Monday, January 24, 2011

I’m dying but whatevs

Becky: If you are able to say “I’m dying but whatevs.” You shouldn’t be using WebMD.
T O’B: On the contrary, I think I am the ideal demographic.

(Ten minutes later in my inbox I found)

Here’s the filter:
When you say “I think I’m dying…” you would also follow up with which phrase:
a)      “…please call 911.”
b)      “…what do you think of this rash?”
c)       “…because I can’t feel my legs.”
d)      “…but whatev.”

If you answer any of the following except “d,” then you’re allowed to surf WebMD.
Another good filter question would be:
If you thought your liver was not functioning correctly, would you:
a)      Go to the hospital.
b)      Take the day off work.
c)       Have a friend come stay with you.
d)      Attend a distillery crawl.

Again, if you answer any of the following except “d,” then you’re allowed to surf WebMD.
I don’t know if you can hear it, but I’m silently giggling so hard I think I’m going to hurt myself.

While this is hilarious—I still think I am the ideal demographic.  Seriously, if I am able to dismiss the result that I am dying with a “Whatevs” then clearly I still have some semblance of sanity intact.  Wait.  Or maybe what I meant was, if I can still say “whatevs” then clearly I am waiting to panic until I see a physician instead of running to the emergency room.  I believe that if someone can’t feel their legs and decide to check WebMD first, they are nutso (official medical term.) 

Also, this is coming from the girl who told me to call in "Sour Milked." 

PS My dad called and said I should read the Plague because it’s right up my alley these days. 
Really Post-Script: Apparently, when Becky is done giggling she’s going to respond here at  I can’t wait to hear more of her loving concern… 

Sober at the Distillery

Luke: Did the French ever think we were cool? Oh right.  They liked us on D-Day. 
Jordan: Yea, they liked us when we freed them from the Germans.
Luke: We should do that more often.  Like Kathy (his German sister) will start dating a Frenchman and we’ll be like “no.”

(I might have told this story in the kitchen today – not realizing there was a French woman in the room.  I hope she thought it was funny too b/c I need some images from her today.)

Rebecca says: I'm going to send you a "folder of auras"
Tiffany says: Don't you mean "Fauz-ders of Are-Ahs?"
Faux-ders. I ruined my own joke
Rebecca says: that's ok, in giggling at your ruined joke I tried to drink from the wrong side of my cup
Tiffany says: Lol (I don't know why I hold in my laughs.  Andy next to me laughs all the time, full bellied laughs, at things he has read, and no one EVER asks him what he's laughing at.)

Becky: I don’t like my scale
T O’B: You want one isn’t so harsh dishing out the truth?

My boss is pregnant and the other day in a meeting she told a couple of people and when they asked about the sex of the baby she was all “If we were in NY I would know but out here apparently they a little more lax about going to Doctors.”   This was after an earlier comment of people calling New Yorkers “Shady” and having her respond, “I like to think of it as more Wily and cunning.”  I heart being around my own kind. 

Whilst at OfficeMax the other day with Becktoria, I picked up a bean-bag ball from a bin and then immediately put it back saying “Think about all the other people who have touched that!” Then I reached around an took some anti-bacteria stuff saying “You don’t mind if I take some of this do you?” While Becky said, “Germaphobia just kicked in huh?”  When we left the building, Becky immediately said, “I am extremely disappointed by how un-amused that cashier was of our behavior.  We get better responses from the strangers in the elevator.”  Me: “I know! Does she have that many other amusing entertainments that she found our behavior only worthy of a pitiful half smile? You know she was thinking ‘That chick didn’t even wait for me to answer before she took my anti-bacterial stuff.’ And then she used her 30 cent lotion button to my bill knowing that I was giggling too much to even notice.”

I was almost scammed the other day—I don’t know why I find almost being scammed to be such an amusing occurrence other than the fact that maybe I’m just proud that I am able to recognize the difference.  

Becky: I deserve a slow clap and a slow head shake of pride for the awesome parking spot I got today.
(Tiffany is Away)
(OMG She’s actually coming over!!)

I got an email from a friend on Thursday. “Went to the urologist today.  I get UTI's at least one time a month.  Ultrasound came back showing that I have kidney stones.  30 is, indeed, the new 70.  To give you an idea of the demographic in the office, when I came in, I opened the door and literally hit a woman in a wheelchair.” 

I drink 2/3 of a pot of coffee every morning before 9:30.  I make the coffee and then put it into a series of stylish but oh so convenient to-go mugs and enjoy hot beverages all morning.  Friday, I realized that I had forgotten to get ½ and ½ so I finished the last of the carton for my car coffee, and then I used milk from the fridge for the rest of the coffee.  When I took my first gulp of coffee when I got to work, I found that the milk was totally sour.  I immediately grabbed a VIA and ran to the kitchen, ripping the package open on my way, to get something to wash out the horrid taste left in my mouth.  I told Becky—she told me her husband once drank sour milk and threw up an hour later—and I should just leave right then and there calling out “sour milked.” 

I looked over and saw that someone had received flowers in the office and I suddenly wanted to order flowers for myself.  It didn't even occur to me to think "Aww.. I wish someone had sent me flowers."

I noticed that someone typed “what does it mean when he calls me jerkface” and stumbled on my blog—this here is my audience.

L: It has officially been a year, so I’m a virgin again. It’s grown back.
J: I don’t want to even think about things growing where.
L: My Hyman, J.

Shana asked me to be her sober buddy this weekend… and then sent me an evite to go on a series of distillery tours.  The good news is I think we are all going back to the absinth distillery to work for booze by bottling the Absinthe.  I actually am not sure how that is good news… but it’s something to look forward to. 

We had some time to kill between the tours and our dinner reservation so we hit up a liquor store, naturally, and World Market.  While sitting at Cost Plus World Market on Saturday night, Laina turned to me and said, “Classic Birthday Party.”  

We ended the evening at Purple where Michael described what he just ate by saying, “It’s like eating a bar of soap but it’s a good thing.”  And someone had the nerve to think I was 37. 

I got an email from a guy at work asking if I wanted to order tamale’s.  Not wanting to miss out on anything, I ordered one.  It turns out, he knows some woman, who makes these tamales. And on Thursday, he shows up with a huge cooler filled with over 400 tamales for the office.  Becky took one look and asked “Do you also have spare organs in there?” and “Do you have this woman chained in your basement? Or do I not want to know?”  Either way, it was delish. 

I watched 27 Dresses the other day and I both love and hate this movie.  See, Dawne thinks that Katherine Heigl is the brown eyed version (I can’t believe Pandora just started playing Brown Eyed Girl when I typed that) of me.  This means, that when we are watching 27 Dresses, its all, you would SO do that. And don’t worry; you’ll make it to 27.  So much so, that when Luke asked why Katherine Heigl’s character did something mean I said, “You see Luke, sometimes we just give and give and give and then we get really angry and do something horrid and we feel really guilty about it afterwards.  We can’t help it.”  This movie, combined with watching Bridget Jones and Bridget Jones Edge of Reason, was maybe not the best thing for a girl like me to watch all in a row and I don’t have to explain why. 

Oh! And if you are in the area, please come to see Luke’s band Allium play at Studio 7 on Wednesday! 

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

Why 30 is the new 70

While I’m not yet 30, I imagine I will still feel the same way when I turn 30—and 30 is the new 70 sounds better.   As usual, one little bee has gotten stuck in my bonnet—and now I’ll use this opportunity to get on my soap box about that topic while hastily tacking on 9 more, less thought out, but no less true, opinions that loosely coagulate to my rapid slide into old age.  Feel free, in the style of Dana Carvey, to add “And that’s the way it was. And we LIKED it!  We LOVED it!” to every statement. 

  1. In my day, we were taught by our teachers and MLA that periods were followed by two spaces.  The article that has been circulating about two spaces being antiquated because we no longer use type-writers is silly.  Are you implying that you can’t read this paragraph?  Or that laziness and technology is one in the same?  At what point do we just start using “U” as “you” because it makes texting easier and typing whole words out is so totally old-fashioned?  Last time I checked my blackberry requires me to type two spaces at the end of a sentence to even get a period to be inserted—or is my non-touch screen phone also archaic?
  2. My father, who has perfect penmanship, wrote an assignment on the board of his 8th grade class and not a single student could read it because it was in script.  Letter writing was on the obsolete list this year as well.  I can’t support a world in which writing is phased out of existence—and not just because I like to doodle in notebooks during meetings.
  3. In my day, Hanna Barbara and the Jetson’s made me promises that they couldn't keep.  The closest I am to having a Martha is a Roomba, and frankly that isn’t cutting down my morning schedule at ALL.  
  4. Wearing a suit or the equivalent of a suit is the proper wardrobe to wear to an interview.  I don’t care what coast you are from or that you are an “artist” or whatever silly argument you have.  Show some respect as a professional and look your very best.  Wearing jeans and sneakers does not make you cool, or more relatable to your future employer, it makes you look like a slob.  That’s right.  I said slob, and I don’t even have any grand-children. 
  5. In addition, when an event is black tie, it means dress “Fancy.”  Wearing ripped jeans with a blazer or sequined over-alls does not make you “unique.”  It makes you look like you are trying too hard to make a statement and now we all think you didn't look at the invitation and/or you can’t afford a dress or tux. 
  6. Today’s kids are getting up to 250 dollar rewards at report card time for simply not doing worse than last semester! When I was in school, my parents had a very strict reward system.  If you improved your grade, you got a dollar, if you went down in any subject you lost a dollar and you got a dollar for every A.  (This is why everyone made sure to never to get perfect scores the first semester so you had room for improvement).  If you played your cards right, you could be looking at a steady income of 14 dollars 4 times a year! 
  7. In my day, you never referred to your parents (or anyone else who demanded respect) as “He” or “She.”  You use their proper names—none of this “BUT SHE TOLD ME I COULD!” business. And if we forgot this rule, we were promptly reminded by one parent and ignored by the other until we addressed the individual by their God given name—you know “Mom” and “Dad.” 
  8. My friend Nick constantly complains about technology.  He should really be writing this particular piece, but mostly he thinks that books should be made of paper, iTunes is basically selling the idea of music rather than actual music—and I haven’t asked him about Netflix, but I’m pretty sure he has a collection of VHS tapes right next to his CD’s and hard-cover books.  I thought he was going to cry when he told me that his librarian neighbor had bought a kindle.  Now I love to argue on the side of technology while juggling my own kindle, iPods and Netflix and HULU playing devices, I can’t stop myself from wanting to hold my purchases in my hand.  And, if you would like to borrow a CD for your next road trip or a book for your beach vacation you can give me a call.
  9. Speaking of calling, I understand the beauty of texting. I have fallen under its spell for communication.  But a little bit of me will always love getting a phone call… and secretly knows that you don’t really know how funny my joke is until you've heard how hard I’m laughing at it. 
  10. I still think Pluto is a planet, triceratops is my favorite dinosaur, and I refuse to learn what the new Zodiac sign is. 

Monday, January 17, 2011

It's Either Cholera or the Plague.

(After telling Becky that the number one reason not to eat cupcakes was b/c she would have to walk there without a winter coat.) Becky: I might get skinny from my own laziness.

I may have mentioned that Becky and I told the coffee ladies at CafĂ© Ladro that we were willing to pay them not to serve us pastries.  Well, Becky decided last week that she also wanted to test them by going down stairs, requesting a chocolate espresso cake, and when they acquiesced, yell “We told you not to serve us that!” but they didn’t oblige her by forgetting. 

Doreen’s 4 year old daughter walked up to Maureen and said: Guess what!? I can gargle my slime!
Mo turned to Do and said: You must be so proud.

(Whilst in the elevator)
Becky: She works at Meydenbauer.
Me: Where?
Becky: Meydenbauer Convention center.
Me: Never heard of it.
Becky: You’re impossible.
Stranger: I agree with her.
Me: I only know about real convention centers.
(Stranger walked off of elevator thoroughly and visibly disgusted with me.)
Me:  We should do that more often.
Becky: Disgruntle stranger in 30 seconds? Ya.  We should try to do it once a week.
Me: I don’t think we even have to try. 

There is a woman in our building who goes down to the deli in the lobby every day and gets a plate breakfast, yogurt, coffee and fruit—essentially making it impossible to find a spare hand—and relies on the help of strangers to press the right buttons to her office.  I know this b/c I have helped her twice, and the other day, another person was in the process of helping her. Only, to make it worse, she is one of the people who need to use her key card in order to press the right floor—and she NEVER has her key card ready or in a convenient place.  This means, she has to hand over half of her breakfast to someone, and hunt for her card, swipe it and then take back her breakfast.  I am truly baffled by a grown woman being so entirely dependent.  The panic in and of itself that I would have on a daily basis would force me to think of a better breakfast solution—and it terrifies me to know that there are people like her walking this earth. 

Eva: I remember Mr. Testa taught us about Beatrix Potter in science class.  So, I never really learned anatomy
 me:  That was a good lesson
Eva: Yeah.. we read her books.. saw the cartoon and the documentary  Ask me about Peter Rabbit - I'm golden  Parts of the body? eh  Luckily, there was operation for that.
 me:   yes... and WebMD PS I totally started thinking that I had appendicitis on Christmas eve only b/c I kept waking up in serious pain like sharp pain and then started dry heaving and the pain lasted for two days. My mom was all... oooh. where did you say it was?  Like you should ever say something like that to me.  Can you name a single other website that is as terrifying as WebMD?
Eva: Some might say Wiki leaks.. but no. WebMD wins out
 me: Wiki leaks makes me really angry. I just sent you a heartwarming bedtime story about the Plague in the US.   

Eva: I thought I had cholera a few weeks ago
 me: That’s more common though. The plague is a deadly little rat. I'm still getting pain--so I am looking at a map of human anatomy
Eva: just read a Beatrix potter book!

 I know I am sitting next to a window... but I am obsessively checking to see if it will start snowing soon.

(At Sushi with new person)
New Person: Do you like Sushi?
Me: No, I hate it.  I’m here to be social.
Becky: I couldn’t leave her.  She’s too pathetic.

Luke thinks I’m asking for too much, but I would like to make a campaign to make this happen by 2012: 

I asked my nephew if he was wearing his pajamas inside out to ensure that he would get a snow day and he said, “No, but I sang Carols to the refrigerator, mostly jingle bells.” 

Shana: Did you get my email about the PAWS event on Saturday?
Me: Yup, I am going to Great Wolf Lodge this weekend.
Shana: Oh that’s right.
( ½ hour later)
Shana: Did you get my email about the PAWS event on Saturday?
Me: Yup, I am going to Great Wolf Lodge this weekend.
Shana: Oh that’s right
(2 ½ hours later)
Shana: Did you get my email about the PAWS event on Saturday?
Me: Yup, I am going to Great Wolf Lodge this weekend.
Shana: My brain really isn’t functioning.
Me: You should try eating.  That usually helps me.

Which totally reminds me of when the COO and EVP of Marketing went on an all fruit and vegetable diet for a month (although the EVP came in on day two and told the COO what he had for dinner and the COO was all “How in the world did you think that CHEESE was a fruit or vegetable?) and by the time the monthly cleanse was finished we all seriously wondered about the intelligence of following the judgment of man who hadn’t eaten in a month. 

We went to Great Wolf Lodge this weekend—and it is a MAGICAL place!  The entire place is a decorated cabin with snowflakes and twinkle lights and yet three little girls walked into the lobby and exclaimed “OOH! There’s a DISCO BALL!” and as I looked up, beyond all of the hanging decorations and wonderment was a teeny disco ball on the ceiling, proving without a doubt that there really is something for everyone at the GWL.  The water slides were incredible, there is a thing where you can climb a horizontal rope ladder across floating lily-pads (which I immediately gave up on due to the fact that the rope was rough and hurt my hands), and you can get magic wands and run around the entire hotel lighting things and opening secret wonderments, and there is story time with toll house cookies. Oh—and a STARBUCKS! Really, this place is A-MAZE-ING!  So incredible that when I woke at 8:30 am, I was totally fired up to go back on the slides—and I’m not fired up for anything at 8:30am as a general rule. 

Before we headed home, we stopped at the “Little Red Barn” b/c Dawne loves to go to places that have character (but then again, who doesn’t?) When you walked in there were huge signs saying “HOWDY PARDNER! PLEEZE SEAT YO’SELF” and wolves and moose paintings on the walls—so basically it was awesome.  We had lunch and then as we were leaving, I hear Luke’s bff sigh and say “I’m gonna miss this place.”   I hear ya, Pardner.

In art class to his teacher, Luke’s friend said, “You like that? You want to buy it?”  

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

It's called "Sleigh Riding" and 9 other things Westchester did to me.

I grew up in Jefferson Valley, NY where I lived for 18 years, moved to PA for college, and have spent the last 7 years in WA.  And I am now willing to admit to some “special” idiosyncrasies b/c the JV girl in me will never die. 

  1. When it starts snowing, and I want to take a sled and sail down a hill I call it “Sleigh Riding.”  I know there are no horses involved and I know I’m not from 1852, but up on the hill, we are proud to Sleigh Ride… and if we time it right, we really love Sleigh Riding right down the middle of Perry Street, curving at the last minute so we don’t hit traffic until we get yelled at by Mrs. Lewis. 
  2. I went to school in the Lakeland school district which means basically that I learned all I need to know about Grammar from Mad Libs and I envy people who know the state capitals and learned Greek mythology.  (Not enough to teach these things to myself, but enough to use my kindle’s dictionary when reading the Percy Jackson Series.)
  3. Lakeland HS also inexplicably got out at 1:45pm and had 41 minute classes, with 3 minutes to get to the next class.  If anyone was wondering, this is why we all walk fast and we can’t sit through hour long meetings. 
  4. My father always told me that I didn’t have an accent because I’m from (In his haughtiest voice) “Westchester.”  I cling to this fact and like to ignore entirely that it was said to me by a guy who grew up in the Bronx.
  5. I heart the sound that the “W” makes.  I have to consciously avoid saying “Draw” for Drawer, Ow-el for Owl, Awwf for “Off”, and basically add W’s to your basic words like Ball, Wall, Coffee, Talk, and Walk.   I once had to translate (by adding a w) for my sister, after she said “What?” 4 times in a row when I said “The Coffee place was closed at 5 am.” 
  6. I do not heart the letter “T” when it is placed in the middle of words.  When I hear other people pronounce the T’s, I giggle inside b/c it sounds so funny to me.  That’s right.  It is impor’ant to me that li’le words like bu’on, wri’en, and new’on not be annunciated and I really don’t know why this is.  (And yet, when my bff in college said “Dudn’t it? For the first time—it took him ten full minutes for me to stop laughing and convince me that he actually says “Dudn’t it, wudn’t it and idn’t it.”)
  7. I am ashamed to say that my roommate Julie, despite my constant mocking, forced the mispronunciation of “Older and Folder” on me and every time I hear myself say “Faux-der” I want to send a sad face text to her. 
  8. I believe in wearing your pajamas inside out to get a snow day, that driving in the snow is not impossible but should be done only when necessary, and will never buy a car with rear wheel drive. 
  9. I never say fuhgeddaboudit – That’s ridiculous.  But I do like to speak quickly, I blend words together and I do say Chicken Parm—and don’t understand why you would bother wasting time to saying the whole word. 
  10. I know for a fact that Wild Turkeys are terrifying. 

Monday, January 10, 2011

Almost a Magical Weekend

At one point on Saturday, Zach turned to me and said, “Man, you are going to be able to write an entire segment on Monday just on what we did today!” That’s when we paused to see if we could even remember what we did, and realized that sometimes when you have a perfect day, you don’t remember what made it perfect.  I think this is the main cause of pessimism in the world. Here’s what I do remember of this week…

Luke’s teacher’s teacher in high school was foreign of some kind (I didn’t know how funny the story was when he started telling it to pay attention to the details.)  She was explaining migrant workers and border patrol, but unfortunately confused her terminology during the lecture by replacing “Manual Labor” with “Hand Jobs.”  Which led to a long class period of kids muffling their giggles as she explained the trial and tribulations Mexican’s risking their lives and liberty to cross the US border only to get Hand Jobs when they arrived. 

It was someone’s birthday on Facebook, but only one of my friends knew b/c he doesn’t make that information public.  When I exclaimed that I felt uncomfortable wishing him a HB without solid FB proof—my other friend mentioned that she remembered his birthday b/c in 5th grade her best friend Jackie was in love with the birthday boy.  After I got over the shock that I was not, in fact, her best friend in 5th grade, I realized that while I don’t remember any of my crushes birthday’s Eva sure would.  I asked Eva to confirm this statement and she said, “And their license numbers!”   It’s scary ‘cuz it’s true.

Eva: so Joe and I aren't friends on FB... but I just looked him up... and his profile pic is a picture of me and him! It means a lot! :)
me: Do you suppose it means more or less than the fact he wants to house up with you in the suburbs?
Eva: good question.   I can't decide.   FB is huge. I got teary eyed when I saw my pic!

(I threatened to friend him, mostly to rile Eva up.)

me: I can’t friend him, I don't even know his last name
Eva: I know your crushes from middle school’s bdays.. and you don't know my bfs last name?! Again… beside myself ;)
me: wait!   I do know it
Eva: yes
me: Hecht? Heit?
Eva: haha you were right with hecht.

And now I don’t have to remember anything again for another 5 years!

Becky: So you know how after knowing someone for a long time you can anticipate what they are going to say just by their expression?  While I was home my best friend had gotten her underwear stuck on her button when she was pulling up her pants in the bathroom and I could tell what she was going to say just by the look of frustration and panic on her face so I was like “Do you need help with that?”
Me: Wait.  Go Back. Why were you watching her pull her pants up in the bathroom?

In our house, when it is your birthday, you get to choose where we go for dinner.  Day’s before his birthday, Lucas asked me to guess where we were going.  I failed miserably.  I should have known he wanted to go to IKEA for dinner.

Zach and I had 24 hours together… which is the first time I had really gotten to hang out with him on his winter break.  We woke up early and naturally wanted to do workout videos.  Thinking that walking down to the exercise room was too much work, we decided to just do the workouts on Nate’s bed (I’d apologize here, but I don’t think Nate will actually read this. :P) We did everything from P90X to Billy Blanks, Pilates to Capoeira.  Naturally, Zach worked harder, but he has to show his abs off at the beach more than I do. 

I almost had a magical weekend.  Our big plan was to go to the Harry Potter exhibit at the Pacific Science Center but the place was packed.  We ended up parking in a lot a couple of blocks away.  When we got to the entrance there was a huge line (and I of course was not wearing a jacket and had not dried my hair.)  We waited in line, tried to buy tickets on line, and then announced that it looked like it was sold out.  My proclamation elicited sad faces and moans from the kids around me and parents saying that they had driven so far to get there… etc.  It turns out they didn’t have tickets until 4 so we decided NOT to steal tickets from small children and head to Chipotle.  At the parking deck, we did our second good deed by giving our paid parking ticket to a family arriving.  (Sure, we didn’t tell them that HP was sold out, but at least they didn’t have to waste 10 dollars.)  Feeling like we had “enough adventure” for one day, back to Bellevue we drove. 

We also watched City of Ember—which Zach rated it as “Almost as good as Garfield.” Grabbed some Thai, and then saw Narnia.  Perhaps, the reason why I can’t remember anything from my perfect days is b/c  our hilarity stems from mocking movies and television shows and that is simply too much, and too trivial, to explain to you.  You’re welcome for not trying.     

I had to get up at 5:30am yesterday to drive Luke to ski club.  When I called my mom she said, “You’re up early! Or are you still up from last night?”  Really, Mom? Does that sound like Tiffany behavior? She replied "I can keep hoping can't I?"  The rest of the day was a little blurry due to the fact that I was so sleepy.  I went to this French place for brunch with BDug, Charles and Missy—and I believe all three of them gave me unpleasant looks when I ordered eggs and bacon.  Do I judge you when you order? No.  Had I asked for everything on the menu and bucket, sure.  Judge away.  Otherwise, to quote the late hilarity of Chris Farley, LAY OFF ME I’M STARVING!”

Brunch was followed by another round at Wade’s.  Honestly, I think I’m over it.  I mean I was over it before, but I really mean it this time.  I am clearly never going to earn a place in the NRA. Glad it wasn’t on my bucket list.  Then I tried to host movies and lite-brites but it ended up just movies.  Could I be that wrong about the luster and appeal of lite-brites?

Lucas: How do you suppose Shane would say “Bucket?”
Me: I think he would pronounce it the same way.
Lucas: No, ya know.  Like how he says “Chuckens” for chicken.
Me: Ah yes.  Then definitely he’d call it “A-Drop-In” or some version of “Pail.”

(This, for anyone who knows Shane, can be your homework assignment.  And then, maybe if we are really lucky, he’ll answer the question for us.  I know! The excitement never ends!)

(PS: At least 2% of me is really kinda freakin’ out about this.)

Monday, January 3, 2011

Blizzard Breaks

Here’s the second dose.

 (After watching a 2 year old slip behind chairs at New Year’s Eve dinner and Jackie about to follow..)
Stacey: Jackie is F*cked.
Jackie: You didn’t think I could make it but you got BURNED.
Jackie then proceeded to entertain us with a standing up worm dance, while sucking in her nostrils and making ear fart noises.
Sean: She’s a mixture of you and Maureen.
Me: If you mean she’s funny like me and she can make ear farts like Maureen, then, YES.

Neighbor: Jackie told us the funniest story yesterday.
Stacey and Sean: Oh no.  This’ll be good.
Jackie:  My parents thought that I was going to be a boy.  I have a baby blanket with truck on it my room and Bailey and Morgan have cute pink ones.  They sent me home from the hospital in ripped jeans a Penn State sweatshirt. 
Stacey: That’s so not true. We don’t have a single thing in this house with a truck on it.

Maureen: And then I realized I had been Ice Skating for 2 hours with my big home phone in my pocket. 

Kevin: Ow! Ow! Ow! My underwear hurts b/c I sat too much!
Ordering at Wendy’s
Kevin: No, Chicken! Like the big fat blobs.
Mo: Nuggets?
Kevin: Yes.

(On our way to Newark)
Me: Look how pretty the sky is!
Momela: It’s not pretty, it’s smog.  We’re in NJ.

I asked my mom where her name came from and she said, “My mother had so many kids that she ran out of meaningful names and named me after a radio soap opera character. “

7 year old Morgan: I need to go to Michael’s.
Sean: Who is Michael?
Morgan:  No, I need to get needles and yarn to crochet.
Stacey: But no one in this house knows how to crochet.
Morgan: The lunch lady is teaching me.  We’re like this (crossed fingers.)
Morgan then got needles and yarn for Christmas and wanted to teach Stacey.  After 3 days of asking, Stacey finally agreed.  
Stacey: We’re just making one long string.  Aren’t we supposed to connect or go to the next row somehow?
Morgan: Oh I haven’t learned that yet.  That’s for after break.

Stacey sent a picture of herself to Sean Snow blowing the drive way to Sean at work.  He replied, “That’s one sexy wife!” and forwarded it to a co-worker.  He sent it to his wife saying, “This is what a REAL wife does.” And then he was surprised that he got in trouble.

Neighbor in a heavy polish accent to her husband: Where is your hat!? You need a Hat! Get in here and put on your hat!
Husband (turning to Stacey across the street while putting his hands up): I don’t have gloves either. J
Later Jeff came back outside to finish plowing 2 feet of snow.
Stacey:  You cannot plow 2 feet of snow in dress shoes! Go back inside and get some boots!
This same Belgian neighbor Jeff was over on New Years and had brought a bottle of organic cucumber vodka.  When Sean asked expressed that he didn’t know how one would go about drinking this particular alcohol, Jeff replied “What are you talking about? I had that stuff in my office and drank it every day.  Wait.  That doesn’t sound good.”  Thinking this was hilarious, I uploaded the photo and quote to facebook immediately.  I forgot to put who said the quote and was immediately corrected by BDug who told me that I had kept Peppermint Schnapps in my drawer at work.  Forgot about that—maybe I shouldn’t have judged Jeff so harshly. 

Maureen: I have done 100% more than I did yesterday.
Pat: So, what was the one thing you did today?

Maureen borrowed the snow blower after the blizzard and then when it ran out of gas she left it in the middle of our yard and then came to our door with icicles on her eyebrows and told me I had to fill it before finishing the driveway.  Later she called to apologize and say that she couldn’t breathe wha wha wha and that’s why she left it there.  Any little excuse I guess.

My mother had wanted me to watch this Masterpiece Theatre mystery.  When I came home for the Christmas party I watched ten minutes until I realized I had only slept for 2 hours and needed to take a nap.  So this most recent trip she said, “So are you going to watch this with me or are you still all I haven’t slept in 2 days wha wha wha?”

Apparently my sister tried to get me sneakers for Christmas that were blue and my nephew Kevin looked at her with both shock and derision and said, “MOM! You cannot buy those for Aunt Tiffany.” And then proceeded to pick out Pink sneakers and the pleaded and begged my sister until she bought the correct pair of shoes for me. 

On our way back from Jumpin’ Jakes Bouncy house in Newburgh my sister got angry with an overly cautious driver and then said, “Oh.  He’s from NJ that means he’s never been on the Taconic before” just before she passed him by.  (This I think might only be funny to people who have driven on the Taconic – but trust me, those of us whose first highway was the Taconic before they expanded the road knows that you need to man up or get run over.)

Speaking of New York drivers, I may have bragged to BDug (this is Brian Dugas’ official new name btw) that I, as a New Yorker, can handle snow better than the average bear.  Based on this proclamation, I can only hope that the guy driving this tow truck was originally from California:

The Blizzard was actually extremely inconvenient for me as my Uncle Donald died the day after Christmas and I spent 2 days on the phone and cruising the internet trying to get a flight down to Florida.  Several ladies at JetBlue were extremely happy to talk to me.  I told them that it was JetBlue’s master plan.  Put a girl on hold for 2 hours and she is THRILLED just to hear someone say hello.   Just as we had decided to get up at 2 am to brave the blustery east coast roads down to Florida, my cousin called to say she got my dad a flight.  Anyway, in honor of the late, great Donald O’Brien I’m going to share a story.   When he was very young he worked for the post office for a summer.  His daily routine included getting a donut and coffee and having a cigarette in between routes.  Someone caught him as he was performing this routine and said, “You can’t do that.  It’s totally against the rules.  I have to bring you in.”  My Uncle Donald shrugged and said, “All right” and followed the other guy up to the main offices.  As he was dragged into the Postmaster’s office, the Postmaster said, “Hey Don, how’s it going?” He replied, “I’m great.  How are you Aunt Mary?” Aunt Mary asked, “To what to I owe the pleasure?”  Immediately the guy let go of my Uncle Donald and said, “Oh we were just stopping by to say hello.”  And then my uncle went back to his donut and cigarette. 

We played Pictionary on Saturday.  When Jackie asked Sean for help with one of the clues he simply replied, “It is what it is.”  Stacey and I got really close to guess “White Men Can’t Jump” but didn’t quite get it.  Stacey drew a map of the U.S. and Sean proceeded to guess “Pennsylvania! Penn State! Nittany Lions! Hershey Park! Pittsburg! Liberty Bell!”  When the time ran out Stacey said,” Why did you keep saying Pennsylvania!?” Sean, “Because you drew Pennsylvania.” Stacey, “Well, it was Idaho!”

I got back from New York last night and decided that me getting home from Christmas break before the rest of the fam is bad luck as it was also the second time that I discovered a hissing noise only to find pipes flooding with water.  At least this time I knew what to do about it instead of running away and calling Pam. 

Stacey told me that Sean was going to start doing the P90X program… and diet and exercise program that requires you to be able to do 3 pull ups before you can even begin.  That’s right.  You need to train to train.  Maureen and I had worked out on Tuesday and then when she called on Wednesday to do it again I told her I didn’t want to, but I would be willing do a 12 minute workout in 25 minutes.  My mom started cracking up and said, “Did you just say you were going to do 12 minutes worth of exercise in 25 minutes?”  No…. 25 minutes later I did the P90X Ab ripper video with Maureen.  The boys tried to do it with us but basically just stared at us saying “How are you DOING that!?” At one point I was very impressed with Kevin for doing one of the moves until I realized he had a pillow behind him.  I texted Sean to tell him we did some P90X…. and next thing I know there was a wager between siblings.  Be prepared for me to be hungry and sweaty for the next 90 days people.  It is ON.   

Within the first 11 seconds of 2011 I dropped a glass. Within the first 11 minutes I dropped and shattered a second glass.  Please don’t let this be how the next 11 years are going to go.