was Vice Principal that year.)
Frita: What other people call reminiscing, I call recalling. 
Momela:  I call it memorizing. 
Me: I call it adorable. 

Then, because I had 4 hours of free time, I naturally got distracted and ended up being 45 minutes late meeting up with Laina, Shana and Dr. Rach at Nordstrom’s.  We were having a bit of a shopping spree with Sammy, a personal shopper type person who works at Nordstrom.  I’m not entirely sure how I got to a point in my life that I can describe my day like that, but there it is. 

I wasn’t really sure what to do with myself.  We had been walking around for 30 minutes, and all of my friend’s had armful’s of options to try on.
Me:  Do any of you want help carrying something? My hands are empty. 
Sammy: No, no.  You're here to lift our spirits with your presence.
That’s the only lifting that I want to do from this day forward.

Shana and I got the large fitting room, AKA “The Party Room.”  As soon as we were escorted into our dressing room, however, we heard Rach yell, “My name is Rachel and I also like to party.”  Noted, but I’m not comfortable trying on bras around you Rach.  Sorry.   We shopped for around 5 hours and as we were checking out…

Sammy: Thank you for your patronage
Rach: You’re welcome. I will patronize you anytime.

And then, I started using my Chase bank app to send checks to Laina and Rach. 

Laina: So this check you sent me it'll show up like a regular check.
Rach: And it'll bounce like a regular check!
Shana: We just had a Shane moment.
Rach: I laughed at my own joke?
Shana: No. I said it'll be bad just like a regular check right before you said it would bounce like a regular check, only louder. 
Classic Shane.  Actually, I’ll do it too if I can get away with it.  Who wouldn’t?

No one was talking, when Laina said, “My favorite purchase, thanks for asking, were my Bangles.”   My favorite of Laina’s purchases, thanks for asking, were her neon pink stiletto’s. 

As we were leaving dinner I told my friends, “I'm going to go home and wear my cape, clogs and my bras. No pants though. I didn't find any I liked.”  Like a cape wearing, gangsta.

I got a call, right in the middle of this shopping spree, from none other than Julie, my roommate from college. 
Julie: Nick (her husband) is stomping plums in the basement (of their new house.)
Me: Is he wearing plastic over his feet?  Can you make an alcoholic beverage out of Plums?
Julie: He has covered his feet so they are sanitary.  We have a plum tree in the back yard, and he talked to someone at work about making plum “wine”, so he gathered some plums and now he’s stomping them.
Me: How does he have time for this? Doesn’t he have a baby he needs to change?
Nick (from the background): Shut up. 

I can’t wait to get a bottle of home brewed Plum whatever for Christmas!! (Gee, I hope I was supportive enough to warrant such a gift.)

On Sunday, I actually woke up before the dogs.  They spend every morning waking people up, so I decided to show them how it feels by cheerfully waking THEM up.  (I don’t know why this pleased me so much, but it did.) Then I immediately get them fed and we headed out to the dog park, and I was back at the house by 9:30.  I got a text asking how brunch was, and as I was typing, “I don’t have brunch plans…” Shana asked me to join her and Jen for brunch.  Don’t mind if I do!

Jen was cutting a waffle for Lily, and it was a particularly rough job.  We were talking about how Lily was going to start trying to cut her own food – which I totally approved of (as I still have a hard time cutting my own food.) 

As Jen was cutting, her finger started hurting, which I totally empathized with because of that time I got a blister making pea soup.  Anyway… mid-cut:

Jen: You know what they did here? They beat their batter too long.
Shana: Hey o!
Jen: That's what I love you.
Looking at my disapproving face.
Jen/Shana (because they were both laughing at me): Heh, Tiffany.

Me: So Lily, what is going on with you?
Lily: Yesterday, I had this peach drink...
Jen: It's called schnapps.

I’m pretty sure the rest of Sunday was dedicated to finishing Game of Thrones and other TV necessities.  Oh and Nate and Uncle Ray argued about politics, as I tried to explain to our house guests that arguing makes them happy.  Not to mention the fact that they are only allowed to talk about politics when Dawne is out of town and she was getting back from SDCC on Sunday night. 

Zach: Did you know that 100% of the people in Europe are related to Charlemagne?  Isn’t that crazy?
Nate: That guy got around.

Thanks for being patient, ya’ll. Oh! Wait! Who wants to watch Se7en with me this weekend?  Call me! (Roy, I totally just said that in that creepy Family Guy voice.  See, I do miss you. 
J )

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Tuesday, July 10, 2012

Be Fri & St Ends

My sister is super BA.  She can pick snakes ups with her bare hands and will throw lizard tails at you if she's in the mood.  So, imagine my surprise when I was talking to her on the phone the other day and I heard her say... "Oh look!  A grasshopper.  I think I'll feed it to the crayfish... (HIGH PITCHED SCREAMING and nervous hahahaha laughter) ... no, I'm not.  It feels funny on my hand." 

Dawne: Tim, can you take a look at my computer?  I'm afraid to touch anything and mess something up.
Tim (looking at Nala walking over Dawne's keyboard): It's being touched. 

Conversation I had with Zach's friends who are living with us for the summer.
Me: I think Zach's main problem with alcohol is the taste. No matter what the drink, you can always feel the alcohol going down.
Colin:  I like the warmth.  It's like a warm hug. 
Cassidy: hugging your liver. 

Maureen told me that my nephew Kyle came up the hill from his friend Donovan's house because the two boys had had a fight. 
Kyle:  Donovan said that Delaware was a state!
Maureen:  Honey, Delaware is a state.
Kyle: Then how come we didn't get Pokemon cards when we got into Delaware?  We were supposed to get Pokemon cards every time we drove through a new state!

Maureen took her family on a Hudson cruise to see the fireworks on the Fourth of July.  They were all very appreciative.  Kevin, in hushed voice announced, "It's so beautiful.  It's like a dream!"  And that's one of the many reasons why I love that kid.  Speaking of Kevin and love, apparently, Kevin has picked out his uncle.  The boys went to school with Maureen and one of the Math teachers has always been awesome to my nephews.  Last week however, Kevin found out that Dan not only loved peanut butter and peanut butter sandwiches (no Jelly) but his favorite peanut butter was JIF (R).  Later Kevin came up to Mo and said, "I don't know why, I just need a hug" then Kyle screamed "group hug!" Which is when Dan got dragged into the craziness when Kevin screamed "you too Dan!" Later, on their way home, Kevin told my sister that Dan would make a great Uncle and I should work on that.  I have always given Kevin whatever he asks for… but I’m wondering if Maureen having both her sister-in-law and brother-in-law in the same school and department would be awkward?

On the Wednesday, we had over 125 people over to the house to celebrate, "AMERICA NUMBER ONE!"  I had a super good time, not sure about anyone else.  I had such a good time, I didn't even notice when Shana gave me a long hug... that is until Laina started stroking my hair at the same time, and then I REALLY noticed and struggled to get out of Shana's locking embrace.  During the fireworks, I was occupied on the stairs, when Laina and Javier came walking up...
Laina: I’m going to go make out with Javier.
Javier: I'm going to get Laina some water.

Lucas was telling us that he also enjoyed the 4th.  He had some time to chat with Ed and commented that Ed really had it together, he was a real straight shooter - here was his example:
Lucas:  Does Honky-Dory have a hyphen in it?
Ed: I don't know but you know who else doesn't know but will pretend to know? My wife.

On Colin wanting to watch the Gilmore Girls with me...
Zach: You know Tiffany will let you borrow the Gilmore Girls. 
Colin: I can't go home to my family and say that I watched Gilmore Girls by myself.

Me: I know Cassidy wants to watch Game of Thrones, but I am really going to have to put my foot down and watch some Gilmore Girls with Colin.  It's not fair that Cassidy is cute and little and gets what she wants all the time.
Dawne: Colin is cute and little too!
Me: He's definitely cute, but little is a bit of a stretch. Can you be cute and manly?

Later when we were actually watching the Gilmore Girls
Colin: I can't believe I'm watching this. And enjoying it!
Me: Why? I don't understand.  This is a great show.
Colin: Because I'm Black!  We don't like happy things!

(after Lorelei talks about Panda Bear Underwear)
Colin: Do they make panda bear underwear for men?
Me: Yes they do! 
(After I looked up where you could buy men's panda bear underwear.)
Colin:  Are they Hanes?  I only wear Hanes because that's what Michael Jordan wears.

(After Lorelei waves good-bye to Rory)
Shannon: Did you just wave to the tv?
Colin: Uh uh
(Only, he totally did.)

Colin: Does anyone else want the last piece of pizza?
Zach, Shannon, Cassidy, Luke and myself: Go for it!
Colin: Ugh. I don't want it if there's no competition.

Me: We have to get on this [watching Game of Thrones] or else I'll get tired you know?
Lucas: Yes. I understand that people get tired.

On Friday, I got a call from Becky. (I was very excited because she called during the 5 minutes that no one else was home and I got sad and lonely. Meanwhile, by the time I left 15 minutes later, the house was filled with 7 people, but for those 5 minutes... SUPER SAD.)  I met Becky at Tu Casa. 
Becky:  I've thought about it, and I realize that you are ONE of my best friends.
Me: Wait, you JUST realized this?
Becky: It's been sneaking up on me for a while, but yes.  I just realized it.  To solidify this realization, we should go to Claire's and get best friendship necklaces.
Me: Okay.  I call "Be Fri."  

There were so many choices at Claire's.  I saw a classic "Be Fri" and "St Ends" necklace combo, but it was Pink and Yellow, and the "St Ends" side was the Pink side... so clearly that wouldn't work.  There were also pickle necklaces.  We decided on a sedate pair, (with Rhinestones and a poem).  I told Becky I'd wear the Be Fri side if she also bought me Pop Rocks.  Isn't being friends with me awesome? 

Saturday we went to the dog park, then hung out in the pool with special guest appearances by Matty, his lady friend, and Kelly.  After hanging out for a bit, I decided that we all needed to get out of the pool suddenly (shower if necessary) and run over to Shana's.  While I did motivate us to get over there, I did it without mentioning that when we arrived, we were going to see Lucha Libre on the streets of South Park.  We then grabbed dinner with Shana, her parents and this gentleman named "Darsh."   He was well into the cups by the time we met him, and he then ordered two shots, a margarita, two beers and some other concoction.  Kelly, sitting across from him, thought he looked very familiar.  She couldn't quite place him until suddenly it came to her:

He came back from the men's room a whole new angrier person. He was talking about something, I heard, "tragedy" and responded with, "Are we talking about Whitney Houston?"  And he said that Whitney Houston was a tragic.... (long pause where I said, "tragedy?") ...victim of her circumstances.  That’s when he told me that I made him sick and he never wanted to look upon my face again and that I was not to look in his direction.   I told Shana it was probably time to leave.  Later when I told Shana what happened she said, "Wow.  Harsh Darsh."   True story.

Saturday evening, Jacob, Nate's best friend, sees Arda, Luke's best friend and say, "You're ME!  You're Luke's ME and I'm Nate's YOU!"  as if this just occurred to him.  Then the next morning, after 7 years of Jacob staying over at the house, he showered for the first time (at the house) before.  Which I thought was funny only because, as many of you know, I like to show up at friend's house and immediately request that I use their shower.  (I like to be clean!)

Sunday, the whole crew when to IHop with Shannon's parents and then I jumped in the pool for a bit, and canceled my doctor's appointment so that I could go see Magic Mike. 

At brunch...
Lucas: The Lakers are from LA.  See? I know everything about basketball.

On my way down to the pool I overheard Luke and his friends chatting, specifically...
Luke: It's a beautiful day
Arda: Okay, we see it. There's is a bunch of windows.

And when we were in the pool...
Me: Jordan, when is your call?
Jordan: In 5 minutes.
Me: Will it be over by 1:15?
Jordan: I think so, yes.
Me: Oh good.  I need to leave at 1:15 and I don't want to leave Dawne with no one to entertain her. 

Magic Mike... was entertaining but perhaps had TOO much of a story line?  Here was Jen's response the invitation to see the movie:

My excitement will not ABate until the ABsolutely fABulous spectacle of ABdominals sets our lady parts ABlaze with ABnormal levels of ABusive lust.

I know I'm being too vague... so just to clarify: THERE WILL BE ABS!!!!

Also I will not be ABsent.  There. Now I'm done.

Oh Man!  I forgot to tell you all that I got a package from Frita!  He tried to make sure that I got it before I left for my trip... but there's always next time.  Inside, I found... wait for it... A PURPLE SIMPSON'S FANNY PACK. 

Baby Story Corner:

I was chatting with Debina the other day and she told me that after holding her new nephew, of 7 pounds, that she was not in shape enough to have a baby.  Seriously, after ten minutes she was exhausted.  :)

Becky's friend is pregnant and the doctor told her she was going to have a c-section in a week (4 weeks before her due date.) After going through all of the things she was going to have to do (baby room, reading books, and other prep), Becky's thoroughly comforting words were, "So, basically, you just realized you are having a baby."

I finally got to chat with Julie, who just had a baby and then proceeded to buy a house 8 doors down from her parents.  Mike, Julie's brother and his girlfriend were visiting from Atlanta (a move that Julie's mother was NOT happy about).  That's when Nick (Julie's husband) told Mike about just how much he owes him for moving so close.   (I feel like I messed this story up, but if you know Julie and her mother, this story is very cute.) 

And finally, I'll give you two, Christy my co-worker stories (and this is why it's dangerous to ask me to write about you.)

I think I mentioned before that Christy, Rick and I had a conversation at one point that we established that when I complain about things, I want someone to fix it.  When Christy complains, she just wants someone to validate her emotions.  So... when Christy told me that she was cold because of a fan that was sitting on the floor 5 feet from her, I said, "I'm really sorry to hear that."  This happened in various combinations for the next 3 or 4 hours. 
Christy: I SAID, I'M COLD.
Me: I know.  I'm sorry to hear that you're cold. 
Christy: NO! I'm cold and I want you to FIX IT!
Me: Oh.  Okay. 
Then, I walked past her, to the fan, on the floor, again, 5 feet from her, and said, "Hey, does anyone mind if I move this 15 degrees so it's not blowing in our direction?"  No one minded, so I nudged the fan slightly. 
Christy:  Thanks.  I can't believe you waited so long to do that. 
Me: I would have fixed it earlier, but you always tell me not to fix your problems.
Christy: Actually.  Wow.  I can't believe I sat in the cold for 4 hours instead of just moving that fan slightly. 
Me: Me neither, buddy.

Ten minutes later.
Me: AGH! I broke my pen!
Christy... reaching into her desk drawer, where I thought she was going to pull out a new pen for me... pulled out a broken pen, that had broken the EXACT same way: Look! Me too!
Me: Why did you keep a broken pen in your desk?
Christy: For this very moment, when you needed your emotional frustration to be validated. 


Monday, July 2, 2012

Ingrates? Kiwi and Grapes.

This update is going to be all over the place.  I need to go back in time a bit and cover items that I left out from a couple of weeks ago and then I’ll fill you in on what happened last week. It’ll be a bouncy pin ball machine of an update – which is much more similar to how my brain works anyway – I usually only pull it together and organize for the “historical” accuracy factor. 

Before I left on the trip, we got a surprise visit from my Uncle Bill.  He lives in Illinois, so we don’t get to see him very often.  My mom’s family grew up in Chicago, so even though people have moved out of the state, it’s still basically the home base of the family. 

Uncle Bill: Next time you're in town (Chicago), you should give me a call.
Zach:  Okay, will do.  Next time somebody dies. 
(We don't make it out to Chicago that often.) 

In reference to the one pound puppy in our house, Luke said, “The “baby” is not of earth.  That dog is made of Prometheus bacteria.”

There are 3 dogs in the house now, and yesterday, as Zach was walking from the kitchen to the living room, he mentions, “You can't go four feet without running into another dog that you have to pet.” 

I posted a picture of Nala in a pink Tinker Bell shirt
Me: I don’t think she cares for collared shirts.
BDug: If rage were a tiny shivering dog, it would be this one.

My nephews have started to text me.  My first conversation with Kevin went like this:
Kevin: It’s me Kevin.  Write back soon.
Me: Hiya Kevin!  How’s the summer going?
Kevin: J Are you sure you want to know?

That’s my Godson. 

When we got on the plane to go down to Florida, there was this little kid sitting in front of me.

Flight Attendant (to kid): You’re here!  You’re right here!
Nate: Where am I?  WHERE AM I!?
Me:  You’re here!  You’re right here! 

(Rinse and repeat over the next 7 days.)

We were also soaking wet for much of the trip.  At one point, with every bit of clothing and skin dripping and drenched to the core, for hours, I heard Nate announce, “Oh no.  I got water in my shoes.  There’s water IN my SHOES. “Not even trying to keep a straight face, I told him how upsetting that must be.  He told me he would keep me updated on the situation as it developed.  And he did to my everlasting delight.   

I think Kathi, the German, if hilarious.  She shared an album from our trip and I think her captions are so hilarious that I need you to look for yourself:

I started watching Game of Throne’s with Cassidy (one of three of Zach’s friends who are staying with us this summer.)  I told Zach that I was going to work on getting his friends to love me while he was out of town for a week.  I felt like Colin and I needed to bond, so I suggested we watch the Gilmore Girls together – half kidding.  Then I went up to watch GoT with Cassidy.  As we were walking upstairs, I heard Colin yell, “I’m still sulking!!” I thought the sulk was b/c of having to watch anything with me – but the next day I found out he told people about watching GG with me, and when I got home he asked when we were going to get started.  WOOT!  4 episodes in and I think I’ve won Lorelei and Rory some new fans!  (and yes, I’m making Colin sing “Where you lead” with me.)  In other news, I started watching Bunheads last night.  I love it!  (Momela, if you haven’t gotten on this yet, you need to ASAP. It is another Amy Sherman-Palladino work of genius.  I think my favorite line was when the main character is walking down the street and an old man is like “You takin’ a walk?” and she says, “Uh.  Yes.” And he says, “Wanna walk my dog?”  I think I’ll try that some time.


I had breakfast with Becky on Thursday.  As we were going out to our cars, I mentioned that I would be getting my plates the next day. 
Becky:  Oh please tell me you are going to get proper license plate frames.  It is so incredibly tacky when people leave the dealer plates.  You pay so much money for a car and then you can’t even be bothered to get new frames?  That is just the pinnacle of laziness and low class. 
Me:  Dude, I have new frames ready to be put on… get off my ca--- Wait, a goddamn minute.  You still have the dealer frames on your caryou’re your car is over a year old!
Becky:  Oh.  I guess I do.  That’s embarrassing. 

(I didn’t like the hypocrite choices, but this card made me chuckle, so yw.)

The next day…

Becky: Good morning!  I am sooooo tired...  I think original pancake house gave me regular coffee yesterday.  I felt wired when we left, but I thought I was just all jazzed from seeing you.  Then during my NOA meeting it didn't wear off.  I texted Jared, "Either they gave me regular coffee this morning or I'm coming down with Parkinson's." Then I was up until midnight, so I took a unisom.  I took another at 1am, and finally got to sleep around 2.

I adore that she thought I could energize her that much but I also hope this doesn’t mean we have to stop going to the OPH. 

On Saturday was Diana’s 30th birthday party.  There was this five year old with a Mohawk grabbing for some fruit.
Zach: Did he just call us ingrates?
Me: He said “Kiwi and grapes.”
Zach: Oh!  I was going to say this kid has a great vocabulary.  That’s a great idea though.  I think I’m going to teach my kids really intelligent insults to use instead of cursing. 
Me:  You should start getting in the habit now then. 
(More awesome pictures can be found here:
(More awesome pictures can be found here:
Me: Our family or their family?
Zach: Their
Dawne: He already knows how people feel about our family.
Zach was talking about cloud cover and temperatures, and what might be causing the heat across the US.

Zach was talking about cloud cover and temperatures, and what might be causing the heat across the US.
Me:  That’s how about my film noir class.

I ran back from the party to quickly change before Adam arrived to take some photographs.  (I’m not sure if you’re supposed to “quickly” get ready for a photo shoot, but I guess that’s what photo shop is for? :P  Anyway, I was totally nervous to have that much focus and attention on myself.  Plus, I have no idea what to do with my face at any given time.  I think it’s fair to say that Adam was able to capture my personality and life philosophy of “Not being able to take anything seriously” in this one photo: 

More awesome Adam photo's here:

Zach: I can't believe someone would hate their family.
Zach: You know, even though I hated that environmental weather class, I learned a lot of information that I’ll never use.
Uncle Ray: What do you mean?  You just used it!
Jordan:  That would be helpful if you were working for me right now. 
Me: But I’m not. 
Uncle Ray: Why would you take a film noir class?
Dawne:  It was a part of her major.  I just wanted my dad to know weren't a f*ck up.
Jordan: I think you meant “wasn’t always a f*ck up.”

Zach’s three friends’ sleeping arrangements got moved around last week while we had another family staying with us.  After they left yesterday, Dawne got their rooms ready for them again.
Dawne: You can move back to your old rooms now.
Cassidy: Right now? 
Dawne: Yup.  They’re ready.
Cassidy: That’s GREAT! I’ll tell Shannon right now.  YAY! Thank you soooo much!
Dawne: I didn’t think she’d be that excited to get back to the brown house.
Me: Oh. Well, apparently Shannon and Cassidy have been calling one of the beds “Nightmare Bed” because whom ever has slept in that bed, has had crazy nightmares. They tried to steal Colin’s couch, but Colin wasn’t budging because he also didn’t want to sleep in “Nightmare Bed.” 
--I’m never going to tell you which bed is nightmare bed… now who wants to come visit?---

Shana and I get this text from Jen last week that is just the sweetest thing.  She’s was thanking us for our friendship and telling us how amusing we are and that “We are really truly humorous and that counts for alot” and just a bunch of really nice words. 
Me: I’m glad you didn’t include Laina.  She would have said something snarky about making “a lot” one word.  And then I posted:
Jen: I like this alot.  Also thanks for grammar slamming me right after I told you you're my funniest friend :P
(I’m not good at receiving complements.)

As some of you might know my sister is much tougher than I am.  She is a self-proclaimed, uncompassionate (though that seems harsh to me… which maybe just emphasizes the point) individual who rarely cries or gets emotional.  Last year, when someone was retiring there was another teacher who was crying at the ceremony/last day.  Maureen basically told this chick that she was a big baby and that it wasn’t like the person was dying, they were just retiring.  I wouldn’t be surprised if there was additional mocking from my sister on that day and days to follow.  Now, at the end of this school year, the head of the math department was retiring (who was also Maureen’s mentor.)  Maureen started getting a little emotional and immediately ran to the bathroom to hide.  When she got there, who was also in that bathroom?  The same woman who Mo had mocked mercilessly the year before. She knew she was in for it, and even tried to take the mocking on the following days, until she couldn’t handle being the one who was getting made fun of and said something to the effect of, “The only reason why I got weepy like a little girl is because I’ve been hanging out with babies like you too much.”  Or maybe she just quoted that old drug commercial, “I LEARNED IT FROM WATCHING YOU” either way, really mature. 

Other updates, I went to the eye doctor and either I have some permanent eye damage… or more likely… this is falling into the “Tiffany takes forever to heal” category.  They also gave me new contacts that make my eyeballs uncomfortable, so plan on me blinking a lot for the next week as I pretend to get used to these.  When I went to get a mani/pedi, the Vietnamese chick there gave me a lecture about getting lasik, and despite how many times my brother has told me to get lasik, this chick solved main issue with the surgery.
Me: I don’t know.  I don’t like knowing that I can’t rub my eyes afterwards.
Chick: Just don’t do that.
Me: But what about when you’re in the shower and water gets in your eyes!
Chick: Don’t take a shower.
Dawne:  You don’t know her.  That’s not an option.
Chick:  Fine.  Have someone else wash your hair in a salon for a week or wear goggles in the shower. 
Now my concern seems *almost* silly. I’ll keep you posted. 

My nephew, Kyle, came walking out onto the deck holding a 10 pound bible in only his underpants. 
Mo: Are you wearing underpants?
Kyle: YES!  Mom, how old is the youngest saint? Can I be a saint?
Mo:  You have to perform two miracles.
Kyle: I do come every time you call us to help you. 
Mo: So close, Honey!

Have a great fourth people!