Monday, December 6, 2010

The Highest of Lariouses

Rollie went out with all of the guys at Microsoft who did the “no shave November” thing for lunch on Tuesday.  Apparently there were some “real gangsters” but he matched up with one other guy pretty evenly and there was an Asian fellow who had zero hair except for his chin and stache. So on the first day of December they all decided to have “Stache Day.”  Rollie tried to keep some chops and poof on the chin but his girlfriend told him that he looked like a raper.  Or more specifically “You look like you’re going to go out and touch children.”  Rollie concluded that “It’s a gift from the Lord to have thick facial hair and all of these a-holes just waste it.  If only I had more white in me.”

Last week when we were in the China section of JC Penny’s I saw a big bouncy ball sitting in a display dish and commented on the dangers of such an item in this particular environment.  Naturally, Luke picked it up and started bouncing saying “Hey.  This is how I roll.”

Tuesday night Lucas brought my cup holder from my car into the house but promised to return it in the morning.  Then he asked to make cookies—but half way through he decided he was tired and was going to bed.  At my outrage, he said, “Tufts. I’m sleep deprived.  That’s not healthy.” and went upstairs.  The next morning my Uncle says to me “Is this your cup holder on the counter?” I explained the above and I was told that Lucas had no recollection of ever even seeing the cup holder this morning.  In the words of Frank McCallister, “Look what you did, you little jerk!” When I asked him later about this incident he told me, “Every day is a like new life to me.  I wake as a disoriented fetus that knows nothing and struggles with the smallest motor skills and eventually roll into bed an old man, exhausted at an early hour and slow moving and cranky. 

Rollie: You and Becky are like BFF’s now huh?
T O’B: She is the Wade to my Rollie. 

I OD’d on facebook last week.  I actually felt physically ill and began deleting posts that I had made declaring them disappointing and dull.  I announced at breakfast that I needed a day off… and then 2 hours later, after I posted a video, my aunt called me out on my lack of follow through.  Damn you, Neville!  (My friend Janette is dating someone who works at FB, and I like to interchange the names Neville and Facebook at will.)

Hanukkah started last week and my mother (the very Catholic Aunt) sent the fam their first present, a Dreidel stacking launcher game which they proceeded to play with dangerously close to the crystal menorah.  After they all said the prayer associated with lighting the candles, Dawne (the Christian) said, “Okay that was the one for the wine, what is the one for the candles?” which successfully made them doubt themselves even though she doesn’t really know which prayer is which.  I got my first Hanukkah present from Aunt Pat.  She gave me some Starbucks VIA which is really cool because I’ve wanted to try it but didn’t want to actually buy it.  Luke said, “‘I want to buy this.’  ‘You know that isn’t for buying!’” Aunt Pat got us all really cool little gifts actually.  Lucas opened a small present that consisted of two individual tea bags to which he said “Oh.  Wow.  Thanks.”   Then after every one finished opening presents, Aunt Pat handed him this awesome pan for crepe making.  When his excitement died down he turned to me and said, “I was worried when I just got two tea bags.”

Maureen, as you may or may not know, is a high school math teacher.  She was telling me the other day about a “Jerk Face” student that goes to her school.  He isn’t necessarily a bad student or a bad person, but his behavior has consistently awarded him the title of jerk face.  In order to fully understand this story you need to know that the way the classrooms are constructed there is a ½ inch space between the wall separating the classrooms and the outer wall.  So if you plastered your face to the wall you could peek into the other classroom.  The Jerk Face was standing in the adjacent classroom complaining and loudly voicing his Jerk Face opinions so that Maureen’s class could hear him but maybe his own teacher couldn’t hear him as well.  Maureen stopped her class, turned to one of her students and said, “Do you have some water?  Cool.  I have a straw.” and handed it to her student who proceeded to blow water through the space in the wall all over the Jerk Face. 

The two phrases that I am stealing from Luke this week are:
That is Highlarious. The highest of lariouses. 
That’s ridonkulous.  The kind of ridiculous a Donkey would have. 

My brother and my parents went down to Florida to visit my dad’s side of the family last week.  My brother was staying with my cousin Colleen.   Knowing that he was leaving right from work she put together some necessities like toothpaste, soap and shampoo.  Sean then told the rest of the family that Colleen was making him do things around the house to earn his toiletries.  They all laughed, but as soon as he left the room, Colleen made sure everyone know that “That is not true.  I did not make him do that.”  

I also got a message on facebook this same evening from one of my lil cousins saying “Your dad just did a hermaphrodite tomato. Take it from there.”  So naturally, my response was, “What does that mean?”  I called my father, and in true form when I call me father to talk to him, he handed off the phone to someone else.  My cousin Jennifer told me that my dad had been cutting into a tomato and it had somehow grown another tomato inside of itself (which is just weird) and could I please write about the incident this week… and you know, make it funny.  I kinda feel like I had to have been there.  

I was glad that I missed my brother demonstrating how incredibly spoiled I am with a story about how my parents walked me down to the bus stop when I was little.  Really Sean?  I am, without a doubt, incredibly spoiled, and your go-to example is being walked down the street to the bus stop holding my mother’s hand when I was 7?  I guess I should just be thankful you didn’t mention the other many examples and shush my face (about this topic at least.)  I also heard he said something about LeBron James not realizing that Colleen had a house-full of LeBron James paraphernalia.  I hate when that happens—but it does always seem to happen, huh?

I got a phone call from my nephew Patrick asking “What’s your shoe size? I hear you want a pink chain saw.” When he got off the phone, Maureen asked, “What did she say her shoe size was?” Patrick, “Oh I don’t know.” Later when I called Maureen, Kevin answered the phone yelling, “What’s your favorite color!?” 
I tried to have a “Short Attention Span Film Festival” on Saturday by sending out invitations on Friday afternoon.  Two hours, and 15 rejections later, I bailed on the whole idea.  Rach and Laina were still up for hanging out so decided to make some eggplant parm.  Luke and I ran to Michaels, Radio Shack and Tops for ingredients.  When I got back from the store, I realized I had bought a ton of stuff we totally didn’t need and forgot the breadcrumbs.  20 minutes later, in an “Ernie and Bert Book” manner, the missing breadcrumbs turned into a baking-palooza afternoon.  Before I knew it, my quiet evening of witch-craft and Christmas movies turned into a meal for 15 surrounded by 7 dogs.  (I’m not going to focus on the fact that these same people had rejected me less than 24 hours earlier, but that’s cool.  I understand.  Everybody loves Shana.)

You know that moment when everyone one has been downing wine and all of a sudden everyone becomes really sleepy?  I actually, visibly saw this happen on Saturday night.  Instead of letting everyone leave, because that just was not an option, I made everyone move into the living room to play Guesstures.  Guesstures is slightly more difficult to translate hilarity than Pictionary—at least without a video reenactment which won’t be happening--but I’ll do my best.  My team thought it would be really helpful to tell the other team what they *should* have done after every turn.  For example for “Doormat” why didn’t you just point to Jamie?  Nate, the next morning said, “Please tell me you were playing charades last night because I kept hearing people yell Masturbation! Rape! ” I told him, why yes we were, and I think you were listening to the acting out of “Fertilizer.”  Have you ever watched someone laugh so hard that they think that they are going to pee themselves—so much so that they look a little worried?  I saw that on Saturday after Heather pointed to her forehead, then put a loser symbol on her forehead than started patting her open mouth… like an Indian.  She didn’t waste any time breaking away from the PC “Indian” to Native Americans as represented by a 4 year old.  Jen also got Drag Queen and Cow Pies, but I am at a loss on how to describe her award winning silent acting skills. 

I then got a phone call from my mother at 1 am (or 4 am her time) because she and Frita had dropped off Sean at the airport Saturday morning and then proceeded to drive all the way back to NY in one day.  Instead of going right to sleep, I think she was still awake from caffeine and a little loopy from lack of sleep.  It was an awesome conversation and made cleaning up from the impromptu party a lot nicer. 

Sunday morning came earlier than I would have liked, but I headed off to brunch with Jen, Shana and Dr. Rach followed by the Urban Craft Uprising.  Sadly, my own attention span for shopping is not long and I quickly became really bored and left my friends to their bizarre bazaar.  Later I went to Ben Franklin, dropped off baked goods, looked at pretty Christmas lights, watched love actually and made one and ½ cards and called the-oh-so unproductive evening with Dr. Rach a roaring success.  I wonder which one of my friends and family will get the finished Christmas card and who will get the ½ of a Christmas card—I know.  The suspense of it all!

When my nieces came home for a day at work with Sean, Stacey told them to go upstairs and change out of their nice clothes to which Morgan said, “Mom, you are exhausting!”  Stacey looked right at Sean and said, “What did you do?” 

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