Sweet and Sarcastic: I'm fine. You're fine. We're all fine.

Hi friend!

Every week, my team sends me a list of all the stuff that has happened over the past week and then I put it all together and pass it off as my own work. The best part of this compilation is that they send hilarious pictures and memes (which I never comment on and then, of course, delete before putting my name on it.) The emails came in on Monday instead of Friday this week, and they came without a single funny picture. So I replied with this picture, saying SO PROFESSIONAL. To which, I received the reply of “Are you flipping us off?” (I was obviously making a point with my pointer finger.)

My coworker has been growing a mushroom log (who knew that was a thing!?), which he showed off the other day during a meeting. Consequently, that gave the opening for another co-worker to comment, “You don’t have mushroom on that counter, Nick.” And “Boy, you are one fungi!”

There was a moment, very early in the week, that I thought, “Hey! What if I’m totally wrong about this whole pandemic thing, and we’re actually allowed out on May 4^th!?” So I look at my calendar to see what kind of day May 4^th has in store, and I see a calendar invite that just says, “Cher.” I check my phone, email, teams and find zero clues for when I agreed to see Cher. So I ask Ryan or Becky if I was maybe going with them? The answer was negative, but then Ryan tells says, “Oh, this is like that calendar invite I had that covered the length of three days in January and it just said in all caps, CAUTION.” And he never found out what it was for. Which now that I think about it, reminds me of Lewis Black.

Thursday was day 44 of quarantine, and while I thought I was doing really well, that morning I hit a wall, and hit it hard. I’m proud of how long it took to get here, but here I am anyway. So, I found some pics from a year or so ago, when Dawne and I could go to the park in the morning. https://photos.app.goo.gl/jHWgYyRMMRpgmQj59

I have not been sleeping well. I read it’s been fairly common these days, so I know I’m not alone. On Thursday, I actually fell asleep by 12:30 which was an accomplishment. But then Percy woke up around 4 because he couldn't breathe. So, I woke up looking for the allergy medicine that the vet gave me last year, and couldn't find it, but gave him a tiny bit of Benadryl and then he needed a snack, and then he promptly fell asleep and I did not. So I called the vet to get a new prescription which counted as my one adult activity of the day, that was three days ago I still haven’t picked up the prescription. Dog mom of the year! Also, while I am not quite talking to my dog as one might think in this situation, I do find myself saying out loud to him and the walls, “I’m fine, you’re fine, we’re all fine.”

I finally admitted to Dr. Rach that I WebMDed during quarantine. The first week and a half I was really sick, and working from my couch, and generally sleeping a lot (which might have been closer to 2 and half weeks if we’re going to be honest, and I think we should be.) And I always sit with my left leg folded under me, and I often sleep on my left side and after nearly three weeks my leg started to hurt so I did what any normal person would do whose best friend is a doctor, I checked WebMD to see if I had bed sores. And to quote Pheobe the first time she sees Monica kissing Chandler, “my eyes! my eyes!” I do not have bed sores. I then I waiting 3 more weeks before I called Dr. Rach and asked her what really might be going on. Speaking of needing to find a real doctor that I will actually go to…

I do have an amazing eye doctor (Doctor Healey of Healey Vision in Redmond Washington.) I discovered her years ago at Lens Crafters when I scratched my cornea and she didn’t judge me once. So, I hunted her down when she got her own practice. Sure she makes fun of me a little, but I think that’s par for the course. I am telling this story because she called me about making an appointment which I declined because I am currently a hermit, but she did order me new contacts. The last time I was in, though, I had an eye exam which was, as humiliating as every other time. I mean, they take your contacts away and then make you prove that you can’t see anything. This never makes me feel warm and fuzzy. Anyway, we finish up the eye exam and she gives me a different brand to try that is a little more moist because my eyes had been drying out on planes and she does one last test to see if my eyes are better with this lens or this lens. I get super stressed and don’t want to admit that I actually can see better with the extra lens because my eyes haven’t gotten worse since high school. But I take a deep breath and tell her, forlornly, that yes, indeed, that is better. And oh yeah, it’s even better with the next lens that she adds and even better with the next. With a sigh of dejection, I wait for the result and she said, “Well, Tiffany, you are at that age now… where your eye sight gets better so we’ll lower the prescription a bit.” WHAT!? News to me! I mean, Momela’s eyes got magically better where she didn’t need glasses at all, but I really did think that was magic and pixie dust. So, I walked out with my new contacts, and into a movie theater to see Avenger’s Endgame. And as the last scene unfolds, I start crying and my contact, being super moist, slipped off it’s target area. I missed the whole emotional scene as I tried to hunt for it around my eyeball. And back to Acuvue it is!

A couple of weeks ago, Erika told me that her eldest, Toby, wanted to play with his knives, and Erika said, “no, we cannot got to the ER right now. Let’s go for a bike ride.” Fast forward to Erika, sans helmet, falling inexplicably, and cutting her forehead up enough that she needed stitches. She also didn’t have a phone on her, but luckily the first person on the scene was a friend who calmly stayed with her until Kenny could come and bring her to the ER. This is when she did exactly what all of us would do, and laser eyed on every possible path for germs. She ended up being fine, and after 14 days could breathe easy – and also can now ride with a helmet because that’s what I sent her for her birthday. 😊 Then, today, I was pleased to see that Erika was calling me. They have been watching some Mary Poppin’s and said, hey, “Let’s go fly a kite!” It was a beautiful day, and kids were having fun until my sweet goddaughter, Daphne, ran full speed into a tree, vomiting three times, and they found themselves back at the ER. Is it too much if I send them each one of those bubble balls for when they need to go out? (And thank goodness, Daphne seems to be just fine, but the 14 day clock has been reset.)

And in other knife aficionado news, back in September, my nephews were helping Stacey’s family clear out her dad’s place, when Patrick happened to see a pretty cool knife in the garage. He hesitated a bit, but eventually asked if he could have the knife to give to his little brother Kyle for Christmas. Maureen said that was fine, so Patrick took the knife home. Then Christmas comes, and goes, and no knife is given. Eventually, the question is asked, and Patrick explains that, yeah, about that, I lost it. When asked where he lost saw it, he said the couch. Sure enough, deep in couch crevices, was the missing gift. Luckily, this story doesn’t end in a trip to the ER like the story Erika also told me about Toby getting a knife for Christmas.

We got my mom this power chair that lifts up and down to make it a little easier when she got out the hospital in February. On Tuesday, they were in the car on the way home from the doctor, and when they got to the pharmacy to get her prescription, they realize the power has gone out. So, Frita tells Maureen that there is this battery pack for when the power goes out, and I bought a bunch of extra batteries so we don't have to worry. And my sister was like, “MAN! SHE THINKS OF EVERYTHING!!” and I don’t know why, but that just cracks me up.

Becky, kindly offered to pick up my uneaten Ritz Bitz and bring them to Hopelink. I was thrilled because I have made lots of poor decisions when purchasing food and had lots of groceries I could part with. And added bonus, I got to see Becky, a live human in person from across the parking lot. She was telling me some fun developments in her marriage, specifically, that there were some things that previously could be ignored and now, perhaps, were going to need to be addressed. Little things like where one squeezed the toothpaste tube (which I suggested this could be fixed with a second tube? But maybe that’s too 1% lifestyle.) Another, fun thing is that Becky prefers to place items intended for the trash, on the kitchen island, near the trash and then periodically, when she feels like walking around to the bin, she will put the trash waiting patiently into its proper home. Jared, is not a fan of this. Jared, on the other hand, loves folding up pieces of paper into teeny tiny, origami failures and leaves them strewn about. This is not Becky’s favorite trait, so she decides one day to dramatically pick up each and every one of the pieces and, with a flourish, place them into her had and thrust the hand with the collection in front of Jared, saying, “I guess I’ll throw these in the trash, shall I?” An hour later, walking into the kitchen and clapping eyes on the island, Jared finally replies to Becky with, “I guess what you really meant was place them next to the trash for later, huh?” Which also reminded me of these two fun clips from Michael McIntyre and Sarah Millican.

Dr. Rach’s kids are a lil young for Harry Potter, but Anderson says, “Maybe when I’m 7 [I’ll read it], Mom.” Despite this, and his very young age, every once in a while, this kid will say, “Guess what my favorite character is, Mom?” and when she asks who, he’ll snap back, “Nagini.”

Friday night, I played a lil codenames with Sean’s fam. I know I’ve said this a hundred times, but Morgan is pure delight.

Morgan, before giving her team the clue, says very seriously: Now you really have to get into my mind and think like me, Okay? Okay. Mystical, 5 words.

Jackie: Definitely, Dinosaur.

Me: Dinosaurs are real!

Jackie: We’re thinking like Morgan now, So…. Dinosaur, Platypus, Centaur.

(the other two were Chest and Hollywood.)

Sean: Benedict for 4.

(I look at the board see revolution and mass and think, whoa, he does not know who is on his team.)

Jackie: Oh, that’s a type of egg so breakfast foods…. Maple, Chick and Link.

Sean: Okay, the clue is Northeast for 4.

Morgan: It has to be Shakespeare! That’s north east on the map!

When the game was over, I asked: Morgan, I have to know, when you picture a map, do you see Europe in the upper right hand corner?

Morgan: I am going to stop you right there and tell you, I don’t picture a map.

Which lead to me finding out… did you know that not everyone has an inner monologue?

https://mymodernmet.com/inner-monologue/

As you all know, I lived on the compound for many years, and if there is ever an impending snow storm, or late night adventure, or just pure laziness on my part, I slip into old habits. Frankly, the only reason I didn’t hunker down at their house immediately is because I was super sick and didn’t want to get anyone else sick, and then I needed to wait two weeks to make sure I wasn’t contagious, and then I started (okay stayed) super weird and didn’t have any human contact because staying home is really all that I can control in these crazy times. So, I don’t want you to think I take this very very seriously. But as I said, I hit a wall and so I asked D&J if I could come over, maybe jump in vat of chlorine, and generally be with family. And seeing as I had intended to be there the whole time, and I’ve been a hermit, and also likely already had covid, I was allowed to come over (as you can tell this decision was not taken lightly). And yeah, it was basically the best day ever, and Dawne helped me get turn my muppet into a real life bobble head before we jumped in the pool.