Monday, May 16, 2011

You're Off The Ship

I lost my voice this weekend; I must have partied too hard and didn’t get enough sleep.  You know how off the hook First Holy Communions can be.  Yesterday, I was lying on the bed next to my mom while she got ready:

Me: Momela, I feel like I’m going to be sick.
Momela: Well then throw up and get it over with.
Me: You are such a great mom.
Momela: Did you really expect sympathy from someone who gets sick all the time?
(Later in the car on the way to the airport in traffic)
Momela: We’ll probably make it there on time.
Me: I’m more worried that I might get sick in the car.
Momela: There is a plastic bag in my purse.
Me: You’re the best.  Can I keep this?

Me: I must be getting old.  Now that I'm 30 these whirlwind weekends are making me sick. 
Mo: Honnnnnney. You've always gotten sick when you come to visit.  It's like when I woke up in the mornings in my 20's my knees would crack and I'd say to myself, I'm in my 20's and my knees are already cracking.  Make a note of it.  

I better back up a bit.  Last week I woke up, from a great weekend with Janette, feeling like my mysterious “no sleep equals a sore throat and an ear infection” quirk was coming on.  When I came home from work at 5:30, Zach was coming up the stairs:

Me: Did you just go swimming?
Zach: I’m trying to stay active.
Me: That’s great. I’m going to sleep for the night.

I still ended up needing to get antibiotics the following day, and I slept for another 14 hours.  Unfortunately, I didn’t get sleep on the red-eye to NY and then it was Mo’s 40th so we got mani/pedi’s and I went into Ben Franklin to talk to my godson Kevin’s class about working at Pokémon (when asked what my favorite part was, I told them “You know how you guys have boards with stickers to show your accomplishments on the wall?  We do that too at Pokémon but with how far we’ve gotten in the video game.  See, things really don’t ever change.”)  And over the course of the day my voice slowly but surely disappeared.  I think it’s fair to say this one might be a long one b/c it’s really the most I have been able to communicate all weekend. 

As Kyle was opening a birthday present of two motorcycles:
Kyle: Great! One for Kevin and one for Patrick!
Pat: No, they are both for you—but you can share them if you want to.
Me: Momela.  Thanks for waiting ten years to have me so I never felt like I needed to share my stuff.

It was my dad’s birthday last Wednesday and many old students, friends and family wrote on his facebook wall.

Me: I noticed you had an even split of Uncle John’s and Uncle Jackie’s on your wall.
Frita: Yea, your mother did that to me.  Made everyone she knew start calling me John and it’s been that way ever since.
Luke: That’s what we call a Paradigm Shift.
Jordan: You know what that is?  About 20 cents.

Friday morning over coffee:
Frita (to Momela): And you broke my good mug!
Maureen: What 50 years ago?
Frita: No this morning! My Seton mug! (His free church mug.)

Me: This fortune cookie just told me to exercise so I threw the fortune out.

Maureen: I told Kevin that his father knew where his DS was and he would have to call him (but then I didn’t give him the number.)  Kevin then proceeded to search the house for the class lists, find his name, and call the number next to Kevin Hickey.  Unfortunately, it’s the home phone number—but I decided to give him Pat’s number for his trouble.  I can’t believe he doesn’t know his own number though.  Patrick knew his on the first day of Kindergarten and even made little cards with his name and number to hand out on the bus “Call me.  We’ll have a play date.  Set it up with my mom.”

Maureen was going to start spraying raid on the floor because she saw an ant in the house.  Before she did, she announced to the kids that they were going to have to stop eating things off the floor so they wouldn’t get poisoned—she hadn’t even finished the warning when Kevin started spitting out whatever was in mouth saying “Boy that was a close one!”

My now, 6 year old nephew Kyle has been asking to hang out with his Aunt and Uncle.  He has even called them up “Hi Uncle Mike!  Can I sleep over sometime? This is Kyle. Call me!” But he hasn’t gotten a call back.  This has not stopped Kyle from talking about wanting to hang out with his God Parents.

My dad: That kid (Kyle) has an exceptionally high resistance to satisfaction.  You can take him to Chucky Cheese and he’ll ask to go to the park.  You take him to the park and then he asks to see his Uncle Mike.

Mo: See this fire engine?  It was the only toy at Uncle Toms.  When Sean and I were little my parents would be like go play and we’d move this around for around 5 minutes and then be like… okay how much longer?

Okay, so we celebrated Maureen and Kyle’s birthday on Friday and Morgan’s First Holy Communion on Saturday.  My mom made a really amazing dinner Friday night and basically I had so much fun that I almost don’t mind the laryngitis (okay that’s a lie.)  My little O’Brien cousins are up in NY for three weeks interning at the NYSE and they just added to the fun of the weekend.  Here are some highlights:

Sean had picked up dumplings (Chicken, Pork  & Veg) as an appetizer—only the paper’s indicating which was which was in Chinese.  After some investigative work, I figured out which was which.  I now fully intend to put “Speaks Chinese” on my resume.  (I hear Carla intends to add “Musical Chairs” to hers as well.)

The visiting cousins, Anthony and Brendan were incredibly good sports about playing with all of the kids.  They paid for their kindness with a bunch of little girls abusing them.  I tried to yell “tweet” during a soccer game after I witnessed one little girl hitting Brendan—but no one could hear me.  One little girl was tugging on a sleeve exclaiming “You’re not 21!  You can’t drink!” which is totally what every 20 year old wants to hear.  After a game of capture the flag in which Brendan had hid the “flag” on a small boys shirt while he was swinging (making it increasingly difficult to capture the flag) I heard many kids come up to Anthony exclaiming “You’re brother is a cheater.” 

Before the party started, Morgan pleaded with us to go in the bouncy house with her.  After agreeing, our first jump Brendan’s foot ripped a 6 inch hold into the side of the bouncy house.  I have never seen two boys feel worse than when this bouncy house started to collapse on us.  They immediately went to work to fix the problem, and with the help of duct tape and clamps, the bouncy house was up and running.  Brendan:  I’ve broken my fair share of things in my day, I CAN fix this. 

Maureen told me earlier in the evening that if Pat didn’t see us, he wouldn’t suggest that we go home.  So, naturally, when I saw Pat looking for his wife, I whispered to Carla “For the next 15 minutes Mo and are going to take turns hiding from Pat.  As long as he can find me he can't take us home.” Then Carla said, “You know, I could just take you home instead of letting him sit in the driveway with the kids calling the house to tell you guys to come out to the car.”   

Dom: You guys are really in sync with each other. How close in age are you?
Brendan: We're 14 months apart.
Anthony: We also lived together for what, Brendan, 12 years?
Brendan: 12?!12 years? What do you mean only 12 years? What is wrong with you?
Anthony: I mean we shared a room for 12 years. 

Jeff filling a cup with cheese doodles: My wife is going to ask me if I fed my child--now I can check that off the list. 

Beth continuously told me that I was “Crazy,” “Insane” and “Off my rocker” but in a good way! And for that? Imma quote her saying: I need to use the bathroom can anyone help me?

When Patrick (my 8 year old nephew) asked Stacey if he could have a second piece of cake, Stacey gave him a sliver of cake and said that he was NOT to tell ANYONE that he was having a second piece.  3 minutes later a gaggle of children ran into the house asking for a second piece of cake.  When Patrick, later, entered the house:

Stacey: Did you tell people you had a second piece?
Patrick (beside himself giggling): No.
Stacey: Really? So it was a coincidence that kids ran in here after I gave you a second piece? You are no longer my favorite nephew.
(Patrick still giggling): I didn’t say I had a second piece.
Stacey: I run a tight ship Patrick and you're off the ship!

Maureen (the next day): Yea.  Some parenting just doesn’t work on my kids.  Patrick didn’t say he had a second piece.  He ran out and yelled “I got a third piece!” and when all the kids yelled “No Fair!!” he said, “I’m just kidding!” And he was kidding.  It wasn’t his 3rd it was his 2nd and Aunt Stacey did warn him not to tell anyone he was having a second piece. 

Maureen: Patrick, are you sure you didn’t hear someone curse?
Patrick: Mom, these ears didn't hear any curse words.

Carla: Come on Bailey!  Let’s Dance! Get Loose!
Bailey (13): I don't get loose, I'm tight.  I am very tightly wound.
Carla: At least she knows. 

While Sean was fixing a drink, Stacey went over to talk to Sean and slipped her hand into Sean’s back pocket.  John, seeing this, removed Stacey’s hand, and replaced it with his own.  As John’s was grabbing my brother’s behind, Stacey put both hands up in front of Sean’s face, to which Sean replied, “Hey, I’ll take it where I can get it.”  An hour or two later, I walked into the house only to see Craig grabbing my brother’s behind, to which I exclaimed, “Boy, I there has been an awful lot of ass grabbing for Sean today.”  Sean immediately responded, “P90X.  This ass is rock hard.”

Later, Sean was telling a story that I guess he didn’t want his little sister hearing b/c when I made a comment (in my whispered voice) he said, “Oh man! Have you been here the whole time? Now I’m embarrassed.  She’s never this quiet!”

Mr. Larson: This must be killing you, huh?
Me: Yea.  The no laughing is the worst.
Carla: This must be so hard for you.
Me: It really is.  I love to talk.

Maureen: Right.  So I’m going to want to make a baby on August 12th 2012.   
Me: Oh really? On August 12, 2012?
Maureen: Yup.  Maybe August 11th so I can give birth on May, 12, 2013.  5-12-13—it’s a perfect triangle!

Morgan: Who sings this song?
Anthony: It’s from the 70’s it sounds like.  We can go find out.
Me: I wouldn’t stress out about it.  She only wants to know so she can punch someone like her mother and Aunts
5 minutes later you could see Stacey, running in heels, across the Patio to land a punch on Carla with a definitive “Who is Tom Petty!”

Me: Morgan.  I’m going to need to open your present from me soon so I can play with it. 

As I was walking out of the house:
Maureen: Tell your breast story.
Me: Which breast story?
Maureen: You know the one. 
She immediately walked away. I thought it was odd that a) she would ask me to tell a story when I had no voice and b) that she would ask me to tell such a sub-par story that I’m not even including it in this email.  Turns out, she just wanted out of the conversation and threw me under the bus. 

I asked 30 people to give 30 cards to Becky today for her birthday.  The instructions were simple.  I handed them the card and said sign and give it to her on Monday.  Apparently I should have been more clear b/c there were some mess ups.  One of the funnier cards was signed

Things to also celebrate besides beer and your birthday:
1)       It’s Monday.
2)       Tiffany has Laryngitis.
3)       My boss isn’t here today.

Literally, people in my area have never been so chatty and my inability to chime in witty comments is KILLING ME!!

Eva shared this website with me and I literally cannot stop emphasizing my complaints now for maximum irony.  Enjoy!

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