Friday, August 31, 2012

Bride Walkin' the Plank





Last week, while watching Girls - No.  Wait.  Let's talk about this show "Girls" for a minute.  Have you seen it?  It's like Sex in the City for 24 year old girls that don't know what they are doing.  It's a total train wreck - and Luke and I couldn't look away.  Except, we did look away when we saw a Gatorade and decided we needed said hydrating beverage immediately.  Checking out from the grocery store, with decidedly more groceries than just "Gatorade", we were told that a fight had started outside.  A fight.  In Bellevue (and not even downtown Bellevue.)  The cashier asked Luke if he was going to protect me and he said, "I can hardly bench press the bar - I'm not going to be helpful protecting."




While in a meeting, there were a lot of accessories that needed approval.  Someone asked my coworker, Jeremy to try on one of the belts.  When he had it on, instead of saying that he was ready to show it off, he said, "Who requested the removal of my pride?"




As I mentioned a couple of weeks ago, we might have knocked up Nala (she goes to the doctor today.)  In our excitement, Uncle Ray built a whelping box.  Immediately, Luke and Dawne started decorating which included going out to get pink paint. 
Me: PINK!? Don't know babies need greens and yellows?
Dawne: But Nala likes pink!
Me:  When you were pregnant, did you paint the baby rooms pink? (Please remember she had three boys.)
Lucas:  It doesn't matter if they are male or female puppies, all Yorkies are girls. 
When I told this story to my parents and Mo and Do, I might have said, "Naturally, they decided to decorate the whelping box - because who wouldn't?!" to which Mo and Do exchanged a mutual "Who WOULD?" look.  :)
  
Frita (looking in magazine): Do you think your puppy will need a new blanket?
Momela: You wouldn't spend 15 dollars on your grand kids.
Frita: Of course not.  But this isn't my money. 



I got to work, and was parked on the street, finishing up a conversation with my mom, when a guy asked me to pull up so he could park.  Only, as I pulled up, I realized there was no way this huge truck was going to fit, nor would I be able to fit back in to the space and so I essentially got kicked out of my parking spot.  This isn't funny, it’s a "who does that?" story. 




Last weekend was Briana's bachelorette party in Newport, RI.  Being the planner that I am, I can't remember the last time I went on vacation and didn't have to do ANYTHING.  (Actually, I can remember, and it was when my mother planned the trip.)  My parents picked me up from the airport to bring me to Banana's and then just got into the car and relaxed.  I didn't need to know how to get there or where we were going.  Jessica, Briana's sister, had already gone shopping, got decorations and had planned the weekend.  It was lovely.

Me: I don't think I've ever been on vacation where I have done absolutely nothing.
Dena: Remind us to invite you to more things.




Dena, Briana's BFF, drove us to RI.  Halfway there, we stopped for Subway, and then she kicked into hyper gear.  Which is unfortunate, because this is when I tried to catch up on some sleep. 
Dena: We're here!
Me: YOU HAVE BEEN SAYING "WE'RE HERE!" FOR THE LAST 45 MINUTES!  WE ARE NOT HERE!
Though, actually we were only 5 minutes away, which was a good enough moment to actually open my eyes and start paying attention. We were staying on the "Main" street - Thames.

Dena: We're looking for Thames.
Me: Are you saying that right?
Dena: Thames? Tames? OH! is it THUMESS?
Me: Yes.  I do believe it's pronounced thumess.  Let's try that today. 

Dena: I think I'm getting old.
Briana: I know!  Sometimes loud music is too loud for me. 
Let's get this crazy Bachelorette Weekend going then!

After blowing up a couple of air mattresses and getting everything out of the cars, we decided to go for a beer and wine run. 
Dena: This is so relaxing!
(passing by a construction area)
Briana: Oh yeah, Bang bang bang, so relaxing!

Me: So - where's this engagement ring we have been hearing so much about?
Briana: I've never worn it. I'm going to try to sell it.




We were all sporting Captain Morgan tanks on Friday night, and we made sure to get some shots of Banana with her favorite beverage throughout the weekend.




We also did a little pre-gaming and then walked to dinner.  As we were walking Dena and I got several call outs by strangers like, "How's that rum, Ladies?" to which Dena got slightly offended until I mentioned that, hey, we are wearing Captain Morgan shirts.  :)  When we got to the restaurant, we immediately beelined to the ladies room, which had gigantic mirrors, in  the stalls - which I thought, was disturbing.  And one of us said, "Great.  I peed my pants already."

I'll try to speed up the telling of this story.  After dinner, we stopped at a place called "Buskers" which was pretty slow and empty and created the catch phrase, "That's so Buskers."  I, naturally, stopped at Starbucks.  Then we stopped by a more hip-happening location and the first think Dena said was, Who wants to get a cock?” her colorful way of asking who wanted an adult beverage.  The last two ladies of our party arrived at that point.  These two ladies had offered me a ride back from Newport with the caveat that one of the ladies was basically a chain smoked and I would smell like an ash tray when I got out of the car.  They were joking around, saying that they had exaggerated, which only made me push it to the point where they were not only chain smokers they probably had a mouth full of dip right the moment.   One of these ladies also said, "Wow, Briana!  This is great! I don't have friends like this!" and I said, "You don't even know us!" 

Denise: There was an Asian Pizza place selling gyros.
Briana: I don’t trust restaurants that specialize in more than one thing.
Me: Are you sure it wasn’t a Greek place?




Dancing was hot and sweaty.  On the way back from the bar, I watched a guy back up in his car, slowly backing into a chick in high heels, as a cop lady, on foot, was yelling, "STOP!"  He was not having a good night.  The following morning, we got up and headed to the beach.  The sand was lovely.  The sea was red.  Let me put it this way, if a thousand Elmo's were murdered in the ocean, this is what it would look like.  Early in the day it was still swimmable, but it got thicker as the day went on, and I couldn't get the dead Elmo image out of my head. 




We all went to the "Clam Shack" for lunch - with basically my worst nightmare of a food option.  Waiting 40 minutes in the sun to order the one non-fish item knowing that no matter what, that food was going to have touched seafood.  I gulped down a beer and tried not to think about it.   When we got back to the beach, ladies were talking about books. 
Briana: I can't believe they are talking about books.
Me: I know! Don't they know this is YOUR weekend and you shouldn't have to hear about anything related to reading!? I mean - I have a book in my bag but I refuse to take it out because I don't want to ruin your day. 
Briana (pulling out a magazine.): Ugh.  I've already read this.
Me: And be "read this" you mean...
Briana: I already looked at the pictures.  Yes.  

We got back, changed, went to another bar/dancing location.  Briana wore ridiculous heels and had to switch shoes on the way back.  The important bit here is that she looked fabulous. 




Stephanie:  I have a great idea for a product.
Denise: You should know that all of her great ideas end up already being products. 
Stephanie: Shut up.  I have a great idea.  Wouldn't it be great to have a booth, that you could step into before you got on the beach and you could be sprayed with SPF, or tanning spray...
Dena: or Vodka!
Me: I just googled it.  It does already exist for the SPF and Tanning spray at least.  Not sure about the Vodka. 

Lauren: I just saw a mouse.
Densie: Are you SURE it was a mouse?
Dena: Maybe it was an ant. 
Lauren: I'm not saying it definitely was a mouse... but it was grey, and furry, and it ran that way. 

Dena: That it!  Who put a perfectly round hole into my air mattress!?
Me: Seriously?  You ripped this whole into the air mattress when you pulled the tab off. 
Dena: Oh.
Denise: I want an apology. 

I really enjoyed being chill and relaxed until... Sunday, when my real personality showed up and I wanted to start organizing our day.  This included me making sandwiches for everyone so we could a) use the cold cuts Jessica brought b) didn't have to waste time finding a restaurant later and c) I didn't have to go back to the clam shack.  Then I steamrolled everyone into deciding what we were doing.  Eventually, we went to the Breakers, had a sandwiches on the grass, did a bit of the cliff walk and then went shopping.  While we were at the Breakers, there was a little kid on the top of the stairs outside who, with hands over his head, said "YO, ADRIEN!" Briana and I agreed that we should have invited him to the party. Later while we were shopping, I heard this 5 year old explain to his little brother, "Swordfish are really dangerous because they could poke your eye out."  True Story. 

Sign on the Cliff Walk:


Last Day – Sad face



I got to spend Monday with the fam.  Actually, not with Stacey because Maureen had received a call about a meeting at school and managed to convince the school that Stacey would be a better spokesperson for the meeting.  I guess, that's what sister-in-law's are for?   We were joking around about how my dad would often yell at us when we got hurt and how my nephews take similar tactics. 

Kid to crying kid: What were you running for anyway?
Maureen: Could you at least give him a hug?

Maureen: I remember falling, getting yelled at and trying desperately to get Mom thinking. "She's in the house somewhere - on the phone."

In reference to his older brother throwing watermelon rinds into the trash bins outside without trash bags:
7 year old: Do you do that at home?
9 year old: No.
7 year old: What do you do at home?
9 year old: I put it in the trash in the house.
7 year old: So... ?
Little brothers are so helpful. 

My parents were having a garage sale to raise money for the lake association.  Kyle, the 7 year old, bought a corn top pipe.  He then proceeded, with pipe in his mouth, start playing poker with his friends when he got up and announced, "I need a drink."  He then filled a gallon sized "cup" with 1/2 full with Iced Tea.  It was going to be a long day of gambling - he needed the caffeine I guess.  

And then... I went back to Seattle!  Give me a day or two and I'll try fill you in on why I was so late with this update.  :)

Here are some ridiculous and old Fred Armisen video bits for your viewing pleasure:




Wednesday, August 22, 2012

Newest Weird Al Fan






I was watching Practical Magic last week when Lucas walked into the living room.
Lucas: Is that Michael Jackson?
Me: No! It's Sandra Bullock.
Lucas:  It looks like Mike.   And Mike doesn't look great.  




I wrote down a quote, "I feel like one of those guys with manure." but do not remember the context.  Maybe, it doesn't need context. 

Wednesday night I went to see Rent with Dr. Rach and Anders.  Prior to the play, we grabbed dinner at Rockbottom.
Me: Have you ever seen Rent?
Anders: No, have you?
Me: Yeah.  I saw it with the original cast on Broadway, but I'm sure this version will be good too. 
Dr. Rach: I don't know if you knew this, but this is actually a sing-along.
Anders: Really?
Me: No, but it will be.  Will you light my caaandeeeeaaaaaaaaeeeeellllllllllllllll!




I had breakfast with Becky on Thursday morning.
Me:  I can't believe you aren't wearing your BFF necklace?
Becky:  I'm not wearing my wedding ring.  I think Jared might take issue if I remembered to wear my BFF necklace but forgot my wedding ring.
Me: I'm not wearing mine either.  Nate tried to make me feel bad for not wearing it all the time, but I'm afraid it's not built for everyday wear and tear.
Becky:  I spent like 2 dollars on it, I'm pretty sure it isn't sterling silver. 
Me: See! By not wearing it, I'm really maintaining the friendship. 

I also brought my coffee into the Original Pancake House.  I then proceeded to pour the non-flavored coffee into the flavored coffee.  When I explained what I was doing, Becky said, "So, you are effectively watering down the good coffee with every pour."  Well, kinda.  I also explained that I often bring outside coffee to breakfast/brunch because I can't be trusted to drive to breakfast sans coffee.  Then I pointed out a specific instance when I did this with some college friends and Nick because very agitated and embarrassed to be with me. 
Me:  I don't know why he got so upset. Unless he was jealous that I already had coffee while we were waiting and he didn't.  I mean, the first thing I do when I sit down is order coffee.
Becky:  Really, you're saving the establishment money because it's free refills and now you aren't going to drink as much.
Me: Where were you last year when this came up!?
Becky:  Maybe you can casually send him an email, open up a conversation, and throw it in.  That's what I do with Jared when I think of better material. 
Me: Or I could put it in the Monday email. 

I bought a new front door for my dad a couple of years ago.  I let him pick whatever door he wanted, but for whatever reason (and I'm TOTES blaming the installation process) it doesn't close properly and you have to slam it every time.  And you know who doesn't bother to make sure it's closed?  His three grandsons who are frequent visitors.  I cannot emphasize enough how much this door annoys my father. 
Me: How's it going?
Frita: That storm door you bought me has a big opening when you don't SLAM it shut.  It couldn't protect us against a gnat, never mind a storm. 
(I was giggling too much to properly apologize.)

You know how banks send you a new debit card every 5 years or so?  Well, 5 years ago, when my card was sent, my mom called to say that it had arrived and I said to just hold onto it, and I would pick it up in a week when I flew home.  The next day, I left my card in an ATM and lost it.  (This was before internet on phones so I was panicking trying to find the number to cancel my phone btw.)  On Wednesday, Momela told me that my ATM card had arrived and I, once again, said just hold on to it, and I'll pick it up next week when I fly home.   That's right, on Thursday night, subconsciously thinking that I no longer needed that card, I left it in a parking meter in Seattle.  I just canceled the card the next day, but then on Saturday, I got a facebook message for an awesome Samaritan who had found my card!  Good Karma all around!




By the way, I was in Seattle on Thursday night to see Weird Al Yankovic with Lucas.  When I told my boss, she could not stop telling everyone - like I should be embarrassed.  Well, ha ha ha, I'm not. Weird Al was highly entertaining - and he was playing at Benaroya Hall, where the symphony plays.  I laughed a lot.  Here was one of the video's I found particularly amusing (he played videos from his show and clips of all the places he's been made fun of in movies and TV from Scooby-doo to Friends to Naked Gun 2 1/2 while he changes costumes for each song.):




On Friday, Kelly and I went to Purple for lunch.  My boss told me to grab a drink at work, which is basically telling me its okay to get a flight of Riesling, but I was still nervous about someone walking by and seeing 8 glasses between Kelly and I at 12:30 in the afternoon.  When the waiter came to take our order with an upside down horseshoe on his belt:
Kelly:  Do you know about horse shoes and that if they are upside down all the luck falls out?
Waiter: That is only true if you believe in it.
Me: Sure, only, it really is true. 
Waiter: I'm going to go get your drinks.
Me: Good Luck!
  
When he came back:
Waiter: I made it back okay.
Me: Super. 
Waiter: This is how it's supposed to be buckled. 
Me: I'm not sure if that's true. 
Waiter: No, see, the button part is supposed to be on that side.
Me: That's true for guys, but women have it on the opposite side.
Waiter:  It was my grandmother's belt. 
Me: Mystery solved. 
Waiter: I'm gonna wear it like a MAN!
(and your grandmother is probably rolling in her grave that you're wearing that belt upside down.)




Later that evening, I met up with some folks from work.  When I arrived, I greeted folks with, "Hi! I'm Tiffany! I work with you."  That's normal.  I also invited BDug along.
Me: I'm bringing a friend because he's a sad panda.
Kelly: Great! I love Panda's!

The topic of BDug's finger came up, and as Humberto was making up something funny about BDug's digit, BDug interrupted to correct him.
Humberto: Wait! I'm telling a story. 




Later when BDug announced he had a headache and thought it might be a tumor.
Humberto: You're going to be really strong like John Travolta!
(I'll let you connect the dots on your own on that one.  :P)

At the second bar, we were all sitting inside when we decided it was quite warm and moved to the seating outside.  We failed to tell the waiter so he ran outside panicked and was very relieved to see we had just relocated.
Humberto: It's a little game called we don't pay.

The whole time, there was a couple in their late 40's making out inside the bar.  When we looked inside, we saw a guy sitting at the bar, who looked like Liam Neeson, openly staring at the make out couple.  Kelly started communicating with this guy through the window while Humberto took it a step further.  He went inside, introduced himself to Liam, then  he asked the couple to take picture of Liam and Berto pretending to be Jedi's.  Then, when he retrieved his phone, Berto said to the couple, "You guys have been making out for a while."




Saturday, I took Kelly with me to the Marymoor dog park (and she too, loved the wonder that is the dog park.)  Then we hung out in the pool all day until it was time for Linner.  That was when I rounded up Lucas to go to see Norah Jones.  After we had arrived at Marymoor, I then got a text from Kelly to tell us that she just got invited to the same show, but she wasn't changing out of her "homeless attire."  I reminded her that this was the PNW, and her attire wouldn't be any different than half the people attending.  Lucas and I had great seats and were able to be impressed by the myriad of random and vintage instruments being used (including a little kid piano.)   We decided she was good, but entertainment value dollar for dollar, Weird Al really brought it.  I kinda loved that Luke asked me to go to Weird Al and Norah Jones in the same week.  AND I loved that just yesterday he said, "I've been thinking about it and Norah Jones was really good.  Now that I've had time to let it marinate.  She was really good."  SUCCESS.  




We came home from Norah and watch UHF, featuring the classic comedic genius of Weird Al.  On Sunday, morning I was watching Heathers with the boys.
Me: I never saw Expendables.  How can I see Expendables 2?
Nate: Yeah, you can.  It's like "Who's line is it anyway?” there are no rules and the points don't matter.

A quick trip to the dog park, and before I knew it, it was time for Shana's Deck Christening.  Her Papa built her a new deck; so naturally, we needed to celebrate with champagne.  I was very careful around her parents though because I've gotten in trouble before with Champagne and her parentals.  I also brought Casper to play with us, and I thought he was very good around the 6 other puppies running around.  I'll try to capture as much of the hilarity as I can.

We were talking about Leavenworth, and I said I wanted to go for Oktoberfest, and then we started talking about dirndl's and how slutty the one I wore in Munich last year was.  Then, because Shane thought it was pronounced "Dur-dle" this happened:

Shane: Did you wear a girdle with your dirdle?
Me: No.
Shane: I bet you were really fertile while wearing your girdle and dirdle.
Me: Yes, but I did not have a turtle.
Shane: Wait, I have one more... Did you jump and Hurdles while fertile, carrying a turtle and wearing a girdle and dirdle? 

Fynn, Shane and Cathy's baby is 11 months now. 
Shane: Fynn, what does a sound a lion make?
Me: You don't know.
Shane: Don't embarrass me, Fynn

Later, I picked up Fynn and was walking around with him when I did one of those classic, pretend-to-drop-a-kid-then-they-laugh-because-it's-so-hilariously-surprising, moves.  Turns out, no one has ever showed him this move, and Fynn started crying big time.  This story snowballed until all of the sudden I was throwing a baby down on the deck instead of a bottle of champagne to "Christen" it and make sure that it was sturdy. 




Anders: Don't worry, babies have poor memories.
Laina: Yeah.  I mean he can't even remember what a lion sounds like. 

Dr. Rach was telling us all about her trip to Denmark and Sweden.  We had SO many questions like..
Did you eat any meatballs?
Did you go to Ikea?
Did you eat any fish?
Get a massage?
Did you eat very thin pancakes?
Shane: Get a watch? (I know that's swiss but it's close enough.)
Did you see a Mermaid?
Eat a pastry?
See any Great dogs?
Ask any philosophical questions... like to be or not to be?
Meet and princes?
This went on for a while when I said, "Okay guys, I think I might be tapped."
Shane: Wait, I think I have another one...
Laina: Did you see Claire... Danes?

Laina is dating a new guy who's name was too hard for her to remember so she made a new name for him.  He's in the coast guard.  When asked about what he was doing she said, very specifically, "He's doing something for science." 

Laina and Dr. Rach went to Vancouver last weekend to run a half marathon.  When they got back, Shana had bought Laina a skull ring, "For [actually] following through with something." 

Shana and Laina had gone to a wedding, and at the church they saw a guy reach for the Eucharist when his wife smacked his hand.  When they all sat down for the ceremony, Shana/Laina? turned to the guy and said, "So, I saw you were about to eat the body of Christ as a snack." 

Michael had bought fancy sunglasses for Shana's mom.  They were sitting on the table when Dr. Rach tried one pair on, and then said, "Kelly, you look like you're squinting." 



Later, Kelly was reaching to put the sunglasses back on, but when Laina started to hand her the bottle ones, she said, "No, no, these are much better for my face shape."



Thursday, August 16, 2012

Knock Up Nala Day








We had some glorious weather last week, which was punctuated when I kicked it off with a dinner outside with Dr. Rach.  She just got back from Sweden and Denmark with the fam so I spent a good portion of the evening living vicariously through her and her adventures. 




We wanted to watch a movie later that evening, but instead of helping Lucas get it all set up I just giggled
Lucas: I'm shocking myself.
I did it again
 did it again
Did it again.  There is no way to get back there.
Dawne (the supportive mother): You're pretty funny
Me: When you're in pain.
Lucas: A bit of electrocution. But it's done!




On Tuesday, I had to review two books in under 24 hours.  I don't know why I think it's funny that at 1AM, when I was sending feedback, my co-workers were also responding, and because it was so late, the author in the UK was just starting her day, and was also responding.   Maybe it's not funny, and maybe I shouldn't work that late, because the next morning, I went over to these co-workers and the one guy said, "I can't hear you from all the pavement I'm under."  I really didn't think I was throwing him under the bus at the time... This same co-worker, I have nicknamed "Cyclo".  The first time I called him that he just smiled.  Then two days later, he finally figured it out, "Oh! Because I'm a walking encyclopedia!" When I told Becky, she said I should rename him, "Cyc-Slow." :)

I have also decided to try to play every day at work so I can suck less.  We have been playing multi-player.  I have adorned pink armor, so when I run and jump I am definitely an easy target, but I feel like I'm an easy target no matter what, I might as well look cute.  I played on this head honcho guys' dev kit because mine was working and single handedly ruined his reputation in the matter of 20 minutes - so I have that going for me. 

I participated in some take home tests last week.  My very first one, I signed up for, but thought it was the following day. 
Me: I signed up for the take-home, playtest tomorrow!
Ryan:  Me too!  That's today though.
Me: OMG! I need to go right now.
Ryan: It's only 6:30.  The play test is at 9.
Me: But I need at least two hours to figure out how to turn it on and how the controller works!



It did take me around 2 hours to finally figure it ALL out and make sure it was ready.  Then I had 20 minutes to "relax" so I hung out with Luke and Dawne.  This is when Lucas dialed his dad because he couldn't get the TV on the right input, and handed the phone to me.
Me to Jordan: I just spent 2 hours figuring out how to work the  Xbox on my own, and Luke took 30 seconds, gave up and made ME call you for help.   I don't feel good about this. 



Zach helped me immensely while I was trying to play test.  And by "help" I mean, the game started with me having to get on a warthog, I freaked out, and handed the controllers over. 

Maureen got back from vacation and there was so many good stories.  My favorites were...

They were having particularly greasy pizza.  Naturally, Kyle decided to dip his hair into the grease and then styled his hair with it. 



Maureen said tha on the last morning at Hershey she woke up a little early and went to chocolate world just as it opened (with Patrick) to exchange a shirt. When the Kev and Ky (who hardly ever sleep in) asked where I was (when they woke up at 9ish), her husband Pat said that they were at chocolate world riding the ride and getting chocolate.  Upon hearing this story, Mo told Pat that the reason the boys usually don't sleep in is because they don't want to miss out on anything, so now he can wake up with them at 6am for the rest of the vacation.  (She wanted you to know that she didn't actually  go on the ride without them. She's "not that cruel". )

Kyle also got his "first pet" - a hermit crab, after a lot of dramatic negotiating.   When we facetime'd I got to see it up close and personal because he put it right on top of the camera - Lucky me! 

Did I mention that Kyle, was getting in trouble at school for using his scissors too much.  Maureen felt that since he was so "handy" with scissors, she would give her 7 year old son a pair of scissors and ask him to cut her hair.  The first cut was 4 inches... she looked down and said, "Okay.  Just even it out." 


Last Wednesday was also "Knock up Nala" day.  This is the Baby Daddy: 



I spent Friday night hanging out with Shannon and Nate, watching some West Wing.  Saturday, I grabbed brunch with Shana and her mom, then spent the rest of the day in the sun, reading and generally being a lay-about.  Also watched a bit of Newsroom, and West Wing.  I also watched Zach clean his room.  That's helpful, right? 

Sunday, I was back in the pool, this time joined by Becky and Shannon.  I asked Shannon if she wanted to go see Melissa Etheridge with us.  She said, "what is that?"  So sad. 

Becky and I picked up some picnic stuff, and new bleacher chairs then headed to the Woodland Park Zoo.  When we got there, I tried to unclip the fastener, only it was broken and I ended up cutting the rope with a key.  Like McGyvver.  Then Becky couldn't open her cider without a bottle opener, so we opened it using my Dooney and Burke keychain.  Like a fancy McGyvver.  Then there was an announcement that told us that every time we see a show at the park, proceeds go to the animals.

Becky:  You're saving nature.  How do you feel about that?
Me: I don't feel great about it, Becky.  

After the first song Melissa said, "See! I've been practicing!" then she told us that her pants were falling down.  A guy came out to put a belt on her.  Literally, she was dancing around, while he struggled to put a belt through the loops and fasten it.  She said that she would call him "her gay" but that's weird.  Then after seeing him struggle, she paused and said, "Hmm Maybe I should help? Nah."   

She then played, "I want to come over."  When she was done with that song, she said, "You all know not to take any relationship advice from me right?  I mean, if you listen to me, you'll be in the middle of the street begging to come in.  I mean really.  I had a mullet in the eighties for God's sake." 

I don't know how many of you have been watching Portlandia, but that show is a little too close to the PNW/Seattle than I am comfortable with.  There is a clip with folks at an outdoor concert...


I was telling Becky about this when I looked over and saw...







Wednesday, August 8, 2012

Bird, Horse, Muffin & Dinosaur





On Tuesday the 16 of us tested a potential game for Raymond.  We were supposed to play and give feedback. 

Me: I like games that...
Tim: ruin friendships?
Me: Right, I don't like partners.
Nate: Doesn't play well with others.
Tim: Wait, no, not things that describe Tiffany.  




The first of the interns had to leave last week, so Jordan's company had a party at the house as a farewell and thank you.  Pizza was had, water polo was played.  I didn't play, but after the first game, I heard one young lady, Sally, say, "You're really good.  At one point I felt my top being pulled down and I thought: Well played, Dawne.  Well played."   Casper, the Australian Shepherd, doesn't like when there is rough housing in the pool because, as a natural herder, he has no way of getting everyone to nicely stay together.  He was barking at his highest pitch and at first Zach tried to hold him... but the second attempt; Zach actually just pushed him in.  I wish I could say that I felt another emotion, but really I just thought it was hilarious.   Meanwhile, another young lady was entering the pool when Pam says to me, "Look at the skull!"  I looked over to see what she was referring to and then replied, "I can't believe you basically just said, 'Hurry! Look! It's on that chick’s ass! She's about to get in the pool and I need you to look at the skull before she is submerged in water!"  Ten minutes later, Pam told this young lady that she liked the skull, but the young lady was already in the pool so she looked very confused that Pam was still thinking about her bikini bottoms even though she couldn't see them under the water.  I would also be slightly confused if it wasn't Pam.  :)




Wednesday, I got a manicure with Dawne at lunch where the same lady cut me again.  If it weren't so cheap, I'd think about not going anymore.  After work, Dawne and I went to "Yappier Hour" at the Woodmark Hotel where "Woody" the hotel labra doodle invites his friends to come hang out.  It's happy hour like any other happy hour, only there are puppies and waiters walking around with chicken and hot dogs cut and covered with cheese on silver platters being handed out to the dog patrons.  The water bowls are checked as often as the adult beverages, and as an added bonus, I could watch the sun set over the water, drink in hand, as I watched a bunch of people exercise.   Later, when I told Frita this story in Spanish, he told me, "That is gross".  Apparently, he's more conscious of starving people going hungry while dogs are being served snacks.  Way to be a Danny Downer, Dad. 




Later that evening, a bunch of us went to Marymoor park to watch the Muppets.  We definitely, spontaneously broke into synchronized sway and swing mode on two different occasions.  I was also kind enough to check all of us in on Facebook, which everyone just LOVED.  Although, Tim (obviously joking) said he was not going to confirm that he was with me because apparently I'm a "notorious liar."  Ha Ha Timmy!  But also, fair point.  It's probably best not to confirm the one truth so as not to give credence to the many many falsehoods made in the name of "humor."   The Spanish re-cap of this event ended with Frita saying, " Vive para ver cine y que, los cines son la vida" which I think means: "You live to watch movies and to you, movies are life."  Es verdad. 




On Thursday, Shannon and I watched the Olympics over pizza and then I read a book.  So: dullsville.  I can't remember when, but Lucas and I had a rousing discussion about the merits of the Bird, Horse, Muffin theory of faces.  The basic theory is that everyone's facial features are a combination of two of these.   I was adamant that this couldn't possibly be true because there wasn't a Dinosaur category.  Then I pulled up images of obvious dinosaur faces, all of which were shot down.   I was giggling while simultaneously arguing when Dawne walked by and asked what was going on and I couldn't even begin to explain it to her.  (BTW When I looked this up, there were far more articles referring to this being a personality theory not a facial feature theory - and I will totes bring this up to Lucas when I see him.)




You know how I have that friend at work who needs emotional support, while I always need people to fix my problems for me?  Well, roles were reversed and she needed me to move a fan three inches, so subconsciously, I had to enlist emotional support. 
Me:  There is a yogurt in the fridge that I am 90% sure is mine and I want it for breakfast. 
Christy: How long has it be there?
Me:  A week.  Black Cherry Chobani. 
Christy:  It's probably yours.  Just go get it.
Me:  I went to get it, but there was a casserole dish taking up most of the fridge so I couldn't find it. Panicked, I came back to my desk.   
Christy: Do you need me to go to the kitchen with you and help you get your yogurt.
Me: NO! I'll do it!
Eventually, I did find it, and eat it, but now Christy is making me put my name on all yogurts I bring to work.  Let's never reverse roles again.  (Also, this story didn't happen last week, but Christy was out and about on a boat with a boy last week so I thought I would note that she was, indeed, missed.) 




Maureen took her family to Hershey park.  I got a text message from her that said, "We are apparently intoxicated.  I'm not as nauseous on the round rides. :)"  Followed by, "I lost my kids texting.  Is that bad?"  When I asked her if she found them, she replied, "Of course.  God loves me.  I always do.  He enables me." 




Earlier in the week, I had sent a single text, "I need help doing something ridiculous."  Becky, of course, came rushing to my aid. :)  We grabbed some dinner, then started making video's for Shane.  Unclear what their uses are for, nor did we have any instructions beyond "Ten Seconds on Landscape."  I'm probably not supposed to tell you any more about that project (not that I know anything) but after a couple hours, glasses of wine and 9 videos, Jordan announced that he didn't think we were very invested.  (Not true, we invested in a barrel of monkeys and pastries for the project, but maybe he meant emotionally?)   Either way, turns out we were the only ones who even bothered to make videos so officially we remain the ridiculous champions! 




This weekend we have a fun cousin visit.  Saturday, after taking the dogs for a walk at the park, Uncle Ray and I met Becky and Jared at Pok√©mon to watch the Blue Angels from the balcony.  Then, I had very good intentions of chilling by the pool, cleaning my room, and going to Wade's birthday party.  What I did instead was get a ginormous headache, followed by corresponding nausea which put a damper on my plans.   We can fast forward to Sunday, where I made up for lost time - pool wise - participated in a barbeque and then met Shana, her parents, honorary niece, Jen, Lily, June, Laina, Shane, Cathy and Fynn for Ladysmith Black Mambazo (and the Johnny Clegg band.)  One of our weekend guests was also South African and wanted to join us at the Woodland Park for Zoo Tunes, but by the time I had to leave for the concert, no one wanted to leave the compound, sun or pool/lake. 




The great thing about outside concerts is that it's some of the best people watching ever.  I told Laina, that I would NEVER want to perform for an outside venue, and then I pointedly looked at the lady next to me reading a newspaper.  I also saw one little girl, being held, upside down, but one leg, over a man's shoulder.
Me: I wonder if she like's that.
Shane: I wonder if it's even his kid.

It was probably one of the hottest days of the summer, and as Shana said, a perfect day to see a South African performance as it was as hot as South Africa outside. 
Me: I can't believe that guy is wearing socks.
Shane: Maybe he has halitosis.
Me: Halitosis!?
Shane:  Let me finish.  He has a combo, Halitosis and Hand and Foot disease.  It's probably better he keeps his feet covered. 




Shane:  Do I sound like that guy?
Me: No.  However, that South African that was at the house today totally had the same accent.  He even said, "We" instead of "We're" like you. 
Laina: Do you think Fynn will have an American accent of a South African accent?
Shane: American
Me: Unless you ONLY let him talk to you and Cathy. 
Shane:  Never let him out of the house or have contact with anyone else. That's normal. 
Me: Yea!  Homeschool! You guys are great at Math!
Shane: And Spelling! (Actually, Cathy's pretty good at spelling.)




Jordan’s cousin: Has all summer been like this?
Nate, Zach and I: No.
Jordan’s Cousin: How many days do you get like this?
Nate, Zach and I: Four

Via Text (After seeing that his sister had gone with him to get a tattoo):
Me: I totally want to see pics of your tattoo!!
Roy: I already posted them.
Me: Ooooookaaaay
I guess we’ll just stick to being fb friends then? J






Wednesday, August 1, 2012

Half a Cantaloupe






As I mention eariler, Lucas has decided when he grows up, he's going to buy the Mariners.  A couple of weeks ago, I agreed to take him to a Mariner's game to see "his" team.  Naturally, I chose to bring him to a Yankees game - and imagine my surprise on Monday, when I found out that the only guy anyone knew on the Mariners, Ichiro, got traded.  To the Yankees.  And, of course, when I came home that evening, I patiently waited the appropriate 20 seconds before I shared the news that we'd be watching Ichiro walk on over to our side to play for the Yankees.  I also wore a Pink Yankees hat, and one of the higher ups was appalled and marched off to complain to my boss… to which I yelled after him saying, “That’s not going to make me any less of a New Yorker!”  (I’m still not sure if it was the Yankees hat after the Ichiro trade, or the fact that it was pink.  Either way, I was delighted.)




On Tuesday, because Obama was in town, traffic was ridonkulous, and as we were sitting in traffic, Becky declared, "This is not getting him any votes." 




When we finally started driving over the I-90 bridge, on this oh so bright sunshiny day, Lucas, announced, "It's like the Capri Sun packaging!" When he sensed that I might be apprehensive of his announcement, he emphasized, "People being active and stuff - that's the dream, Tiffany."  Ten minutes later, still on traveling over the bridge, "Oh! The sailboats! It's so Capri Sun, Tiffany!"




We finally arrived, just in the nick of time, and met up with Dr. Rach, her man Anders, and two folks from work Kelly and Kyle.   We didn't sit down, but headed straight for beverages and junk food (so we missed the first two home runs of the game.)  Anders immediately saw a Nacho hat and his emotions shot up so so so high then down ever so low when he realized that they were serving nacho's in the plastic hat, rather than it being a hat that served nacho's straight into your mouth a la a beer hat.  Make that nachos on one side, and nacho cheese from the other tube, and you're sittin' on a goldmine Trebek. 




After seeing one of the players warming up at bat point the bat outwards:
Me: I feel like he's pulling a Babe Ruth, ya know, because he plays for the Yankees. I want to watch that movie again.
Dr. Rach: Oh yeah. Sandlot.

Despite the fact that I always root for the away team when I go to SafeCo field, and I've never lost -- well I guess there had to be a break in my streak some time.  Half way through, Dawne took Lucas and Becky to go shopping. 

Lucas: You know, the Mariners sell the most merchandise of all the teams.
Me: That's not true. Who told you that?
Lucas: Zach did.
Me: He's dyslexic.  Maybe he meant LEAST merchandise. 




On our way home
Me: Your pitchers were terrible.  They HIT two players.  I think they broke A-Rod's hand.
Lucas: Your team was switching pitchers like, as Katie Perry would say, like a girl switches clothes.

I also saw that Becky had posted on FB "Don't tell Tiffany, but I didn't know who was white and who was gray until the 4 inning.) 

When we got back, everyone was hanging out in the living room, recapping our days, and Dawne was on the floor with the dogs when she said to Casper, "Did you know that you are laying in a pillow that cost a hundred dollars?" and no joke, he immediately got up and sat on the other, cheaper, pillow.




On Friday night, I went over to Shana's to celebrate her Papa's birthday.   Before hand, I stopped by Albertson’s got a fancy bagged Caesar salad that got all sorts of accolades.  (Seriously.  It was a little weird.)  I also bought this wine based on the bottle (naturally).  When I got up the checkout line, these Russian's gushed over it and asked me if I had gotten it there (uh, obvi.) and then the wife told me it was a Georgian wine, but it was much cheaper in Russia.  Then the couple fought a bit, and I said something cute about "Not when you add the flight in!" Then, the checkout lady had a whole conversation with me... holding up everyone.  Which gave me almost enough time to invite the cute tattoo guy over to Shana as a present for her - but I got gun shy when I saw a tattoo ring because ya never know if that's married, or a doh, not married anymore but I'll always have this to remind me of my ex.  Sorry Shana. 




Now I'm going to proceed to tell you what Laina said all evening to make me laugh until I cried a little.  First, she made Jamie fetch her a plate of food.  Then, plate in hand, she yelled loud enough for all to hear, “I have a question.  Who has a BBQ without relish!?" and then, just to me, in complete confidence, "I love her, but sometimes I have to threaten our friendship."




Jamie's cousin was in town.  I'm not even sure she said anything to Laina, but one look and I heard
Laina: Turn your head! You do not want to turn into me.  (Pause) Actually I'm pretty good at staffing.
Shana: "I'm kind of a saint in that way."

Me: Stop telling Shana's dad to get you drinks.
Laina: Hey! Leave me alone.  I don't have a dad because he died and it's Harry's birthday and he sanctioned this. So there.
Sound argument... I mean it left me speechless. 

The corn was delicious, I ate it off the cob.  Laina did not.  She declared the corn didn't taste quite as sweet as it could be because Laina didn't have her switchblade on her.




Finally, Laina also said, "I'm doing well except for Monday (looking at me) when my reputation will be ruined again."
At least I'm consistent! 

I had been lobbying for a guy at work to get "Chief of the Week" and I was so sure that he was going to win, I made him Brookies and said, "I think you are going to have a GREAT day."  But he was so incredibly paranoid about me doing something nice, that he refused to eat any.  He also complained all day that I was torturing him.
Tyler: How do you KNOW that I'm going to have a great day.  I could stub a toe.  Or swallow a pencil.
Me: Do you even have any pencils at your desk?
Tyler: I have two!
Me: Well, SPIT THEM OUT.
Me: Honestly, I can't believe you would rather swallow a #2 Ticonderoga rather than a Brookie. 

(It took me 15 minutes to tell my dad this story in Spanish.)




I forgot to mention that Kathi actually gave a reason why she doesn't like water.  She said that German's favor U-Boats, and when you see water in a U-Boat, there's a problem.  Seriously, how could you not love that girl? 

My 7 year old nephew, Kyle: I went on an upside down rollercoaster.
Me: Did you want to go on it or did your mommy make you?
Kyle, ever the diplomat: Um, Mommy wanted me to go on it. 
Me: Yeah.  That's how I ended up on my first upside down rollercoaster too.  Will you be going on anymore?
Kyle: I don't think so.  




Maureen was cleaning up the house when she noticed what Kevin, the 8 year old, volunteered to bring in: Half of a cantaloupe, cut up.  When Maureen asked why he volunteered to bring this particular snack, he said, "Because that's what we already have in the fridge.  You remember.  We already ate the other half."  

Saturday, I got up, watched the opening ceremonies of the Olympics.  Then we went out to lunch and to the car show in Kirkland.  After which, we got stuff for a picnic so we could join Jared and Becky on Mercer Island for Shakespeare in the park.  (I love that guy! (Will that is.))  Sunday, I went in the pool with Dawne, followed by watching Lakeland's own Melissa Gonzalez play Field Hockey in the Olympics!


 Watching everyone run around must have been exhausting, because immediately after that I through a load of laundry in and accidentally fell asleep for 3 hours.  Any other time that I might have left out of this week's story I can, with complete confidence, say was spent reading (two random books and a Halo novel) or watching That 70's show. There.  Now you know everything.  Except for...

When Dawne and Jordan were on vacation many many moons ago, they saw a bunch of goats standing on the side of a very steep hill.  When Dawne asked how they did that, Jordan told her, "See, they have Right facing goats and left facing with one side of their legs being shorter depending on what facing they are.  If they want to go up the mountain they need to do so in large winding circles and it is VERY important that Left facing and Right facing goats never ever mate (for obvious reasons.)"