Sunday, June 12, 2011

Perfection From the First Wink.

Finally, we’re getting to the Vegas update.  As I told Jen, I don’t believe in the old “What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas.” In fact, I like to take notes.  Basically, I had a weekend of perfection.  I did feel guilty about leaving work early on my first Friday so it took the entire drive to Shana’s to shake the guilt off… THEN it was perfection.  Seriously.  Perfection from the first wink.  Literally.  We were in the airport and a woman came up to ask about the flight and I said, “We are waiting for the Pilot (Insert wink) to get here.” And she instantly replied, “Then I’ll go finish my (insert wink here) gigantic margarita.”  I don’t know why I winked, but we were instantaneous friends with the married woman from then on.

In the plane, we asked someone to switch seats with Shana.  She hesitated, but right before the plane took off she said she would switch.  After thanking her, I said, “Wait, wait, wait! I have something for you.” Then I put my book down and gave her a slow clap.

While Shana was sleeping, Rach noticed that the nail polish that Shana had asked her to hold on to, was never closed properly, and leaked all over her Coach purse.  As we were trying to rectify the situation, three airline attendants came running towards us to tell us we couldn’t paint our nails.  “Thanks, now can you get us some extra napkins?” that combined with a spilled beer, we might just have gotten our money’s worth in paper products. 

I should back up.  Before we left for Vegas I learned that Rach’s boyfriend, who had never been to Vegas asked her if she was going to have time for a hike while she was there.  And Shana’s boyfriend made a request, “If you get married, I better like him!” Those guys. 

Friday night, there was a woman in this hot gold shiny dress which when I saw her, stopped dead in my tracks and exclaimed “oooh wow pretty” and then Rachel slow clapped her.  An hour later, I saw her in a bar and told her how awesome her dress was and I also said, “Rach gave you a slow clap and you didn't even notice.” I guess her outfit was too loud to hear it.

Within an hour of being in Vegas, Shana had met a new gay and gotten all the dirt on the hotel, where to eat, drink and an offer for free facials.  Classic Shana. 

We stopped at this new bar, enticed by free drinks.  Rach, told me “The night is young! Enjoy your free drink and scope out the ... one guy.” So naturally, I posted this on face book and Becky responded, “My one guy just proposed to sweep me off to bed when he spotted me wearing a hair net. I guess after 9 years of marriage, a hair net is the only see-through piece of clothing I've worn in a while.”

We lost Shana & Jenna around a little bit before midnight. While Rach ran to the bathroom, I chatted up a security guard to find out where Caesar’s Palace was so we could go hunt down Carla.  I had to cut the conversation short because I realized that it was already 12:04, and therefore Rachel’s birthday.  I quickly ran into the bathroom yelling “HAPPY BIRTHDAY!! You already missed 4 minutes!”  Rach was wearing very hot red high heels, which as the night went on got a bit hurty, so I offered to trade shoes (effectively shoving my 9 ½ feet into size 7 ½ shoes.)  25 minutes later, I stopped and gave them back to her.  When we got to CP, Carla had already left for the Wynn, so we got a drink and got on the first line we saw. 

On seeing a statue outside Caesars Palace, Rach said,” Heeeeaaay! I know you. You're David. I recognize you from your nether regions.”

Yadda yadda had fun, met some people, etc… and then got back to room around 4 am and naturally had a giggle fest.  As far as I can tell this is what I thought was so funny:

Me: What should I do with these pillows?
Rach: Throw them on the floor
Me: But they're free!

Rach: Remember that time we each spent 20 bucks to get in and 8 bucks for water?

Me: It’s not you it’s me and a little bit of you ( I don’t know why I said this to Rach, but clearly I thought I was hilarious. Alcohol will do that.)

We got up at around 10 on Saturday to head over to Hard Rock for our spa day.  While we were in the cab I mentioned to the girls that I was going to need to get some aspirin when we got to the hotel.  Our cab driver responded saying that he had something for me and then proceeded to take out a bottle with a multitude of pills.  He poured some out and said to me, “Not the blue ones.  Those are my blood pressure medicine.”  

Four hours later:
Me: I need to find that cabbie I think the pills are wearing off.
Rach: What did he give you?
Me: I don't know they were orange.
Rach: I was going to tell you not to take them..
Me: but before you could speak I had shoved them into my mouth and washed them down with a caramel latte?
Me: I think my brain is bigger than my skull.  Is it possible that I got smarter last night?
Dr. Rach: No. Definitely, not.  You just took random pills from a stranger.

In response to Shana telling me to “Watch it. I could take you” I said, “Sometimes I go too far and that’s what apologies are for.”

I went across the hall from the spa to get a pedicure in my robe, which made me a little uncomfortable, until one chick said “Girls walk around in thongs, frankly, you are over dressed.”  I had to sheepishly explain to the pedicure chick why my toes were bruised and scraped up—but she made them much better.  And, it turned out that, she grew up in the town next to my hometown, her best friend Sue Tacera, graduated a year before my brother from Lakeland, and had worked at the JV Mall.  Small World. 

Meanwhile, Shana had her own chat and had found out that the weekend before there was a brawl between all these rappers that I don’t know and “Rehab” the bar/pool that we were at had been covered in blood. 

I came back to the spa, and everyone was already ready to go out to the pool, so I rushed to get ready and when everyone headed out, I turned to the chick next to me and said, “My friends left me so I'm just going to talk to you.”

When we were outside in the sun, I took out my shirt, folded it so you could read the “Wyoming, who cares?” and put it over my face so I wouldn’t burn.  Rach responded, “Nice.  Maybe if you’re lucky, you’ll offend someone.”

The Hard Rock Spa, “Vanity”, was elegant, decadent and serene.  Everything you could ask for in a spa. We decided to shower after a long day of pampering and sunshine, and while in the shower or tranquility, I yelled, “Rach! Can you hear me? Are you here?” When I got an affirmative, Shana and I launched into a beautiful rendition of Happy Birthday at the top of our lungs… the acoustics in there were AMAZING.

We went out for dinner that evening before seeing Garth.  While we were waiting for a table, Shana met some guy who is bff’s with Garth, and Rach and I gave/gambled 20 bucks because I thought the chick manning the table looked bored.  Dinner was incredible and our waiter was a delight.    

Shana: Where are you from?
Waiter: I am from Lebanon and I'm not a terrorist and I don't have any bombs on me (while his hand was raised to God.)

And I have no idea why this was proper dinner conversation, but Rach also explained, “I love my bladder irritants.”

Then, we went to go see Garth.  He was amazing.  Best. Show.  Ever.  No seat was more than 70 feet from him and it was just Garth and a guitar telling stories, chatting, singing everything from Jim Croce to George Jones.  He would be playing Bob Segar, then say “Then I threw some country on top of that.” And started right into playing “Thunder Rolls.”  He was hilarious and charming.  Garth told us about meeting James Taylor, saying, “and at that point, I peed myself.”  He invited Trisha Yearwood on stage and she thanked us for letting him play because “he’s been doing this show in our living room for the last 2 years and it was pathetic.” They invited a young 17 year old on stage and Garth asked, “Do you know any Garth Brooks?” and then she tried her best to sing “Friends in Low Places.”  He played for an hour longer than the first show saying, “I understand if you have some where to go, go ahead, I’m just going to play.”  When we sang The River, the man CRIED and gave us a slow clap. Honestly, I cannot talk enough about this—but I’ll stop b/c I have more stories to tell… J

Then, Shana got sick and Jenna took her back to the hotel.  Rach and I proceeded to go to a club and find my sister-in-law’s sister Carla and her friends.  We also found a this 60? Year old woman with an incredible body working a pole like I have never seen a pole worked.  She had short shorts and a loose top that was less than supportive.  As Rach said,”She's not gonna let a little slip of the nip slow her down.” But her exposure did force the bouncers to ask her to stop.  Before she did though, I snapped a shot, tagged Carla, and sent it to my brother with a note saying, “Hanging out with your sister-in-law!” to which Sean responded, “Man, that P90X is really working for her!”

We met some guys, or rather my friends met some guys, and we drank a bit, closed down the club, and headed into the casino part of the Wynn.  I was left at a bar with a pair of shoes and some purses, and started chatting with the people around me as I waited for various people to return (like a home base if you will.)  It was there that I met a hilariously sarcastic fella named Chris.  Before I knew it, it was 6:30 am and the sun was out.  We declined the classy request of, “Just give me 15 minutes with her” and sent Carla and Sharon in a cab back to their hotel.  By the time we got back to our room, it was 7 am.  We tried to be quiet by giggling in the bathroom, but apparently that made the giggles 4 times louder.  So, we grabbed our swim suits and went to go to the pool. Before leaving:

Me: I met my soul mate, Winnipeg Chris!
Shana: One Bang Chris?
Me: Winnipeg Chris!
Shana: Too late.  I heard One Bang Chris.  That’s his name. 

Luckily, I had already chatted up the security guard on Friday, so I, ever so sweetly said, “Darren from Hawaii!! Will you please open up the pool so our giggles don’t keep our friends up?”  And he did.  We tried to get in the pool, but after 5 minutes I told Rach we needed to get out before I fell asleep and drowned.  I couldn’t get to sleep (damn those free capt. and cokes!) so I called my mom while Rach dozed.

Me: I haven’t gone to sleep yet!!
Momela: I’ve never been so proud of you.  Don’t get sick.

Eventually, we all showered, packed, ate, and went over to the new Vdara hotel to meet up with Shana’s friend Stefan. 

Shana: I love this hotel!!
Me: Why don’t you marry it?
Shana: I just might, if Brett likes it that is.

We then proceeded to spend the day in the sun in a swank cabana and private pool area.  I told Stefan (who is originally from Munich) about all the German phrases I know.  

Me: I also know how to say “Ich mus mal.” (“I need to pee” in German.)
Stefan: That's necessary
Rach: Only if you want friends.

 Okay, that’s basically what happened in Vegas.  You can find my pictures posted here: 

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