Wednesday, April 24, 2013

Gnar Gnar

Last week was still pretty gross, but on Thursday, I met up with Becky for lunch and things finally started looking better, then I had  set back when I was forced to give Casper another bath Thursday night (YUCKS), but then finally on Friday everyone started feeling better and it was a lovely weekend.  So YAY!

I thought "Gnarly" was a good thing in the way that "Sick" and "BA" are good things.  So imagine my confusion when Lucas came home, pointed at a hole in his pants and said, "Check out my Gnar Gnar!"
Me: Did you already have a hole in those pants?
Lucas: Those were different.  This is new.  Look inside! It's a huge gnar gnar. 
Me: As in Gnarly? I thought that was a good thing.
Lucas: No, I mean yes, I can be, but this is Gnarly in the gross you just scraped yourself up in a skateboarding accident. 
Me: Oh man! Don't let Percy lick it!
Lucas:  It's okay.  That's his natural instinct, to clean the wound. 

On a different day:
Me: Was your phone "blowing up."
Lucas: What does THAT mean?
Me: You know what your phone is constantly ringing or getting text messages from someone?
Lucas: I've never heard that before. 
Me: Really? I think that's a pretty recent term - does this mean I'm still culturally "with it" even if I didn't know what gnar gnar meant?

Becky posted this picture of her cat with the note: It's unfortunate how adorable he is when he sleeps, because then I want to just rub my face in his belly and apparently he does not appreciate being woken that way...

Which goes perfectly with my picture of Percy saying, Aw ma! No pictures this early in the morning!

Me: I took a nap today and dreamt that I woke up to 2 feet of snow and the doors had opened and my room was completely covered in snow too.  I looked it up and this either means that I am burying my emotions or a clean slate.  I hope it's the clean slate.
Lucas: You're never burying your emotions. You're actually quite vocal.

On Saturday night we were "tearin' it up at crossroads mall" which to anyone who isn't familiar is more like a food court with some stores around it.   Jordan, Lucas, Becky, Jared and I went to game night at Uncle's Games now that Zach is the new event coordinator.  We played a couple of games, one of which I did not care for at all, but not enough that I'll publically slam it.  :) When we were finished playing and putting games together...

Me: Wait! If I leave this hear, won't Zach have to clean it up?
Zach: What?
Me: Nothing, I cleaned up the game.
Lucas: Don't worry.  I hid one piece where you'll never find it.
Me: And he's not telling you which game it was from.

Sunday night we got pizza at Guido's (not Uncle Ray though because he doesn't know WHO would order Italian style pizza. Um? Well, WE would Uncle Ray.  We are, actually.)  Then we took a little walk before going to see 42.  I am such a sucker for a sport related movies!

Lucas: Jackie Robinson wasn't very controversial.
Jordan: What? The whole story was him breaking social rules of baseball!
Lucas: Oh no sure, but you know how Babe Ruth was drinking and all over the place.
Me: So what you're saying is he was a wonderfully civilized gentleman and that made him...
Lucas: ... a little boring.  Yes. 


Thursday, April 18, 2013

Retro-update (AKA if you don't have anything nice to say....)

The only “News” I have for this week I guess is that Percy got neutered, Shorty (the ten pound Dachshund) has returned with my Uncle Ray and I watched a lot of the Office.

Percy with the cone of shame. Actually, it’s more like a deluxe pillow, because nothing but the best for my pup (I don’t think he appreciate it though.)

The vet told me I had to keep Percy calm with no activity.   Then they brought him out and he did his normal spazz out happy craze while I tried to hold him. 
Vet:  Whoa.  We’ve never seen a dog get that excited.
Me: What did you say about calm again?
Vet: Yeah, good luck with that.

Then I brought him home and the Fed Ex guy came to the door.  Percy, who has never done this ever, ran after the fed ex guy, wouldn’t listen to me, all the way up onto the main parkway.  I had to run in the middle of the road and stop a civic so that I could catch Percy and bring him back in.  I was not having “good luck with that.” 

On Sunday:
Me: Great. It’s raining and it’s sunny so we’re going to get a rainbow and even that won’t cheer me up.
Lucas: Look!  The rainbow!
Me: Ooooh it is beautiful.  Nope, I’m still miserable. 

I don’t have ANYTHING good to say this week because the reality is for the last 6 days I have been cleaning up dog vomit and diarrhea from Percy, Casper and Nala - all while having an ear infection myself.  As I assume no one wants me to go into the details of that, I have decided to go back into my way back machine and re-send some pre-blog stories.  

Originally Sent: Tue, 7 Mar 2006 09:55:39 -0800
Subject: Iron Chef Competition

So. here is your weekly dose of Tiffany.  J This is better than a blog!  Last weekend we decided to have an "Iron Chef" party for Jordan.  It was very last minute, and instead of food, we settled for a birthday cake making contest.  There were 3 teams of 4 which were selected using the soccer team selection method.  I had last pick-and thus I choose Dawne for her artistic ability, Heinz for his engineering skills-and well, Johnny was last pick.  We did a round robin selection of supplies-and after I loaded up with 10 cake mixes and as much frosting as possible-we headed down to our selected kitchen.  I gave my team a pep talk after shouting "START COOKING EVERYTHING!"  I discussed that I had chosen my team for a cake that looked amazing-that none of us could cook, let's just admit defeat in that particular category.  But could we make an amazing looking cake? YES! And by God were we going to do it!   I started throwing out Ideas of the statue of liberty (but as we failed in getting the pickles off the table that was going to be difficult) and got ideas back of volcanoes and pyramids-but I thought those weren't challenging enough.  I had ten boxes of cake mix and a bag of powdered sugar… the world was at our fingertips!   Finally Dawne suggested a naked woman would surely make the birthday boys (Jordan and Zach) happy.  But I didn't want it lying down---I wanted up right.  Sweet, sweet, Dawne, who is always trying to help me out, ran and got her mannequin that she used for shows-and I suggested we build a skirt cake, and decorate the mannequin with peach colored frosting and we could use strawberries for nipples. Oh it was going to be LOVELY!  While it took the other teams only a half an hour to bake their cakes, it took us over an hour (even with two ovens).  The other teams were peering into the house looking for clues of our cake but we didn't give anything away.  When we reconvened at the main house to play Pictionary and let the cakes cool-I was prepared for at least an hour and 15 minutes to decorate. but ALAS!  We would only have 30 minutes.  Dawne and I sprinted out the door and down the stairs.  She started throwing brownie at me as I tried to even out the bottom of the dish where the block of wood connected to a metal pole, and then finally would attach to the mannequin.  I thought this evening was key, but as the engineering and well… Johnny department had abandoned us. I lost focus on what seemed less important (a flat surface) and focused on making more icing.  (Erika had told me that icing=glue and what can't glue fix?)  Dawne proceeded to add layers until it came to the bunt cake, the key to it all.  Johnny had forgotten to flour the pan!  Dawne didn't know how to take out a bunt cake.  I wasn't paying attention.  Whatever the reason, it started to fall apart.  I didn't panic.  I grabbed a candy necklace, wrapped it around the bunt cake to secure it.  I refused to lose hope.  Even after the cake started drooping to one side (damn the block of wood) I refused to give up.  I quickly shoved a wooden spoon up against the side to hold it up (we could always cover it all with frosting.)  At this point Dawne and I are on the floor (well so was the cake in order to shield it from wandering eyes) covered in icing, laughing so hard we almost peed ourselves as I kept trying hopelessly to remedy the situation.  I had a whip cream and pudding concoction that I was positive could cover up everything and as I started to drizzle it with a spoon. Dawne went to go get a bag. "Cover the whole thing with a plastic bag!" she said.  A plastic bag?? This from the queen of artistic perfection??? A PLASTIC BAG!!  I couldn't do it. I kept trying to decorate with whip cream, pleading "I have to finish!" so Dawne helped by grabbing a heap of whip cream in her hand and slathering it upon the cake.  The rest of the project was finished like this until finally we placed the bag over the cake to hide our shame.  We covered the top with icing-but the strawberry nipples were too heavy and we had to settle for two small star shaped sprinkles.  We dragged the 30 lbs of cake (it really was heavy!) up to the main house to find our competition had completed the sweetest bunt cake I had ever seen and a gorgeous rendition of the Empire State building.  In the end, we had to show everyone our disgrace, and for your viewing pleasure I deliver to you, literally on a platter, my failure in the Iron Chef Birthday cake competition.

(PS  Diana, upon seeing the mannequin she searched high and low for, and paid more for than she wanted to, was appalled that we had done this whole project.  Please let me reassure you that we did cover everything in plastic, and it was clean and untouched when we were done.  Thanks for not killing us on the spot. :)

Originally Sent: Tuesday, February 21, 2006 11:05 AM
Subject: Tiffany the Textile Mule

On Sunday at around 2, I received call from my cousin Dawne who was in Vegas setting up for Pool and Magic (Fashion industry Show’s) for edoc.  She told me that they had not brought product for the show, and would I go pack up 4 of each style shirt and color and ship it to them.  By the time I drove back from Seattle it was 3.  I called every shipping place to confirm that everything was closed on Sunday, and then enlisted the aid of Matty and Rachel to help me pack all of these shirts.  At 4, I had received word that I was going to be on a plane leaving at 7:30 for Vegas to transport these garments to the show.  We searched high and low to find suitcases big enough to carry the cargo (Rachel tried to convince me I didn’t need to bring my own carry on)… at 5, everything was packed and I gave myself 15 minutes to take a shower, grab a toothbrush, clothes, and a Pop Tart.  We got everything in the car (lift with your knees!) and Matty helped me bring the suitcases to check in… and we weighed in at 80 lbs for one bag and 75 lbs for the second.  I didn’t weight my carry on, but it felt like at least 25 pounds.  I got in around 12, we slept at the MGM Grand—oh the memories J  --and then was up at 6:30 again.  I took lots of pictures of my day… the I-HOP for breakfast, Pool, the Wal-mart, the Target, the Radio Shack, Blueberry Hill for lunch (the worst ever… don’t go there…I don’t know how it’s been open since 1966) and I took a few shots of the booth as we were setting up for Magic.  (Random fact: did you know that the Motel 6 on the strip has the highest suicide rate in the country with up to 6 deaths per week? Moral: Don’t get a housekeeping job at Motel 6.)  On a great note, edoc looked fabulous at Pool—and was a “big fish” in a little pond.  They got a lot of sales on the first day, and had a lot of huge buyers interested including the owner of the Zebra Club.)  At Magic, edoc was small, but looking very cool.  They were very close to John Deere—which I thought was a good contrast. J  And then after dinner in Mandalay Place, I got to see the airport again.  I had a 10:30 flight, sitting next to 15 volley-ball national champions… (aaagh!)   And that, my friends, was my 24 hour trip to Vegas. 

Can’t wait to go back in two weeks to set up the booth for WizKids!

Originally Sent: Monday, January 09, 2006 2:00 PM
Subject: Forced Pout

So I woke up this morning (at 5:30 am for a three hour meeting before Jordan left for Asia) and my lips were swollen to nearly twice their size.  They are really quite painful.  I imagine that this is what botox would like—full and pouty only instead of feeling numb I have a constant feeling of ache.  This might be the direct result of the lip liner I used yesterday, but as soon as I felt the uncomfortable feeling, I scrubbed my lips clean.  I tried some chap stick that I found out later probably would make them worse than better—oh and I am on my second dose of Benadryl today—Jordan said that it looked like it was helping, but I think he was just trying to make me feel better.  Zach told me this morning not to worry about it that no one was going to be kissing me today.  I think that was just insult to injury though. 

(I’d like to think that after looking back on these emails from 7 years ago that my writing has gotten better.  If you don’t agree… maybe wait until next week to tell me.)

Hope to be chipper next week!

Wednesday, April 10, 2013

Oedipus Complex

Last week could be summarized by saying that Dawne and I tried to keep Percy away from Nala (he had an Oedipus complex happening all week - VERY focused) then we rounded out the week with our birthday's.  The end.  I *do* have a couple more details, though, if you're interested. 

(Lucas has made me very self-conscious about my use of the word "though" saying that the word is never necessary, thus American's over use it on a daily basis.  I just can't stop using it [though!] )

Lucas told Dawne that he wanted to put a skateboarding ramp in the basement to which she immediately said, "No." Never having heard this word from his mother he said, "Maybe you didn't understand what I said." Then he proceeded to show her pictures, and video's after every time she said, "No."  Undeterred, he found another location for his ramp which was built this weekend and is currently in the garage but will eventually find its way outside under the deck. The Micro Mini Quarter Pipe:

While we were in the Home Depot parking lot we saw Jordan talking to a guy with a little boy in his cart. 
Dawne: What did you say to him?
Jordan:  I just asked in what aisle he got the cute guy in the poncho.
Lucas: Did he say in the gardening section near the gnomes?
Jordan: No, he said, "returns."

A lot of people have been sick at work both last week and this. 
Me:  Stomach flu is the worst.
Ryan: There's no such thing as a stomach flu.  If you're getting sick like that it's probably food poisoning.
Me: Clearly you've never hung out with my nieces and nephews before.  It might be called the "flu".  I'm willing to call it "vomit day" if that makes you feel better, but it was definitely not food poisoning. 

On Friday, Becky, Dawne and new friend Amy, went to Paintings and Pairings.  Amy is my co-workers wife and from the couple of times that I've met her, or heard stories about her, I decided that we should be friends.  For example, she bought a bunch of frames, stuck random pictures into them, and put them on their mantle.  Then, when her in-laws came over, she told them they were of her family. "Oh yeah! That's Uncle Fred and that there is my niece Wanda."  It's been years now, and Tyler's parents still think those are pictures of her family.  Anyway, I haven't decided I wanted to make a new friend in a while, so I was a little nervous.  I figured that she fb friended me, which was the first step.  I told Tyler I was going to ask her to hang out and he just said, "If you convince her to get a Percy dog, I'll never forgive you."  Like I would.  :P  So I asked, she accepted and when I told my other co-worker Christy that I was hanging out with Amy she was all, "How did you ask? What did she say? Tell me everything!"  

So, Friday, we all go to Paintings and Pairings.  Becky made me this pretty epic birthday crown (at one point someone asked me what the sign said, and I looked behind me for a sign forgetting that I was wearing a crown that had a sign on it.  Doh.)   There were these 40-45 year old women also at P&P that arrived wasted.  We had two of the Kirkland Cougars at our table and seriously, they made Becky and I look TAME (not an easy feat.)  I thought they were awesome, even when the one chick was just walking around with a bottle of wine judging everyone else's work.  Dawne & Amy, who are actual artists, didn't really appreciate their lack of dedication.  At one point the lady said, "I'm pretty sure I'm going to keep adding paint until it looks like that Orca up there!" (We were making flowers, so all of us thought she said Orchid at first but then looked up to see the while on the wall.)   I personally flipped by canvas 90 degrees with every color that I applied so maybe I wasn't taking it as seriously as I could have.  Here are our master pieces:

Becky wanted to "sign" the wall too:

Stacey hooked me up with pictures from Easter (Thanks Stace!)  The chick costume was clearly a little big.  

When Becky was younger, her parents believed in having pets that they could also eat.  Hearing "Is this Chicken Little? She tastes great!"  They realized that maybe things had gone awry when Becky's little sister asked, "When are we going to eat Sam [their dog]?" 

Mo's BFF Do had been living down the street with her parents for a bit.  Not a week after they moved into their new house, Do's kids asked, "When are we going to have a sleepover at Nana and Pop Pop's?"  To which she said, "Maybe we could finish unpacking here before we go back and mess up the beds again." 

On Sunday, Percy had no regard for my birthday, waking me up way before I was ready (or maybe he was so excited that he wanted me to enjoy every WAKING moment of my birthday?)  D&J brought me a chocolate croissant and coffee, and I got to hang out talking on the phone for most of the day.  We then headed over to K9 Fun Zone where we had the pups run the agility course.  There were some things that Percy didn't want to do right away like the tunnel.  I paused for a moment to watch Casper do something cool.  This was when Percy, knowing I still had treats, looked at me like, "What do I need to do to get those treats?"  Then went through the tunnel and came back like, "Do I get a treat for that?"  He did this for many of the tricks which was kinda awesome.  When he started getting tired, Dawne picked up Nala and, being VERY focused on her this week, Percy ran around doing every obstacle because Dawne was carrying Nala above all of the obstacles.  All in all, an excellent first agility day.  

After that, we met friends, fam & there furry buds over at Norm's Eatery in Fremont (the bar that allows dogs.)  It was pretty crowded, but also awesome.  When Nala jumped down from the booth and Percy ran after her, as I was picking him up, Becky said, "Leave room for the Holy Spirit!"   Both Dawne and I got some really fun presents, but one of the silliest was Unicorn horns for the pups.

On our way home for Dawne's birthday dinner Lucas said, "You might remember this classic from the slow motion, ass-slapping scene from dazed and confused" before playing "No More Mr Nice Guy."

Thursday, April 4, 2013

Our Lady of Ossining

Nater was back from Chicago for spring break last week.   Such an impressive gent - he's been writing for the school paper and has become quite the political voice.  Here's a random story that he wrote:

Last week Lucas and Dawne were going "back to their roots" and doing the whole unleavened bread for Passover. 
Lucas: I've been pretty good.  I had some chicken nuggets - but that doesn't count. 
Dawne was doing much better, but insisted that she was just being supportive seeing as her Catholic roots haven't participated in the whole Passover thing since... well I think it started headed south after the Last Supper. 

Flew to NY on Thursday.  I had every intention of working for all 5 hours, but it was too stuffy on the plane and Percy refused to stay in his bag preferring the tray table or my shoulder instead.  This was fine until he woke up and jumped on the sleeping gentleman next to me... whoopsadaisy! I ended up having to work most of Friday, but was able to take a break a little Canasta and visit with Mo and Robin. 

Both Maureen and Doreen's kids went to practice with Mo last week.  They were way back in the field creating a bit of a fort when Caroline, the 5 year old said: We found this chair.  It's in PERFECT condition.
Mo: It's been laying outside for who knows how long.
Caroline: It's in PERFECT condition.
Mo: Keep it in the hide out, because it's NOT coming into my car.
Caroline: PERFECT condition. 

Oh! I'm not sure if I told you about the ten pound package I sent to my parents that I got charged $675 dollars for... but I DID get that resolved to my satisfaction.  Yay. 

Kevin gave me a special birthday present: an "I Love My Godmother" mug.  When I opened it he said, "Open it up! You have to look at what it says inside!" When I did, I saw one word, "Always."  Love that kid!

Saturday, Mo had her annual egg decorating party.  We took some time to have a mini-shower for Eva in which we gave her everything that she needed to entertain her baby.  Also, the fortune teller onsie revealed that Eva and Joe are having... drum roll please... a CRIMINAL MASTERMIND. :)

Evivova:  My friend from college is also having a boy at the same time I am.  She's already finished the baby room and the theme is: Broadway Glam.
Briana:  So Deb was pregnant last year at this party, Eva is pregnant this year, who's next?
Me: Pretty sure it's going to be you.
Briana: Well, if it is me, I'm putting those strips on my registry that test your breast milk for alcohol. 
This is the same girl who wanted $25 dollar gift cards to Home Depot for her Bridal Shower - so practical.  And like the gift cards, I'll be happy to get those for her.  :)

At one point Dara parked her car, quickly and at an angle, in Mo’s parking lot, then came out, carrying a wine bottle yelling, “Are any of my kids here?”  (They weren’t.)  We might have called her white trash at this point – well I didn’t, because I don’t know what my future will bring.  

Lisa:  When I texted “The twins were born!” I got a text back from Dara saying, “Who is this?”
Dara:  How was I supposed to know?
Lisa: We called each other all the time when we had season tickets to the Yankees.
Me:  And how many people do you know that are giving birth to twins?!

I don't know what made Percy decide at one point to just jump down and hang out with Bella.  He must have just known that she was calm enough for him.  Bella still wanted to play, however, so there was a lot of this going on:

Saturday evening I headed over to Sean's for Bailey's 15th birthday.  We decorated more eggs.  Pete and Marina (you may remember them from Oktoberfest 2011) were in town.  Marina is Brazilian and has never decorated eggs for Easter.  Who better than Sean to show her how it's done.  :)  

Jackie: Is this Christmas Music?
Stacey: No.  It's Nat King Cole - give it a little bit though, he does have a Christmas song on here...

Morgan:  Like a napkin.  A napkin that you throw in the trash and it gets all of the other trash on it.
I honestly, have no idea what this was in response to.  I didn't even know this information when she said it, but it caused her to fall into a fit of giggles for a good five minutes. 

I also had the pleasure of viewing some video's that my nieces made when they were 5 & 8.  They would probably be on youtube now if they hadn't repeated their home phone number throughout.   It starts out with Morgan saying "I am just a little girl, as you can see." Then she turns around for a moment, then turns back with fake breasts and says, "But now I'm a WOMAN." And then you can hear Jackie say that you too can have this great bod by calling 1 800 Boobs, or their home number.    They also point out the deluxe package by holding up the scoop parts of the plastic ice cream scoops that they have from their play set.  Classic. 

Carla, Stacey's sister, was telling me that she was going to renew her lease on her apartment. 
Jackie: Is your roommate still walking around naked?
Carla: Well, she tries to follow the apartment rules, but she doesn't like it.
Me: You have rules in your apartment?
Carla:  Just the one, you have to at a minimum wear your underwear in the common rooms.  She's working on it. 

I got Bails the Harry Potter movie scripts for her birthday.
Bails:  It says that you shouldn't open them.  Can I not open them?
Me: Only if you plan on reselling them.  Do you?
Bails: No.  (But then she immediately brought them upstairs to her room so that no one could touch them.)

A random video courtesy of Shana Deuex:

On Sunday, I found my Easter basket, and then we all went to church. 
Sean:  I wonder if anyone volunteers for the choir just so that they have a guaranteed seat.
Me: Did the priest just say "Our Lady of Ossining"? 
Frita: What?  You don't like that he just decided that he had the power to anoint sainthoods?

For Jackie's birthday, I got her Brass Cymbal's (to be used in the morning when the sound is the sweetest), finger cymbals, a belly dancing belt and... oh yeah, two racks of Ribs.  Random? Yes.  But I couldn't think of anything more perfect for Jackie O.  She was pretty stoked about being able to have ribs on Monday - AKA Pasta night.  She was opening up on of her other gifts when she announced, "Adorbs! That how you say adorable in Jackie." 

I can't even tell you how perfect Easter was.  My sister-in-law Stacy made an AMAZING dinner, and everyone was just happy to be together.  Well, except for maybe Suki, who did not appreciate another pup being around.  Good think Percy is faster.  I did have an outfit for Percy - but Stacey took that pic so I don't have it for you.   I do have one picture of 4 ladies celebrating, though:

I made my mom watch Hop on Sunday night while I got some work done.  *I* loved it.   While we were watching the news on Monday:

Me: I haven't seen John - wait which one is that?
Momela: Jim Belushi
Me: I haven't seen him in a while.
Momela: You probably haven't seen John either.

I hope you guys had a terrific week and I'll try to get the next update out closer to being on time next week.  :)