Gore-Met

I know there are TSA jokes out there, but I’m going to focus on the real news:

 Last week Nala got sick and curled up on me… which was totally sweet until she threw up on me.  I took her outside, but when we got back inside she just wanted to curl up again.  And as she was resting with her face on my chest, smelling considerably like vomit, I learned that she has also curled up into my heart as well. Probecita.

T O’B: How do you not know what final exam you’re taking tomorrow?

Lucas: Because I’m extremely irresponsible, Tufts. 

We had this licensing summit at work and being left without introduction into a group of 6 licensors, wine in hand, it was no wonder I ended up telling stories (which is just my natural fallback position.)  Then this group from Viz Media, who were all my age, whispered “You know that we are all wired and the recordings of this conversation will be brought back to the office.”  To which, after a quick review of what I had been saying, I replied, “I guess 3 weeks at Pokémon was a good run all things considered.”  (No Becky, I did not tell the Rape Circle Story, even though it is a damn fine story.)

I am no efficiency expert but when I received and email requesting that I email someone else to give me a file so that I could then upload it to a public folder and email the original person with a link to said file, I thought that perhaps, I wish I was an efficiency expert. I also looked around to see if I had accidently fell into a Dilbert Cartoon. 

A week ago, Luke came home on a Saturday morning completely panicked by the overwhelming about of things on his To Do List.  When I asked him what he had on the list he said “I have to write a song, but that will take me 10 minutes.  The real panic issue is that there are less than 40 days until Christmas and I still haven’t gotten my Christmas List done.  I started it in Word, but I still need to finish it and put together my power point presentation!”

 Jordan woke up last week and immediately said, “THREE MORE DAYS!”  As in three more days until Nate comes home and takes care of his dog again.  This may or may not have something to do with early morning wake up calls and the fact that Casper turned his blackberry into a chew toy. 

Becky called her Dad last week to say, “I have something really important to tell you.”  Becky’s Dad, “We’re at a church function, but if it’s really important I can step out.”  Becky, “It’s okay.  Just call me back as soon as you can.”  Becky’s Dad a lil later, “Okay, what is it? Are you okay?”  Becky,” You would think after 29 years you would know that when I say I have something really important to tell you, what I really mean is I just have something to say.  I just wanted you to know that Christmas Music started PLAYING ON THE RADIO!!”

 The lights in the offices at Pokémon are motion censored and on Thursday the VP that is next to me stopped moving for so long his lights went out. 

Nate: Your lab report reads like a captain underpants book.

Lucas: David Pilkey’s work was excellent.

I was supposed to go to this Paint Ball Birthday Party on Saturday (I joked around about wearing a prom dress to this event and then all of a sudden formal wear became mandatory.)  As I was trying to figure out how I was going to fit padding and a snow suit under a prom dress, I got an email saying that the weather on November 20 was going to be too cold so the event was canceled, followed by 4 possible dates in December.  Yes, b/c it I hear it will be much warmer in December.  This postponement did, however, allow me enough time to realize that I am too disabled to bowl, forget about running around in a paint ball situation—pair that situation to the reality that I bruise like a peach and you get one Tiffany meeting her friends, in her formal wear, at the bar.  I’m a problem solver. 

I picked up Nala the other day, and she immediately climbed up to sit on my shoulder.  Lucas, observing this, said,”She is like a parrot if you were a Pirate. Speaking of which there is a prosthetic store next to my school.” 

Maureen and Little Patrick were talking about Jesus’ relationship to Joseph and the Birth of Christ and then Patrick finished up the conversation saying, “then cookie monster came in and gobbled up all the cookies!" To which Maureen replied, “Yes, that's exactly what happened."

It got pretty windy in NY last week and all of the leaves in my parent’s yard got blown over to my sister’s yard.  My father called his son-in-law and left a message saying, “Hey Pat, could you send our leaves back? Thanks.”  (In case anyone was wondering where I get my wonderful personality from, now you know.) 

Lucas wanted something for dinner that wasn’t wheat and wasn’t meat.  After not being satisfied with any of the non-meat, non-wheat options, he caved and said he would just make some crepes.  He put the eggs in a bowl, added some vanilla and then went into the pantry for flour (and due to the fact that I chucked all of the flour) we only had a tiny bit left.  He tossed it in and then tried to “make do” only as he poured the first crepe he was wary of the results and made me try it, and sure enough it was vanilla flavored egg.  So we opened a bag of “Waffle and Pancake Mix.”  (That day, Luke’s French teacher asked him if he lived on a farm after hearing his butchery of the French Language.  Luke was worried about whether or not he had insulted individuals who might have actually lived on a farm.  So naturally, when we saw the waffle mix and Luke said, “I don’t know.  It looks fancy.  I don’t trust it.” I said, “Just because its Gore-Met, doesn’t mean it isn’t edible.” I think I spoke too soon.)  Turns out that, ironically, that even though Luke had caved on the “No Wheat Dinner” the pancakes were in fact Gluten, Wheat, Egg, Sugar and a host of other things Free.  Don’t worry, I used Joey’s rub belly accompanied by “mmmmm good!” acting skills. 

Matty had a birthday party on Friday night where we all dressed as Matty

Super fun with the exception of feeling like I had accidently walked into a frat party as a couple of terribly drunk guys decided to get really personal while trying to put a sentence together but only accomplishing “Beer?” “Girl.”  “Submarine.”  Ashley had some cupcakes made (but not by Jen Clark, as she said they looked lovely, but if she had made them certain aspects of the decorations would have been bigger.) 

As we were walking into the darkened alley way outside of the bar, Dawne says “This is cool!”  Me, “This is COOL?” Dawne, “Okay.  Weird. Ya know.  It’s like one of those places that you come outside, all by yourself, late at night  and then you can die.”

Becky told me that she really enjoys irony.  That’s why she likes to take her coffee into the bathroom and sip her coffee while she’s peeing.  It makes her laugh… which makes her pee a lil more. 

I badgered Jordan about Harry Potter telling him that I simply could not wait to be disappointed when the epic tale was interrupted 1/2 way through leaving me hanging for months on end.  We went to see it on Sunday night, and since I can’t stop complaining about this, how in the WORLD are they going to find Ravenclaw’s tiara given that in previous movies they changed the story so that Harry has his eyes closed in the room of requirement as Ginny hides the Potions book!? 

I’ve decided to put together a Christmas Wish List of things that if money and space were not an option, and I enjoyed wasting both on ridiculous things, this is what I would want this Christmas. 

Or…

Do you see a pattern here?

And lastly, we were supposed to make pies with Rach last night, but due to the snow and ice she couldn’t make it to the eastside.  I was in the kitchen trying to reason that we didn’t need dessert at Thanksgiving, when I gave up and Luke and I went to the grocery store.  Seeing many cars slip and slide on the road, I questioned the intelligence of our decision.  On our way back though, Luke and I seriously contemplated putting the top down so it would be like sleigh riding (but I was worried about the snow on my leather seats) so we just put all the windows down and he stuck his head out of the car.  Same difference.  I ended up making 6 pies while watching a Christmas movie feature Melissa Joan Hart and Mario Lopez.  Some of the butter might have leaked onto the bottom of the oven which caused to the kitchen to fill with smoke… and so every time anyone walked into the Kitchen Dawne would yell “Tiffany’s cooking!” so she doesn’t get any credit for making pies despite all of her hard work.  And because I didn’t use any recipes or instructions making any of the pies, I might not take credit for them either. 

Happy Thanksgiving All!

Gayby Not Scabies

 Luke and I went to Tuesday Morning’s this weekend to pick up some Christmas wrapping paper (I totally wrapped and put presents in a box to be shipped yesterday.  You can’t see me but I am actually patting my own back right now.)  As we were walking in, Luke told me that there were these epic flannel sheets that he saw last time he was there but his mom wouldn’t let him get them.  This didn’t sound like the Dawne I knew.  He then told me that the sheets were for a queen sized bed, but they were so incredibly awesome that he was going to cut them and then re-sew them to fit his twin bed.  He darted right to the sheet section to show me these glorious linens. 

 I promised him that I would find twin sheets for him and, if he promised to remember that I got him a birthday present, he could use them immediately so as to get into the holiday spirit without delay.  After shaking hands, I went home and searched for said sheets—and while I did find them the “Lodge Sheet” Industry is much much larger than I thought.  We were both overwhelmed with the choices.  I, myself was able to have some instant gratification when I picked up at the store similar (b/c I didn’t want to cruelly buy his sheets) but just as cool green moose, snow, and ever green tree sheets.  And, as a bonus, b/c my walls are red it’s like Christmas morning every day now!

The easy listening station has already started playing Christmas Music all day every day.  Kathi observed yesterday that she had no idea that I had been brain washing her until yesterday she had a great urge to start listing to Christmas music in November—Mission Accomplished (though honestly, I was not subtle about the brain washing. In fact, I’m trying to brain wash you right now.)

Now that my radio is permanently on 106.9, as Becky and I pulled up to drive-thru Starbucks, and I shouted over Silent Night (yes, I see the irony) to give the guy our order.  By the time we got to the window I was in full on giggle mode and proceeded to tell the guy more than he needed to know about my plans, including my intentions to look under Big Bird, Artist for La, la, la, Sing out loud, Sing out proud.

Shana, the birthday girl, had a party at the Orient Express, where in our own personal train car, we sang, like we’ve never sung before.  Only three of us really knew how to use the remote and so we took the liberty of selecting all of the songs that we had heard of… and some that were in Chinese for a surprise.  The video’s and songs were more of Chinese cover singers (although there was one video that seemed to be in Bavaria or Switzerland during the winter… so naturally there was minute of a guy using an industrial snow blower.)   We then passed the mic’s around but really it was just a 6 hours of singing and singing and singing. 

I handed the remote back to Laina and her buddy—who kept looking over to Laina saying “I can pick that.  Blonde Girl is going to get mad again.”  He might not know my name, but he knew my musical affinities. 

Which included my selection of “Row, Row, Row Your Boat.”  As soon as I heard the groans I said “No! Wait! We’re going to do it in a round!”  Which, we did, but then I took pity on them, and pressed next only to get another set of groans.  J 

Becky and I had a bit of an awkward moment seeing each other Monday morning at work after the extremely emotional and heartfelt rendition of Mariah Carey’s “Hero.”  And while the guys might not have none the words, I know the 12 year old girl in all of us was skipping with glee.  I actually think there were tears shed… mostly by me.  It was beautiful.

If you remember that at Luke’s party a couple weeks ago I had to reprimand a kid who was not using the mic properly.  Well, if you didn’t, Becky sure did b/c as soon as she got the mic she started yelling “I love you Tiffany! (tappy tap tap on the mic) I luuuuurrrvveee You!  Tiffany.  Tiffany?  I love you. (tappy tap tap tappy tap.)” Only this time, it took me a while to reprimand her b/c I do love being loved. 

I don’t know how it happened, but at one point I was in two places at once, and it was epic. 

At around 1:30 I told my dear friends that I needed to leave if they expected me to wake up for brunch the next morning.  When I asked (at said brunch) if they has shut the place down they told me that they were belting out a phenomenal rendition of Edelweiss when the lights were thrown on and they were asked to leave. 

At brunch, Liz and Madeline brought their adorable 9 month old baby.  When someone commented on how cute their baby was, Shana corrected them “You mean their “Gayby.”  To which Rach responded. “I don’t like that.  Sounds too much like Scabies.”   This conversation, I kid you not, transition into a conversation about what exactly is in a McRib until the waitress came to take our orders.  We asked for separate checks (unless otherwise indicated.)  The first were two gentlemen, Mark and Bob, who said that they would be sharing a check to which Laina piped in “That’s because they’re gay.”  Mark said, “Yes, my Lover and I will be having…” Bob said, “Ugh that word is worse than Scabies.” 

On the subject of buying a condo or a house:

Shana: You should take the money you would spend on condo dues and use it to pay someone to clean your house and do your yard work.

Laina: I love Mexicans.

Mark: But what if your water heater broke in the middle of the night (I don’t know why you would be showering in the middle of the night.

Shana*: With a Mexican perhaps

Jen*: Who can easily get out and fix that water heater. 

(Actual quotes may vary from reality, but you get the gist.)

Mark: This place is great!  You can run around…

Bob: It’s like a playground!

Jen (to Lily unaware of our comments): This is not a playground. 

 Shana: Hey look! I got a Jesus flash light… to light the Way.

The following day, I received 10 “Michael Angotti tagged you in a picture” notifications and irrationally my first thought was “Two can play at this game Mangotti!” and then I posted this:

Winner Takes It All

Jordan’s cousin Mark asked me to be his first guinea pig as he experimented with a new healing technique that involved a lot of tappy tap tap tapping on various point of your body while chanting.  I think Mark was hoping at had some phobias or deep rooted childhood issues.  When I couldn’t think of any we concentrated on my foot injury and some anger and powerless issues.  I felt slightly more skeptical than a guinea pig should be—but when I walked around after the whole deal my foot felt no pain (it was back this morning, but I got a couple good hours out of it.)  I’m sure he was feeling really successful b/c at one point I started crying… and then by the end of the chant tapping I was laughing.  I didn’t have the heart to tell him that that is just how I get through life. 

Luke baby-sat for the first time on Saturday night.  Before the evening began I asked Luke what he was going to do with them.  He said “Put a movie on?”  I explained that baby-sitting required more effort.  You have to really entertain the kids.  He said, “I thought you just had to make sure they didn’t light themselves on fire.”  The two little boys were dropped off at the house and apparently Lucas totally rocked at making sure they had a blast.  However, I should  have also told him that you needed to prep them before the parents came home by getting their stuff together and cleaning up b/c Dawne was pulling little boy clothes from under furniture last night.  It would appear that pajama change time was also a whirlwind of fun.  J

And finally, I forgot to tell you the best story last week… Matty’s girlfriend Ashley was telling us that she thought it was really distracting that the preacher, during the ceremony, continuously repeated the phrase “You’s Guys” to which Rach said, “I know! It’s “Ya’ll!”

Michael Love, 

T O'B  

Love Ya Laina

I was trying to protect Laina, but turns out, we don't care about Laina's feelings.  

I apologized to Shana about any drunken behavior the following day and she reassured me, ""Don't worry Tiff, you didn't do anything that Laina hasn't done sober!"

When Jen asked me about the cake, I told her that I was drunk by the time I had cake (so I might not be the best judge.)  She said, "Really thats the only way to be a wedding guest.  Just ask Laina. ooooh Burn."  

Love ya Laina! 

Nuptials in a Nutshell

Carla responded to the last story with a simple “PRICELESS.”  I think she missed the point because after getting the result of that mall ticket, the grand total for talking to my mother for 15 minutes was 675 dollars.  That’s rough.  I might have to go down to only 2 lattes a day. 

Now where were we? Ah yes.  Diana McGrath, Jason Erwin and that time that Diana became an Erwin.

As we were wrapping twinkle lights with tulle, Dawne asked Luke if he had learned anything through this whole planning of Diana’s wedding and he quickly replied, “Yep.  You can never have enough tulle.” 

The bachelorette party was on Thursday.  What I found hilarious about this event was that at the bridal shower Diana turned 4 shades of pink and refused to even talk about the lingerie that Rachel had got her and then we threw her a lingerie bachelorette party.  Naturally. 

Dawne took this knowledge to the extreme with notes referring to how she had managed to keep her marriage of 20+ years hot and steamy and then Diana opened the gift to find flannel pajamas, slippers, a huge comfy robe, mittens, a scarf and a hat (I can’t believe a face and eye mask weren’t included to make sure Diana was entirely hidden. 

Early on in the evening, before Rach had arrived I told Cathy that I sprained my ankle bowling (I know—seriously?)  and I couldn’t wait to talk to Dr. Rach.  Cathy said her shoulder was bothering her and perhaps we should take a number for the waiting room.  After we were all given numbers, Diana came over and said she had two aches and wanted to be 7 and 8.   Then, we switched gears.  Diana (after saying, when do I say this? I don’t do this joke thing very often), waited until she had an audience and then asked “Uh, Dr. Rach.  I know that I’m 7 and 8 but could you bump me to number one because I’m the bride and all?” Which was answered by protests from the other patients until Dr. Rach realized what the heck was going on (and Aunt Pat’s “I’m number 5” “Good for you Pat” conversation finally made sense.)

Did I mention that Diana told me not to talk to her friends at the party?  Apparently, I need to keep t o people who get my humor.  Maybe I shouldn’t have made all of those people participate in a public joke perpetuated by yours truly.  What evs.

Jason was hanging out with Diana’s 87 year old father while we were bacheloretting.  They went to the Space Needle and when Jason tried to take a picture with Mr. McGrath’s older model film camera it literally began to smoke and set on fire.  Jason suggested he take the next picture with his camera. 

One of the McGrath sisters was telling us about their mother.  Apparently on her death bed she was talking about her daughters and said “Patti is so incredibly dependable.  Always there for you doing whatever needs to get done.  Nancy is super sweet and you Elizabeth, you don’t bother me.”

The wedding itself was picture perfect… they even got hitched.  J  

Highlights (by T O’B, who decided the pain of sprained ankle deserved some self medication.)

After Diana walked down the aisle; the preacher forgot to tell us to sit down so we stood the whole time. 

We had made a U-Turn on the way to the chapel to pick up the Unity Candle.  While we were in the house, I also grabbed matches.  Stormproof Matches.  During the ceremony, as the candle was being lit Nate turned around to fist bump saying “We made that happen.”  And again, when Jason couldn’t blow out the Storm Proof Matches b/c “We made that happen” too.

Diana and Jason definitely had dance lesson’s before the wedding… which I was happy to solve the mystery of the “Secret Appointments” that Diana had alluded too.  (Why does the word secret make one NEED to know information?) 

I got to sit next to Mark Barrett at the wedding who asked if I wanted to play “Hide the Wedding Bell” when the only place to hide said bell was under the table tent.  After the second round, I was about done with his particular form of entertainment. 

The videographer kept asking me to say something else on his video.  The first take was with 3 other people and he thought I would be funnier with drink on.  I asked him if the 5 minute toast I gave wasn’t enough footage… and he said he wanted something heartfelt.  Hmm.  Well, when I actually got my drink on, I asked to be the final message.  I made him reassure me that this message was strictly between me and Diana and Jason, that NO ONE else would see it.  Said my bit, and then ended with, “Could you get me the videographer’s number.”  He complimented me on my subtle ways, handed me a dum dum lolli-pop, chatted and gave me his number.  Given that all the bridesmaids were checking him out, I was feeling pretty good about myself.  Until I did some internet stalking and it turns out the lolli-pop was specifically a Hey, Dumb, Dumb, I’m gay.” offering.  

Stuff happened since Saturday, but I’m saving it for a rainy (Monday.)