This week, as you know started with me being run down from a crazy weekend of fun, flights and not enough sleep at night. Naturally, I got sick. At one point I was in the elevator going to work and just said out load “I can see how people used to die from this.” Later, Becky was happy to come into work and tell me that I was “Literally making her sick.” Needless to say, I went to work and then slept for 15 hours at night trying to bump up my health and there’s just nothing funny about that. I do remember worrying about my co-workers and could not stop thinking about this card:
At one point Becky and I went to Panera, and while simultaneously ordering soup and hot cocoa, I said to the woman behind the counter “Look at this ninja copying my order.” To which Becky had an equally snarky response, directed of course to her woman behind the corner. They both looked at each other and asked “Are you guys best friends?” To which we said, “uh, Yes?” and then looked at each other like “Was that the right answer?”
Later that day, we were in the elevator (we go to get coffee a lot okay? Did you just meet me?) and Becky says, “I realized that in this relationship, I always have to press the button in the elevator or else we don’t go anywhere.” To which I replied, “Yea. So? I push the button outside of the elevator AND when you don’t press the button I eventually remind you of your job. That’s helpful right?”
Rach and I were supposed to hang out on Saturday. I didn’t wake up until 11 and then went to IHOP with the fam and Jacob, and then I called Rach to warn her that I was sick in case she didn’t want to hang out with me. Dawne heard this and said, “Oh good. I’m glad you told her. I saw you at lunch today and was so happy I wasn’t sitting next to you.” Rach and I wrapped presents, watched 2 minutes of Holiday Inn, shopped, wrapped some more, had Erika’s Hot Heaven, and snuggled in to watch Elf. Good day.
(While watching Holiday Inn)
Rachel: Why are their faces all black?
Me: That’s what they call in the biz “Black Face”
Rach: That is so offensive
(While watching Twas the Night Before Christmas Sunday night)
Zach (seeing the cartoon depiction of a black family in 1974): That is so offensive.
Rach: They might as well be in Black Face.
Zach: You should check if the first episode of Atlantic…
Rach: Zach? Is that what we’re doing here?
Zach: No. Sorry.
We watched Prep and Landing and now I’m going to try to use “That is so Tinsel!” at least once a day until Saturday.
Zach: We should get Egg Nog!
Me: There is Silk Egg Nog in here.
Zach (after drinking): The Silk Egg Nog ruins it.
Me: Why?
Zach: It tastes like cyanide.
Yesterday morning ten ladies of good upbringing and the highest caliber of friends went to get pedicures for a ladies day before the holidays. On our way out of the car I was juggling champagne, orange juice and muffins when Dawne said “Let me help you with that so I look like I brought something.”
Lillia (Russian lady giving me a pedicure): You single? You need to move back to NY. The men here? No good.
Me: Well what about… ?
Lillia: NO! They are not for you. Very strange. Go back to NY then you can bring them here. Listen to me. I know what’s best for you.
At one point as we were discussing our future plans to go to Wade’s Gun Range, a very prim and proper woman at Gene Juarez whipped around and said “Wade’s?! I LOVE WADE’S!”
We then walked in our flip flops (I mentioned we were classy right?) over to Rock Bottom Brewery. There we had lunch, cocktails and for the slightly sick, Hot Toddies.
Me: I don’t remember these being this good when I was 12.
Shana’s mom: Sometimes I tell Shana I’m going to ship her father to her and I may or may not put holes in the box.
Dawne to Rach, about Rach & Christmakah: We could all really feel that there was just something missing.
Me: Oh right! Because Mariana wasn’t there!
Momela: Wait. Did you just say you had hot toddies and THEN you went to the gun range?!
Rach: Mimosas, hot toddies... I see what she was saying but their waiver was QUITE DE-tailed... and not ONCE did they mention alcohol!
We then went over to Wade’s Gun Range and Rental because on Sunday’s there is a Ladies special. Free gun rentals and ½ price lane fees. We each chose our targets (there were various zombies including zombie clowns, Bin Ladin, and of course your standard outline targets.) The shooting area was quite cold, but I quickly learned that they do that on purpose because the adrenaline warms you up quite quickly. We shot a .22 caliber Revolver (“These look like they are from the movies!”), Rifles and a gun that had a laser on it (I don’t know what it was called) and then a 9 mm (that I actually shook after the first time it fired until I could calm down, settle and get back on target) and then a .45 that was uber powerful and after 6 shots I was done. But then George said “But you have one more shot!” Oh do I George? Then I guess I have to shoot it don’t I?
Becky and I bought our own protective eye and ear gear and then Becky bedazzled, because we like to take it to the next level. And yes, I do think we shamed all good standing republican women that were there outside of our group.
“I think I need a professional!” (This was said on multiple occasions by multiple ladies.)
“I can’t believe they just let us HAVE these!”
Rach: Neck shot. Nice. That’s gonna be a bleeder.
George (from Wade’s): I have never seen a group of ladies with better grips.
Shana’s mom as Rach walked away to switch guns: There is nothing hotter than a woman packin’ heat.
(Later when I told my mother this she said “Well now there’s something you’ll never hear your mother say.”)
Cathy: That’s it. From now on all of our events need to have two opposite events in them.
Me: I love a good challenge.
Becky: I was thinking next time Sky High (the trampoline gym).
Me: And then CAVING! Wait. Was that what Cathy meant?
My brother, Sean: You are crazy. Seriously. Crazy.
Me: Crazy? Or crazy AWESOME?
Sean: Well, you sure are memorable.
Oh! Last week we also had a “Team Building” meeting where I finally learned who was on my team, and what their names were. I always end up being tagged as a “Promoter”. Becky was an influencer whose profile mentioned clearly that she was also a manipulator. I personally thought it was a strategic misstep for the team to tell the manipulators all of our faults and personality habits—but hey, I’m not running this ship. At one point, we had to do one of those exercises where people are broken into groups and you have pieces of tubes to use together to get marbles, ping pong balls and golf balls from one side of the room to another. As soon as I heard that it wasn’t a competition I was all for working together—but my team’s yellow tubes weren’t as big so we got kicked off the main chain. Later, in the post-mortem, people were analyzing the types of people who wanted to be in the beginning middle and end of chain and what that meant as personality type. And then one guy raised his hand and said “Well then what does that say about Tiffany who was in the beginning of the chain and then ran around to finish the chain?” Look! People know my name now! After the meeting, we were going to go over to the bar for drinks. I was worried about leaving 45 minutes before anyone else, but Becky assured me that she had told the VP I had to help her. Oooookeedokee.
We also had the family Christmakah, but I was so sick and sleepy I don’t remember much. I do remember giving Zach and Nate their annual subscription to NetFlix. Except when Nate opened his he said, “This proves it. You really do love Zach more—you only gave me 5 months!” I told him that I gave the extra month to more deserving people… like the homeless who don’t even have TV’s.
Happy Holidays All!
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