Monday, September 26, 2011

You Ruined My Wedding

This weekend, I flew back to NY for Debina’s wedding.  As you can imagine, a good time was had by all, but for you, I’ll share the details.  Before I do so, let me give you a brief “character update.”  (I’ve been meaning to make you all a “Character List” but today is just not that day. 

Debina hates the name Debina and would much prefer Deb.  I’ve also known her for 29 years, (I was friends with her brother Chris first and we both had to wait around a year for her to arrive, but it was worth the wait.)  And, she just married, Mark. 

Her other bridesmaids consisted of her sister in law Ro, Moe (not to be confused with my sister Maureen), Jenine or “Ween” and Kristine, or “K.”  Moe & Ween grew up in the neighborhood next to mine, (the same one as Briana, if anyone is keeping track) that we call the “Fishbowl.) Moe, Ween and K all went to the same school as Deb and I, but like Deb, they were in the year below me, but we still played soccer and volleyball together (b/c I wasn’t very good at either and only made it to JV for two years.) Alright, let the stories begin!

When I go home, inevitably, I turn back into a little kid, asking my parents to pick me up and drive me to my friend’s house.  This time, my mommy picked up Moe & K and brought us to Deb’s house before the rehearsal dinner on Thursday night.  On our way up, K asked Moe to be the legal guardian for her two kids if, God forbid, she and her husband die.

Moe: Is this for real? You better be careful, my mom might show up at your door with a shotgun just to get some grandkids. 

Mark and Deb drove us to the church…

Mo: On our way here (church), Mark told us about this adorable little fight they had last week, and then we saw it live!

True Story.  At one point, Deb looked in her side mirror and asked, “Fany, are you HIDING in your purse?” I replied, “No. I’m getting out a game to play because I am extremely uncomfortable right now.”

While I was taking to Deb’s parents about what's going on with me lately, Jenine and Moe looked at each other and said, “We need to kill Tiffany and take over her life.”  Aww schucks, Guys.  I’ll send you a postcard from Munich!

When we got to the rehearsal dinner, we all ordered beverages.

K (returning to the table, seeing our drinks in hand): You didn’t get me a drink?
Moe: Rookie mistake to go to the bathroom before you order a drink.
Ween: Honestly, we didn’t think about you at all.
Me: Is that the apology we’re going with?

As we were all happily giggling and generally making merry at the rehearsal dinner, Deb looked straight at us and said sternly, "Stop being so positive."

Ween: Moe had this bed that you inevitably rolled into the center of. After a party, I'd stay over and I'd wake up on Maureen and then I was like “well, this is happening”. 

Ween drove us all from the church to the rehearsal dinner.  After dinner, K drove us home in Ween’s car.  While Ween, Moe and I were in the back seat, Ween suddenly said, "I just thought ‘Oh man, how are we getting  my car back from the church?" Basically, we all went back to Deb's after dinner to paint our nails and watch Bridesmaids.  As we were discussing how very early we were going to have to get up the next morning, we all heard Deb yell, "Ugh! I hate getting married!" 

K: Does anyone want to see my stomach after two kids?

Ween: We've already seen your nips.
K: You better show me yours at 8 months.

While doing nails (bright orange I might add), Ween handed me a bag of Doritos that landed on my nail, and messed it up.  I refused to redo it, so I just referred to it as "Dorito Nail" for the rest of the weekend.  Now, that the creator of Doritos, Arch West, died today, I'm worried my Dorito nail had something to do with it.  

Moe: K, do you wanna have another baby while were having a beer?
Ween: Seriously, Do you want anything K?
Moe: Yeah, offer her a drink, while you sit on your ass and I go get the beers. 

Moe: The Crackle barrel next the hotel is the only reason I rsvped yes. 

K: Why does he talk like that?
Moe: He's from Ireland that's like me hearing someone say "Coma esta?" and you'd be like "It's my husband."

Me: This bridal party has been the best ever, in fact I might just reuse you for mine
Ween: Awesome, I can’t wait.
Me: My friends are going to be so mad.
Ween: You can't take it back.

Moe and I volunteered to get up first for hair and makeup.  I borrowed Deb’s hair dryer and then put it back under the sink.  20 minutes later I heard Deb yell: WHERE IS THE HAIR DRYER! Me: I put it back! Deb: YOU RUINNED MY WEDDING.  She then proceeded to tell me that I ruined her wedding at least 20 more times, not anyone else, just me.  To which my standard response was, “I already did that this morning!”

Me: That shower was awesome.
K: I think I showered my nipple off.
Moe: seriously, my stomach got raped in there.  

In the limo, on our way over to the church, we were taking pictures when I got worried that inadvertently, my chest was getting into a photo.
Moe: You're not in it but your boobs are in the other car. 

We arrived a tad late to the church, so we were a bit rushed.  Deb’s dad said something super sweet to her like, “You’ll always be my baby girl.” Which, in turn, made Deb start crying (don’t worry, I think our makeup was shellacked on.)  But, like she did throughout the day, Deb yelled, “Tiffany! Say something funny!” Only, I was so panicked about not knowing when I was supposed to walk down the aisle, I couldn’t think of anything to say.  Now, you have to realize that, the back wall/barrier in this church is glass, so everyone is standing there, looking at me confused.  Finally, Deb just told me to go, just walk down the aisle.  Which I do.  Until half way down, when I am told to stop and go back, which I do, after making a downward fist motion, followed by me turning around and saying, “Oh Shit.” In front of Jesus and my parents. 

Me: You told me to go!
Deb (cracking up at me): Why would you listen to me!
(At least she stopped crying?)

Then, I took the sweater off, that I forgot that I was wearing, and threw it on the floor in the back of the church (and yes, everyone saw me do that too) and then I walked down for real.

After the ceremony, Erin came up to me and said, “I liked the first time you walked better.  The second time looked rehearsed.” And Moe, helpfully said, “I'm glad it was you.  I would have just walked faster forward.” Thanks, Moe.

Deb’s brother Michael, had to change his baby’s diaper as soon as we got to the church, so when the priest announced that Michael would be doing the next reading, we all got to see him running, baby in hand, down the aisle.  He quickly passed his child to his mother, and then, as he was walking up onto the alter, he slammed his foot squarely in the center of Deb’s dress/train.  Welp, at least I didn’t do that.

We had a couple rest moments during the cocktail hour.  One little girl was explaining to Ween about a boy she liked who she met at dance class.  After a brief description of the lad, I overheard Ween suggest that, “Brandon might like a Jonas Brother.” 

I also, particularly enjoyed, when Mark, Deb’s husband (!) starting doing a funky dance, before going after the garter belt, Deb clearly asked, “Are you retarded?”  Mark was such a happy boy, especially at the after party at the hotel where he was bouncing like Tigger.  Though, I agree with Michael also, when he said, “He's like a gazelle.” Maybe a combination of the two.  

In other news, I kind of heart that on my way back from a meeting last week, my boss said to me, "Before you leave you have to spend some time playing the Terminator arcade game." Such a slave driver.   

Luke, after looking at a particularly famous picture, That’s gotta be the worst place to nap. 
Jordan: But I bet it’s fun before you hit the ground. 

Maureen's boys were getting the lecture about how you have to stop playing games and study hard so you can get a good job and use all of the things you learn later in life.  But then, Kevin spoke up to say, I don't know, my aunt makes toys and plays video games all day.

When the boys got home from school on Thursday, they very mature started some small talk:
Patrick: How's halo?

Kevin: Do you miss Pokemon?
Kyle: You know, that Halo game is very violent. 

When Kyle was having trouble with his homework, my dad asked Kevin if he knew what Kyle was working on. Thats when Kevin walked over, looked at it, and said, "yea.  It’s something he should have learned at school. 

Saturday night, we went up to Eisenhower Hall at West Point to see Gabriel Iglesias.  My parents have had season tickets for Ike Hall for as long as I can remember, and I often took Evivova with us, but it has been a few years since she joined us.  Now, when you go to West Point, post 9/11 you have to go through two security checks. 

Evivova: Everything is so different now!  I did feel nauseous on the way over here so that hasn't changed. (If you have never been, the road on the way up to the Bear Mountain Bridge is on the side of a big mountain, where all you can see over the edge is the Hudson, and it is VERY windy, and, if you don’t know anything else about Evivova, you should know that, she gets car sick.)

Evivova was very worried that our (Maureen and I, that is) laughter, while at the comedy show, would draw the comedian’s attention and she might be called out.  She actually told me that being mocked in public was her worst fear.  So naturally, at one point, when the house lights came on and the comedian looked into the audience, my sister yelled at the top of her, "EVA!" 

Okay…  I also went apple picking with Maureen and the boys (While apple picking, I was CONVINCED that I had gotten poison Ivy and had to run home and try to wash it off), hung out with Lisa and her new twin babies, and saw Morgan's game yesterday.  But, basically, that's what I did last week.   I had to leave some of it out because I understand you have other stuff going on in your life that does not revolve around reading about my life. :)

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