Wednesday, August 24, 2011

Two Days of Tiffany: Reality

I have been feeling guilty about the fact that there is no way I am going to be able to write anything on Monday, and my week is about to get hella busy starting tomorrow.  However, it's only been under two days since I last wrote you, so I am in a bit of a pickle.  Consider this, "Two Days of Tiffany: Reality."  Because, I have done nothing beyond going to the park and work - I hope you still think my average days are as entertaining as I do. 

In preparation for going to Universal/Disney next week with Sean & Stacey, I have been watching Disney movies and made a Disney Pandora Station.  I had a bit of a debate when Nate wanted to watch Howl's Moving Castle (Yes, I understand I had to link to a Disney site to show you what it was.)  After saying "I want to watch movies reminiscent of the parks." I, ever so hypocritically, watched The Three Musketeers  because my love for the movie and Oliver Platt is deep. 

Lucas: It's a good thing that they have the same uniform (musketeers and cardinals guards)
Me: Why?
Lucas: Because it’s more fair. Like at any time they could break into a game of touch football.

We followed it up by watching Beauty and the Beast.  Luke had an awful lot of comments throughout, SPOILER ALERT: when Gaston stabs the Beast "Aww! Why did he have to do THAT!?" and then when Gaston struck by lightning, "Good thing karma got him." 

We were picking up Lucas from his friend's house and when he got in the car he yelled out, "Okay - bye! Thanks! I love...I mean yea bye."

On our way to the grocery store:

Lucas shut off the radio, “Squirt squirt take your pants off? What is this filth? Shut it off." (I still don't know what country song it's from.)

Lucas: Remember that small crack this phone had when Zach gave it to me? Well I dropped it 2 inches onto the table and now look.
(A shattered screen was shown)
Me: Does it still work?
Lucas: Sure, but now it's the Halloween version. I better not use the mirror app - actually sometimes by itself it’s reflective enough to see my face and I get worried I'll have bad luck.

Lucas: Too much bass!
Me: You were the one who did that.
Lucas: The radio told me to turn up the bass turn up the treble. What could I do, but listen?

After telling Lucas that a hurricane was going to hit FL while I was there, he told me, "If it's going to be raining, you should really OWN it. Knee high yellow boots, yellow fisherman's hat and coat. Maybe a parachute on your back if the wind kicks up."

We basically filled an entire cart with beverages.  Clearly, we were thirsty, and are like 5 year olds when we shop.
Lucas: It says here that there are 35 cuties in this juice. Yes! Die! Lil cuties! Die! My friend Ethan hates fruit. He says he only drinks juice because it's chopped up fruit - which would have been funny if he had any understanding of comedic delivery. 

We were on the boat relaxing, when Luke picked up Nala, raised her up and started singing, "Nants ingonyama bagithi Baba!"

And I forgot, from my sister Maureen in reference to her two kids, "Today, Patrick comes up to me and asks "Where is Kevin?" I instinctively replied, "It's not my turn to watch him.", then realized actually it was my turn to watch him.

Also, I have been trying to help Jordan with his latest project Harebrained Schemes, but clearly I could be doing better because I had to see this from Mark Barrett yesterday: Crimson Steam Pirates

And finally, Shana's boyfriend Brett became my friend on Facebook, and we're still in our honeymoon phase where he still thinks I'm funny, instead of annoying.  I like it.  Anyway, after reading my update last week, Shana and Brett went to a concert in the park Monday night.  After words, I received the following text from Shana:

You've created a monster!! From Brett: sounds like ol thunderchest coulda used a couple of hottie handwarmers tonight!

I'm still giggling. 

Monday, August 22, 2011

Crazy Pre-Head Trauma

Zach: I can’t. I need to pack and Derek and Alexander are coming over.
Nate: That doesn’t sound like packing.
Lucas: Know what does sound like packing? Snacking.
Nate: I can see Tiffany mentally remembering this conversation. (So true, Nate.)

Zach, sitting in the living room with Derek and Alexander, mid-conversation, puts an airplane pillow around his neck (honestly, no idea where he was hiding it before then.) Derek: How’s that going? Gonna take a nap?

We had a company picnic on Thursday and I was explaining how I’m not memorable, and during the polite protests of this statement, THREE guys sat down at our table, all guys I had met before, and introduced themselves to me.  I know I like to be right, but sometimes the instant gratification isn’t worth the blow to my fragile ego. 

Thursday night, we went to see Les Miserables, which I have always wanted to see.  Maybe my expectations were too high because I was very aware of the fact that someone had tried to shove an epic novel into a play.   Before the play, I was meeting Laina and Rach for drink, but I got there early, and was going to grab a table at Purple, but it was totally packed.  The hostess suggested I grab a seat at the bar because there was a couple who was leaving shortly and I could grab those two for my friends.  I don’t know if you know this about me, but I despise saving seats for people, and I hate it even more when I’m telling 20 people they can’t sit down, and then I have to watch them staring at me as they stand by the door waiting for a free seat.  Knowing myself, I totally should have turned right around and went somewhere else, or even just waited outside would have been fine.  But, nooooo I had to try to test my limits and be a stronger person.  Only, I’m not a stronger person, and my limits are obvious.  So… Sorry Laina and Rach for being at the verge of tears when you showed up.

Becky: My office is so cold that I have a Hotties Handwarmer in each cup of my bra.

(Friday Morning)
Me: Okay guys.  Check ya later! Have a great day!
Lucas: Where are you going?
Me: Work.
Lucas: I thought it was Saturday.
Uncle Ray: I’m with you Luke.  I had no idea why she would be going to work on Saturday.

I had about 5 minutes on Friday when I thought I was going to a Weezer concert.  But then I told Laina, that if someone else, who is a bigger fan wanted to go, I would totally understand. 

me:  Plus I'm now listening to them on Youtube, which is the same thing.
Laina:  well, if you stand up and watch every video they've ever made, then yes, it's just about the same thing.
me:  I'll jump around a bit too, for extra measure. ooh and wrap pillows around me so that it feels like I'm crowded in a mosh pit!

Don’t you hate when you find yourself doing something completely ridiculous and dumb, and you have no way of stopping the events from unfolding?  Me too.  I went to lunch with this new friend, Kelly, at work (I say this so that you know that she isn’t even used to my normal ridiculous.)  We went to order, and I wanted a salad, but not one of those huge salads with the tostada bowls – I wanted more lettuce, less bread products.  So I saw that there were salads that were ¼ of the price of the tostada salads. I assumed the price was indicative of the size of the salad – and I figured I would circumvent the system by just getting two of these tiny salads and end up with a plate of lettuce.   Yea, as you can imagine, that is not what happened.  What happened was I got two big plates of food.   My first thought was, if I’m going to have two plates, I might as well have three, and when the guy wasn’t looking, I grabbed an extra plate.  Now, there I am sitting with my new friend, with massive amounts of food in front of me all for under 5 dollars, as I proceed to take just the salad/lettuce bits and put then on my contraband plate.  Ultimately, I ended up with what I wanted, but new friend thinks I’m a whack-a-doo.

 Evivova:  ha-ha.  you always had interesting eating habits.
 me:  and you never failed to judge me for them.
 Evivova:  Joe was eating a Kit Kat bar "weirdly" the other day and I told him how you would eat Reese’s and Lucky Charms and you would make your ice cream soupy too.
 me:  Yea because I wanted to eat the ice cream first and then the sprinkles and choc separately because if you mix the choc with the ice cream you turn the vanilla into choc ice cream.
 Evivova:  omg I did NOT know that was the reason!!
 me:  What did you think i was doing?
 Evivova:  I had no idea
 me: also, I like eating the choc first on the Reese’s, because I don't really love milk choc but I love the PB (it’s totally more sugary than normal pb)
They made a whole campaign about people eating Reese’s differently so I'm not alone. Kit Kats fall into wafer category and are much better if you eat it layer by layer.
 Evivova:  yeah, Joe was eating the choc off the Kit Kat and leaving the wafer for last I was like what the heck is happening here?
 Me:  did he split the wafer?
 Evivova:  I couldn't even look.
 Me:  You have to eat the choc around it to split the wafer.
 Evivova:  It took me 2 seconds to eat mine.. and he was still at it like 2 min later.
 Me:  There's just no other way-- see that’s the point---you enjoy it for longer -- it’s a whole project.
 Evivova:  "no other way"  ha-ha  crunch crunch I’m done.
 Me:  no there’s no other way to split the wafer without eating the choc first. also, snickers, I think taste better if you separate the nougat from the caramel / peanuts it’s like TWO candy bars then. I guess you could do it with a knife if you had one handy but I never do.
 Evivova:  omg ha-ha
 Me:  lucky charms, the marshmallows taste better soaked, so it’s just natural you would eat the healthy bits first.
 Evivova:  but then the milk turns pink  "just natural"
 Me:  it will turn green actually no matter how you eat them.
 Evivova:  you are full of info.  are you sure its green? i thought the balloons would make it pink.
 Me:  I'm just trying to enlighten you.   and yes, I had lucky charms for breakfast.
 Evivova:  I guess these are things I never learned.. just eating things blind like I do.

Kelly, despite my weirdness, still wanted me to go to happy hour on Friday with her and a bunch of work people for a farewell to a person I had never met before.  Gotta love those quick “Hi! Bye’s!”  A VP from Pokemon walked in, and I waved wildly at him, (yes he remembered me) but then I remembered I was wearing my “Caught ‘em All Shirt.”  What are the chances?  Also, I met this other guy on one of my first days here, and after the meeting, I asked him if he was from the east coast.  When he asked how I knew that, I said it was because he was wearing a watch.  At the bar, months later, he showed me his wrist, watch free.  Who knew I could get someone to abandon their roots so easily!  On our way back to the car, Kelly unwrapped a mint and announced that she was just going to throw it on the ground. (When we were little, Evivova would do this to me all the time.  She would announce that she was leaving her trash in a park, KNOWING that I run back and pick it up.)  Before I had a chance to go pick up Kelly’s trash, a father turned to the 2 year old in his arms and said, “Do you see that?  That’s LITTERING. Only bad people litter.”  Then at he looked at me and laughed – which made me laugh… the entire time that I was walking around the car to pick up the wrapper (and yes, it had fallen under my car—which only made the guy laugh harder.)

After Happy Hour, Becky came over and we totally had a midnight swim.  Okay, it wasn’t midnight when she came over, but it definitely was by the time she left. 

Saturday morning, Uncle Ray asked Lucas how his night was, but he was almost giggling (if Uncle Ray giggled) when he asked.
Lucas: Fine…why?
Uncle Ray:  You came into our room from the outside door, asking where your mom was. Grandma said you were sleep walking, but I didn’t think you were.
Lucas: Def. sleep walking.  I don’t remember that at all. At least I had clothes on, right?
Me and Jordan simultaneously: RIGHT!?

Then Luke and I took the dog to the dog park, where Nala (the 3 pound Yorkie) got stepped on by a Great Dane.  I honestly don’t know how she survived, but when I picked her up, the Great Dane came over to me, and I swear, if he could talk, he would have said, “I’m real sorry, ma’am.  I didn’t even know they made living things that small until I heard her yelp.  Forgive me?” 

Frita called me also to tell me that when he was on the boat with Sean and Stacey and the girls (on the Hudson) the girls were asking to swim and Stacey said, “You have to wait until we get to the nuclear power plant.”  And she was dead serious.  My dad was laughing, but it really is warmer and calmer over there… plus, as my dad mentioned, it’s easier to see the kids because they glow. 

Shane, Cathy, & Matty came over to hang out in the pool/lake later that afternoon which was pretty sweet (really that we were finally getting a couple summer days.)  But I had to jump ship early to meet people for dinner and Conan the Barbarian.  Before I left Jordan said, “Say Hi! to Thunder chest for me.” And I had to pause because the first thing I thought of was, “Is that a new nick name for one of my friends? Because Shana isn’t going tonight.”

When we were buying the tickets a kid was clutching an iPhone.
Crying kid: I dropped it!
Dad: But I told you not to drop it.
And obviously, that always prevents accidents.

Conan, was of course, very bloody.  So, when my roommate from college, who passes out at the idea of blood, told me yesterday that she has shingles, I told her it would be to her advantage to see the movie and get two hours of unconscious bliss. 

 Speaking of accidents, on Sunday, when I was getting ready to go to the dog park for round two, I put sunglasses on top of my head.  Then I went to put the dog in the back seat, and I guess I have good judgment of where my head is without sunglasses but not with, because I totally rammed the sunglasses into my head.  I am telling you this story, because 24 hours later, it still hurts.  Right now.  Without touching it.  Very unfortunate.  And I can’t even see the damage (maybe that’s better?)

That might be it for my stories (though you did get to learn a lot more about the inner workings of me today—not sure if that’s a good thing.)  Sunday was pretty lazy.  Laundry, Boat, Reading – kind of perfect actually.  J   

Monday, August 15, 2011

Jamie's Jam

We went to the dog park on Monday, and I got a call from Raymond.  15 minutes later, I found out he was calling from the dog park. 

Ray (to Luke): I think your account is spamming my newsfeed. It keeps posting videos.
Me: Luke just likes to post random videos.
Luke: I don't know if I should be insulted that Ray thinks my posts are Spam.
Me: Oh, you should definitely be insulted.

When we got home, Lucas got a phone call.  When he hung up he turned to me:
Luke: Everyone wants to hang out with me.
Me: It's hard to be the king
Luke: I know.
Me: Wait, who wants to hang out with you other than Evron?
Luke: No one. It’s just Evron - Every. Day.

Me: My phone's lock button no longer works.  It's going to be like 1999 with pocket dialing -- only now it will be pocket emailing and facebooking too.
Lucas: They had cell phones in 1999? 
Me: Okay fine, 2002 - I mean they did have cell phones in 99 but they didn't really fit in your pocket.

We have had some issues with Applebee’s, in that it takes 5 times longer than it should to eat there.  I saw that they had remodeled (turns out, they just made the inside less interesting – which definitely a way to go) so we decided to give the place another whirl.  After the announcement of dining choice was made, everyone scrambled to get their iPads.  On my way up the stairs to get mine, Luke was coming down with his DS.

Me: It’s ridiculous that we're bringing games to Applebee’s.
Luke: It’s ridiculous that we are going to Applebee’s.

Over all, with a combination of electronics and a trivial pursuit knock off that someone got free at Gen Con, the experience on a whole was terrific (though we did ask Jordan to stop reading the questions once he was in the car driving us home.)   He acquiesced, albeit grudgingly.

On Thursday, Dawne and Jordan went to the Premiere of Conan the Barbarian.  When Dawne arrived, she pulled an embarrassing mom move as she yelled, with arms waving excitedly, “FRED!! FRED!! HEY FRED!!” who was clearly in discussions with important Hollywood types (as “important” as a Hollywood type gets – important to Fred, I’m sure.)  I guess she knows her friends, because he turned around and with arms waving yelled, “DAWNE!”   My third question (first two were “How are Fred and Jay and what were they wearing?”) when they got back was:

Me: Did you see Lisa Bonet?
D&J: Who?
Me: Denise Huxtable!?
Jordan: Oh, that’s who that was…
Me: *Sigh.*

Saturday morning, we all got up, had coffee/breakfast outside. 

Lucas: I’ve been thinking about it, and I have a plan.
Me: A plan?
Lucas: Yea.  If I ever get some mental disease like Schizophrenia or whatever, I’ll be totally fine because I have all of you to take care of me.
Me: I’m not sure if you can call that a “plan.” Also, the problem here is that you’re younger than all of us, and you’re kind of supposed to take care of us. 
Lucas: Yea, but why would you want a crazy guy taking care of you?

Lucas and I had painted on tiny canvases, using tiny easels and tiny tubes of paint earlier in the week, and while he was quickly finishing one of his paintings, I decided to do a quick painting.  Dawne also wanted to paint, but didn’t get the “quick” memo – so we might have used up our sun time on the deck.  (Who knew we were only going to get an hour and half of nice weather – I mean other than that is.)  We got our suits on and headed down to the boat.  Luke and I were ahead of the group, and when we got down towards the pool Lucas said, “That's a bad omen, a headless bird. Oh and now a dead rat! Disgusting. We should have a hunt of small dead animals.”  And, THEN, we went on the boat (toting a plethora of blankets for all of us).  We might as well have had a bubble over our heads that said, “We WILL enjoy our summer!” 

After that, we put the tops down on the cool cars (heat blasting – enjoying summer!) and went to XXX, ate food that was not good for us, then dropped Luke off at the Redmond skate park, got coffee, stopped at the Pet Store, and then picked Luke back up before the going to the dog park.

Me: How was it?
Lucas: It was okay. I got called “knee pads”. And, there was a BMXer who jumped over me while I was putting the pads on.

Saturday night we wanted to do something “Vacation Like” so we went to South Center Mall (livin’ large!)  This was after I thoroughly disappointed Derek (Zach’s BFF) by telling him that while his idea was quite good, I would never ever use it because I think talking to strangers is a lot of work. 

Derek: Okay, so what if there was an old guy who said…
Zach: that he really liked young boys?
Luke: Does he also have candy? I do like candy.

Anyway, we went to down to South Center, went shopping, got dinner (It was like we were in Universal without the rides!) and then saw 30 Minutes or Less.  Review: I thought it was hilarious, but wouldn’t recommend it to a friend.  I’m too easily entertained to ever review anything. 

Sunday, I got up, ran to the store to get ½ and ½ so I could make mac and cheese, but took Lucas so, an hour later we finally made it home.  They went to the renaissance fair, while I stayed up cooking for the baby shower.  Here are some of the highlights:

We decorated onesies (did you know that Onesies is a registered trademark of Gerber? I know.  Me neither.)  I made one with an elephant that said, “Please don’t Ignore Me.” And one that just said, “Dear Mommy, Will I grow up to be as pretty and funny as your friend Tiffany?” I imagine she’ll wear this home from the hospital.  Jen also made a hilarious shirt:

We all got to chill on Laina’s deck (See us chill?)

Me: I don't believe in...
Jen: Accommodating others?
Me: Yes!
Jen: That's why we're friends.

Jamie: Those silicone bowls are amazing!
Rach: The only silicone he'll ever enjoy.

I forgot to read the invitation, so I didn’t know that not only was the baby a girl, but also named Chloe.  Apparently, Shana made sure those who brought gender neutral presents were segregated:

(Mine is the one that says “FOR A BABY”)

Jen made another beautiful cake that I was more than happy to volunteer to cut up.  As I was dicing the decorative delight:

Jen: It's filled with Jamie's Jam.
Laina: That's what she said. 

Rach: No woman has ever said that!
Laina: Sorry, that's what HE said. 

Shana wanted to make sure that I told you about a rather explicit conversation that involved semen recipes and free range breast milk, but honestly the moment the conversation started, I knew I was never going to repeat it, so I didn’t listen as carefully as my friends like me to.  Shana did supply a link though, for anyone interested in bringing up the discussion at the next baby shower they go to… (I’m have no doubt you’ll be able to fill in the blanks.) 

Lucas: I wish they would riot here so I could get some cool stuff at Guitar Hero.

Last weekend additions:

Jen took Lily to see the SeaFair activities including the Hydroplanes.  Lily, the 4 year old, reacted to this site with, “That was F***ing crazy!” I think Jen was torn between correcting her, and congratulation her on using the term properly.

Maureen: Do I look as young as Aunt Tiffany?
Kevin: No.
Maureen: How old do I look?
Kevin: 6 years older.
Kyle: 4 years older, Mommy.
That’s somethin’.

My mom really loves the Go the F*** to Sleep book. or hear it read by Samuel L. Jackson

 Anyway, it’s in the car in case she wants to show it to someone.  Before the party last weekend, one of the bridesmaids was sitting next to my sister in the car and Maureen handed the book to the school teacher bridesmaid and she said, “Go the… fock? Go the… folk?  OH! I…I…I’m not sure if I would read this to children.”

Neighbor: I didn’t get a chance to mow the lawn down by the lake.
Maureen: That’s okay.  I’ll go down and do it now.
Neighbor: I can do it tomorrow.
Maureen: It’s not a problem.  I’ll throw the lawn mower in the car and just run down and do it.
Neighbor:  But you're a woman.
Maureen: Hear me roar!