Monday, November 14, 2011

Diet or Die

We were deciding on what TV to watch on Wednesday when Jordan took charge and put on a British Movie. (We stopped to grab a snack before the movie and Lucas popped some English muffin’s into the toaster saying, "So we can understand the show.”) 
Jordan: It's called "The Trip." It was recommended by Shane.
Me: *Insert Last Name Here*? Last time I watched something with Shane was Piranha 3D.
(45 minutes later.)
Dawne: I feel bad for Cathy at this point.  (Cathy is Shane's wife.)

I got a surprise invite to see the Michael Jackson Cirque du Soleil on Thursday which was prefaced by dinner at the Melting Pot. We were discussing which celebrities had 4 year olds (so we could get them to play and promote our next project).  I felt like I was a little out of it because I threw out "doesn't someone have a kid named blanket, apple and Silo - let's get those kids."  Lucas replied to me with, "Silo? Why would you name your kid after something that holds dung?" Good question buddy - but maybe these are the folks that know how to draw attention, and that's what we need.   When we got to Key Arena, and Dawne and I showed our tickets to the usher we were given a distinct look like, "Right.  You guys totally can't afford these seats."  They were really good... and so was the show!  Of course, now I have a feeling that Luke and I will be asking Swade Boogie for breakdance lessons - so be prepared for awesome to be brought to the next event that involves dancing. 

I'm moving offices today so on Friday; I took the IKEA green leaf to my car (because I didn't think that the movers would take it for me.) I attempted to walk out of my building, oversized leaf in tow, casually, as if there was nothing strange about what I was doing.  This ultra-cool walk was interrupted when I heard whispered behind me, "You know, I don't think that's a real leaf."

Lucas: Can you give me a haircut, Mom.
Dawne: I can't.  I think I would end up with a divorce if I cut your hair before I cut your father's hair.
(I looked at both Dawne and Jordan quizzically.)
Jordan: I'm not getting a haircut until I publish her book.
Nice work, Dawne.  My mother would be proud of you. 

Saturday, we went to the new climbing gym in Bellevue, Stone Gardens.  Oh, sorry, no, I didn't actually climb.  However, I did sit next to Dawne and cheer for the kids when they got to the top.  (Why isn't there a bell to ring!?)

Dawne: We're going to work out at the ProClub after this.  Do you want to come?
Me: Nope. 
Dawne: Wow, you are really lazy.
Me: I have party to go to, b*tch. 
Dawne:  I would never say that.
Me: You're nicer than I am. 
(5 minutes later)
Dawne: I am shaking watching my baby climb.  Literally, shaking.  And my palms are sweaty.  I am so nervous for him.
Me: You are pathetic.  Pull yourself together woman.  You could actually catch him, if he fell right now.  Seriously, Pathetic.  (See, I told you that you were nicer than I am.)
Dawne to Jordan: Tiffany's not going to the ProClub because she is incredibly lazy. 
Me: Okay, maybe not that nice. 

Me: We're going to Karaoke tonight.  I find that I really have found my niche.  Hard-core gangster rap.  It's really my sweet spot. 
Dawne: I'm putting that in the Christmas letter - you finally found a place where you can shine.   

For Shana's birthday, we went to a wine tasting-like-place, followed by dinner at Hudson's and of course, Karaoke.  A friend of Shana's just moved into a place that used to be a brothel, so Shana told her that she was living in a "Whore's Den."  Laura replied, that for how cheap the rent was (which included maid service) she was A-OK with the new "quaint" nickname. 

Jen went to a party beforehand, at which her daughter Lily tried to high-five her little friend but totally missed and another party goer yelled out, "Hey White Girls!" 

I don't know if you remember when Jen made the incredibly epic Jesus-Kitten Cake for Becky's birthday, but for Shana's birthday, she made and equally phenomenal Mary and Dog cake, which I did NOT get to cut into and I feel both disappointed in the fact that I didn't get to cut into this cake and disappointed in myself for wanting to cut into it.  The cupcakes were delish though. 

During Shana's rising rendition of "I Won't Dance", Elvis, in all of his white jumpsuit covered in glittery fare, walked in casually to the bar waving a gigantic American flag.  Shana erupted into a fit of giggles while Jen looked at me to confirm she wasn't the only one who was seeing Mr. Presley himself.  I just replied, "Well, this is happening."

Earlier on Saturday, I was talking to my sister Maureen.  She was telling me that she was having a hard time breathing again, but she didn't want to go to the doctor because they would give her heavy meds.  She also admitted that when she was on the 20/20 diet, she was able to breathe.  I promised her that I would start the diet with her on Monday.  I told Dawne and Jordan that it would be a lot easier for us to stay on the diet with the incentive that if we cheated, Maureen would stop breathing.  Jordan replied, "Is this like 'Buy this magazine or the puppy dies?'" Yes.  Yes, it is.  I then called Becky to go grocery shopping (because that's totally not weird) and stop at the Pro Club to pick up Protein Shakes and Bars.  We successfully got what we needed - all while causing three grown adults to become completely confused in under 60 seconds by asking them to do something that they do all day long.  It's a mutual talent that we have.

When I got home, I actually cooked and prepared all of the food the three of us would need for the whole week, putting everything into cute little Tupperware containers so all we had to do was grab what we were supposed to eat.  While Dawne was excited about the portions and preparations, Jordan walked into the kitchen, saw what we were doing, and announced that he had developed a sudden bout of depression and went to sleep for 40 minutes.  When he came back out from under the covers... we were still prepping, so he knew it wasn't all just a terrible misunderstanding.  Dawne said, "If Maureen dies after all of this, I'm going to be really pissed."  Me too.  

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