Monday, May 23, 2011

No, Jamie. It’s not time yet.

I’ll start with some work anecdotes, because generally that’s how my week begins.

Chris: Where’s my present?
Me: Oh man! I forgot.  I like that you remembered that you are owed a present.
Chris: Becky’s birthday was yesterday, obviously my birthday is next
Me: When is your birthday?
Chris: October.

Me: Hey Sunshine!
Chris: It’s nice out there. It’s Chris out there.

Chris: Andy is playing at PAX.
Me: When is that?
Chris: Aug 27th.
Me: Oh. I’m not going to that. 
Chris: Why?
Me: I’m going to Disney.
Chris: How do you know it’s at the same time?
Me: Because I have an excellent grasp of how time works.
(5 minutes later)
Me: I just realized its Thursday which means Becky doesn’t get here until like 4.
Colin: 4?
Me: or Ten.
Colin: Did you just say 4 or 10?
Chris: and she just finished saying she has an excellent grasp of how time works.

When I first walked into work, before I sat down:
Chris: Do you have time to watch something awesome?
Me: I always have time for awesome.
Chris: You might have watched it real time.

Me: Some people make bad decisions
Chris: Like Colin’s mom.
Me: That was harsh.
Chris: yeah. A little below the belt.
Colin: Oh I get it.

Becky and I walked down for coffee and it was the busiest I have ever seen Caffe Ladro.  Seriously, the people were 5 deep waiting for their coffee and the line was snaked around into the hall.  Naturally, this was when I chose to spill my Big Daddy Iced Coffee EVERYWHERE. 

We totally went out to happy hour with our new caffe ladro friends.  That’s right.  Happy Hour.  :)

Becky: You know how we should pick (the caffe ladro) people up tonight?  We should get a cardboard box and cut holes and decorate it like car then we should walk in wearing it.  We can pretend to honk the horn and yell get in!  We’re going to happy hour!
Me: Where will we get a box big enough?
Becky: I don’t know, but we’ll have to cut a hole in the top for Shanniquah—ya know, ‘cause she’s so tall.
Me: Better not tell them, just in case we find the box in the next two hours.

Me: I think I’m drinking tea.
Becky: Maybe you just used too much ½ and ½
(still drinking it.)
Me: too much ½ and ½ doesn’t make coffee taste like tea.
(still drinking it.)
Becky (to Caffe Ladro Linnea): Tiffany has been complaining about her coffee she said either you gave her tea or your coffee tastes awful.
(still drinking it.)
Linnea: Oh no.  I definitely gave her tea.
(still drinking it.)
Linnea: Stop drinking that.  I’ll give you coffee.

Me (via text): Congrats if you had a baby today... if not... maybe tomorrow... and if you are still working on it and decided it was a good time to check your phone--GOOD PUSHING!
Erika: Ha! I was gonna call – Xavier Francis Hoxworth 8lbs 7 ox 21 inches.
Me: way to put two x’s in his name if names were allowed in scrabble he would clean up!
Erika: Shit! They aren’t!??
Me: you’re still on birthing drugs, of course you wouldn't remember the subtleties of Scrabble rules but Kenny is useless.
Erika: Ha! How true.  Though his sperm makes cute babies.  That's something!

I was telling my mom on Friday about the whole Rapture thing:
Me: You know, supposedly a bunch of people are going to go to Heaven tomorrow.
Momela: Uh.  That happens every day, Tiffany. 

In honor last weekend’s supposed “Rapture” we invited people to go out to dinner at “The Saint” followed by drinks at “The Chapel.”  Every time I got up to go anywhere…

Jamie: Is it time?
Me: You're a jerk.

On Cathy becoming a citizen:
Shana: You can't vote
(I honestly can’t remember who responded): You're a woman you can't ever vote.

Me: I had to stop being in Chorus because I kept fainting.
Shane: Are you sure that it’s because you faint?  Have you ever considered you can't sing?
Me(this response took 5 minutes because I couldn’t stop laughing) I can sing! I was in select chorus!
Shane: Oh! “SELECT” chorus.  That settles it then.

On Shane’s first Prostate Exam:

Shane: I had to get into the same position I did in grade school for corporal punishment.  Honestly, I like a little snuggle after a prostate exam.
Rach:  How exactly did you want the doctor to get to the prostate?
Shane:  I'm not even sure it was a finger!  I was looking down and crying.   Is 30 min the right amount of time for a prostate exam?

Jen: Is Brunch still on or did you get Raptured?
Me: It’s on – although I think my keys might have been raptured.

Saturday, we all went out for a post “Last Party”/Cathy’s Belated Birthday/Hangover Brunch.   Naturally, Cathy was displeased that I continued to try to celebrate her birthday—but not nearly as flustered/embarrassed as when Dawne suggested we all sing Happy Birthday. 

5 year old Lily: Look mommy. Shane tried to draw a pony
Shane: She totally just looked at me like “Don't quit your day job.”  (PS: that is his day job.)  

During brunch my mom called:
Momela: I just wanted you to know I’m still here. We are on our way back from NJ
Cathy whispered: New Jersey… AKA heaven?

Saturday night we were going to dinner and then off to see Bridesmaids.  We had ten minutes to wait before we had to leave so…

Me: Jordan, you need to get ordained.  Shana wants you to marry her. 
Zach: Shana’s getting married?
Me: She’s getting ready.
Jordan: This is going to cost me $7.
Dawne: Shana is worth at least double that.
Jordan: Oh good. Becuase with shipping and handling its $14.
Dawne: She’s TOTALLY worth $14.

After dinner I saw a couple of text messages from Jamie:
Jamie: Is it time yet?
Jamie: How about now?
Jamie: I just sent Tiff a text and haven’t heard anything back… does this mean she’s gone? Raptured that is.
Me:  I’m at Bridesmaids.  Now He’ll never take me.  Thanks for checking on me.  However Dawne’s chest is getting bigger and Jordan is starting to repent.

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