Olympic Wannabees

Guess what I found in Vancouver?

Lucas: Hey, I recognize that voice.  It’s that guy.  The voice of God. 

T O’B: Yes, it’s the guy you think sounds like God (Morgan Freeman.) I think God sounds like James Earl Jones.

Lucas: But no matter what we agree that God is black right?

T O’B: Oh ya.  Definitely.

Maureen had Stacey’s coffee machine in her hands as she was leaving Sean and Stacey’s the other night when Bailey said “Hey! That’s Mom’s coffee machine!” and Mo replied “Yea, aren’t you glad I didn’t go up to your room tonight?”

The Girls were over at Mo’s the other day and when playing in the snow was suggested Bailey calmly responded “Oh I don’t know.  I am kind of a fan of being warm.” 

Rach and I took a last minute trip up to the Olympics on Saturday.  We left at 4 am which meant that we were the only ones at the border.  The security guy took the liberty to entertain himself with a multitude of questions including what we did for a living.  I told him I was unemployed and after perusing my passport pointed out “You sure have been to a lot of places.  How did you manage that?”  Me: “Well I’m not ALWAYS unemployed.” Security: “I just have one more question. You’re a PT? Can you tell me what I should do about my hamstring?”  So basically we couldn’t leave until Rach gave some medical advice.  Not that he was abusing his power at all. 

We were looking for a place to eat breakfast and discovered a packed (restricted) restaurant filled with Olympians.  We spend the whole day whispering “Olympian, Not Olympian” and I’m sure we were correct every time.  A sweet couple who ran a hotel gift shop started our day off on the right foot.  First they mentioned that they had official Olympic mittens.  I immediately said we both wanted them (even though Rach didn’t understand the value at the time) and then for the rest of the day people were jealous of our mittens (even in the 60 degree sunny weather).  They actually told us they were jealous and asked us where to get them.  This wasn’t one of those Tiffany thinks everyone is jealous of her moments.  In fact while we were on the train these ladies asked us multiple questions about the mittens, where to get them, how long we were in town and then as they were leaving slipped in “and what hotel room are you staying at?” 

The sweet couple also drew us a map of Vancouver and then highlighted the route in red of where the 6 dollar all day parking was.  After we parked, we asked another hotel concierge (my go-to knowledge bank when I’m in a foreign land) about the bus schedule and how to get to the stadium.  She made some phone calls and wrote down the line we were supposed to take.  As we were looking around a seemingly homeless, but perhaps just scraggily gentlemen explained that we weren’t looking for a bus, we were looking for a train.  When we found the train and bought the tickets we were never asked to produce the evidence of our purchase.  I asked a Canadian later that day what was up with the trains and she explained that they use THE HONOR SYSTEM.  At one point they thought about putting a turn style but figured people are generally good and they’ll do the right thing.  I was easily counting up the reasons why NYC will never host the Olympics.     Oh I had never seen Canada without the rest of the continent but when I saw the below picture all I could think was America’s Hat!

When we got to the curling event we tried to sell our extra ticket and we got “You’re not a very good business person are you? And do you baby-sit?”  There was also a guy selling American, Chinese and Canadian Flags. At this point we still knew nothing about curling, who or how many were competing nor did we know if “playing” was an acceptable term—but we certainly couldn’t ASK anyone.  “Hi there! What’s all the commotion about? Is there some kind of event going on? Oh! The Olympics you say? What’s that?”    Luckily, there was a guy from Great Britain who sat next to us and explained curling until we were able to smack talk him.  The people from Sweden were decked out (no matter if they were in the street or in the stands) with full make up and wigs—just excited to be there.  Which made me feel bad for them when they forfeited to the Russians when they were behind by 9 points—who gives up at the Olympics?  I mean you’ve come all this way you might as well finish right?  Maybe they had some where to be. 

At one point the wave started in the stands and the GBR guy said “Oh. This is SO American” and in between my WHEEEEEEEEEE’s I discussed the merits of such an awesome practice.  Oh there was also a conversation while we were watching that went like this

There is an Olympian here…

Where?

There is an Olympian here that is pregnant.

Want to take mean guess as to which one it is?

Did I mention that the US won in overtime against GBR? J

Later as we were walking in the street a woman stopped in her tracks, grabbed her boyfriend and pointed to the ground saying “Look! Look!” And then I heard another passerby say “That’s what we here in Canada like to call a Pine Cone.”

Me holding two coffee’s one hand and the Olympic Flame in the other—Typical day for T.

In an atypical day… I had a very traumatic, life threatening day on Friday.  As I was switching the fish into a clean fish bowl, the fish accidently fell down the drain.  Luckily there is a garbage disposal.  Not liking the idea of touching said fish (or any fish) I grabbed a ladle, filled it with water and then scooped the fish into the ladle and then into the new bowl.  By the time I got back on Sunday the fish was dead.  Sorry Nate.  And sorry this is how I told you. 

For all of my pictures both epic and not epic you can see them here:

http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=199937&id=703236350&l=693f785169

Trivial Pursuits

Got to have a snow day with the parentals on Tuesday—which meant Canasta and trivia shows (I know, you’re jealous.)  I personally prefer Cash Cab b/c I can answer those questions.  The one episode had a guy get in the cab and not only was it his first time in NY but it was his very first taxi ride, and then he got three strikes and ended up being kicked out of the cab.  Welcome to New York!

Stacey called outraged that Sean’s company was having everyone stay in the city so that they could make it to work which means that while she was taking care of the kids and shoveling the snow Sean would be gallivanting all night with tasty dinner and Ranger games… I replied “and work.”  She said that wasn’t the point to which I said “actually I think that is the point.”  She actually sounded surprised that I would defend him… and even more displeased when my mother called 5 minutes later to say “I heard my wonderful son is being forced to stay downtown and go to a Ranger game.”  Hello Salt, meet Wound.

We all went over to Sean and Stacey’s for dinner on Thursday.  Mo had called Stacey and offered to make cookies-- that it would really be no trouble at all.  Mo proceeded to show up with a package of Keebler’s (while Stacey was making homemade cookies for Jackie’s cookie exchange) saying that Stacey had rushed her by moving the start time up by 15 minutes.  God love her.

I headed out to PA on Friday.  My parents had taken their extra car in to be checked and fixed up before I left so I was surprised when I got 10 minutes on the Taconic and the engine light went on and my speed dropped to 30mph.  Now I know what “limp home mode” means.  I don’t know about you, but I have a tendency to speak to my car like a beloved friend with lots of “Come on Baby, we can do this” and “Remember all of those good times?  The blizzard of 08?  The trip to such and such? We got through that and we can get through this, just a lil bit further honey.” And we did.  When we got to the mechanic the guy who looked like he was my age asked if I was on my way back to school.  (SCORE!)  Technically I was headed back to for my first time back to State College since graduation, but I just said naw.. wedding actually.  24 hours later I was served at the bar, while Julie next to me was carded. 

Watched the Opening Ceremonies on Friday night with Nick and Julie—and reached new lows in my morally incorrect remarks, so I basically had a blast.  We then headed out for my first time out to Pittsburgh for Sarah B’s wedding.  I got to meet her whole family, and while it might not be politically correct for me to say so, Sarah is definitely the most attractive of her whole family—and with her being the 2^nd eldest of 10, that is no small feat. J  The wedding was lovely—perfect. Really and truly.  But that doesn’t mean I’m not going to complain about something.  Her sister’s speech opened up to confirm everything that Sarah has ever told me about her older sibling.  The speech recited how Sarah was 12 months and 6 days younger and how all growing up Sarah had always  done everything 12 months after Alaina. So when Sarah wasn’t married 12 months after her sister (Sarah was 22 at the time) everyone was just so surprised! And 7 years later… she finally found the perfect prince.  I think I can definitively say that actually the freaky schedule was actually her older sister and that Sarah in fact has had perfect timing. 

Mo takes the kids to the club with her and puts them into the energy center while she works out.  Well she puts the older kids into the energy center.  5 and below have to go into a different location with a place for babies and toddler and younger toys.  Kyle calls this “The Crying Room”—and basically can’t wait until he graduates to the other side. 

After sitting on the tarmac for 2 ½ hours before flying back to Seattle last night I got my bags and then got a call from Erika Jane.  I was still on the phone when my ride showed up so I asked her to hold on before I said to the driver “I need to go to the Weisman’s.  Do you know where that is?”  Erika immediately asked “Did you just ask a taxi driver if he knew where the Weisman’s lived?  I knew you got a lot of visitors but DAMN!” (And just like Seinfeld I just brought it around full circle.)

Hope you have a great weekend—love ya!

Blizzard Bunny

I cannot believe you all missed the opportunity to send this to me before I left for NY:

As you may already know, I like to wait until the last minute to pack and prepare for travel.  So, when Monday morning came around and I realized (okay my mommy called me) that there was a blizzard headed to NY from two different directions on Wednesday and I had to move my trip up by a day, I was completely thrown into a panic of shopping, canceling, scheduling, packing and calling--while enjoying the last moments of 58 degrees and sunny.  All so I could arrive in NY and wait for the storm. How funny would it be if it never even arrived… oh how we would laugh! 

(This of course was written last night before I actually did get snowed in and played canasta all morning with Mo and my parents.)

That was for you Kristy.  Had a couple people over for the Super Bowl—primarily made up of ladies, which didn’t surprise me all that much b/c I only asked people over b/c Jen knows how to make an amazing cake. J

Last week Rach and Jen really stepped up to the plate to entertain me.  Rach took me out on the town which is when I realized that I am incapable of sitting at a table when people get up to go to the bathroom without checking my phone, facebook or email.  I am sure this is connected to some deep rooted insecurity and that kills me! I now admit that I am a self-proclaimed slave to technology.  I am deeply addicted to my phone and it has nothing to do with the fact that it is a crackberry.  I also went for an ill advised walk with Jen at Discovery Park (it was sooooo nice out!).  I had a lovely time…but then when I went to stand an hour afterward I almost crumbled under the pain.  It was totally worth it. 

While we were grabbing coffee after the walk—Lucas texted me to tell me that he was going to be giving a girl some guitar lessons.  Jen immediately ask “Is that what they are calling it these days?” which I then stole and sent to him as if I was the funny one. 

Seriously—I can’t believe how much I want to snack every time that show comes on… Speaking of snacks, based on our recycling bins the only thing Luke and I eat is Pizza and Special K respectively… and a whole lot of it.  I accidently fell into an argument with Lucas the other day.  You never want to get into an argument with a teenager if you can help it—but I just couldn’t help myself.  He said that people like Beyonce who perform the same concert every night aren’t real musicians.  He continued to say that if they practice than they have no power, and if they don’t improvise than there is no emotion.  Can you blame me? He was clearly poking the bear.  And not in that way that Mike “Gonzo” Mulvihill does when he’s mocking how single I am.  And that leads me to a Valentine’s Day Wedding…

I feel like I have used this someecard before… but really? I can’t emphasize it enough.  Mo suggested I get hammered and then compliment a hot guy’s eyes and then fall out of my chair.  I told her that just b/c it worked to land her a husband… it doesn’t mean it will work for me.  Although, that doesn’t mean I won’t give it my best shot. 

I gotta be honest with you—I’ve been watching Runaway Jury the entire time I’ve been writing this… so I have a feeling it’s not all that great—in fact I’m so afraid that it’s not very good… I don’t want to re-read it and find out… so I’m just going to flit out saying Happy Early Valentine’s Day folks!

Calendar Girl

Sometimes people get lonely and sad and they mope around all day being pathetic and whiney about how they wish their lives were different.  These people never shared their google calendar with their nearest and dearest and pushed the responsibility off of their own solders and onto those people who are always saying that they love me (I mean “said person.”) Dawne is out of town for basically February.  Something about being allergic to the state of Washington and needing “sunshine” –as if my charming personality wasn’t enough sunshine for her.  I hope she has a lovely time.  But this does mean that the burden of keeping me entertained (that Dawne has thus far been carrying virtually all by herself) is now falling to you.  I don’t expect any one person to take it all on—I think it’s fair that you take shifts.  Whatever you can fit in to your schedule—and to help coordinate, facilitate, and to ensure I don’t forget, I’ll get the calendar ready.  

Luke has really been wanting to have someone show up when we are talking about them so we can say “Speak of the Devil.”  This seems to require us to talk about people all the time… which I think is the real flaw in his plan.  

Hey Julie! I want to be the first one of many to send you this card:

Becky hosted a lovely Pajama Party (Roy suggested I show up naked and say “Hey, this is how I sleep.”) where I sufficiently proved that not only do I know Clueless in and out—I also still use several key phrases on a daily basis.  Speaking of which… why was I not told that Brittany Murphy died!?  And more importantly, why didn’t anyone make any someecards or witty facebook comments about this?  I don’t like knowing that my news source has some cracks in it.  At least I knew about Salinger…

I feel like I have been finding out a lot of information lately that I was the last to know and not just with Brittany.  I feel like Pheobe “Yuh-huh! I was the last one to know when Chandler got bitten by the peacock at the zoo. I was the last one to know when you had a crush on Joey when he was moving in.  Looks like I was second to last.”  I think you all could help me out by just reaching into your lives and just writing me about whatever it is you think I might not know… or just something that’s interesting—b/c chances are I’m completely clueless about it and would like to hear about your life.  You can start thinking about it now—I won’t be insulted that you didn’t respond until at least tomorrow.

In return I’ll share with you something I found in my old diary.  I was reorganizing and found the diary that basically I write in once a year—but in college for at least 2 weeks I was pretty diligent (mostly b/c I wanted to see how long I could write like Bridget Jones.)  As I was flipping through I saw “I did the most embarrassing thing today—I told Erika but I definitely can’t tell anyone else.”  I know! I had to read further too! Apparently I was tutoring one night and I must have had a cold b/c I ran to get a tissue before the next student came in and put it in my pocket just in case.  As I was tutoring, my nose started to run so I reached into my pocket, wiped my nose, and kept helping with the speech.  Ya—turns out I reached into the wrong pocket and wiped my nose with a dollar bill.  And I didn’t even blink—I don’t even want to know what the other person was thinking.  Okay… now your turn. 

I did a couple FIMO projects yesterday—I remembered it being a lot more fun the last time I did it.  But the three serving spoons I got at goodwill have been far improved from the dull life that they had been leading.  Next project is Batiking… I’m hoping that it captures Luke’s attention beyond the first session… but we’ll see—I gotta pick up the fabric today.

Pink was pretty amazing last night on the Grammys (though she did all that and more at the concert—I think I need to see her again—I simply cannot get enough of her.)  Actually it was a double hitter of favorites as TBC was also amazing on Friday night—so was hanging out with the lovely people who came out to see them with me.  Maybe when you start filling out my calendar you can add concerts b/c I need more music in my life (see? Even though I’m high maintenance I’m also very helpful—there are worse combinations.) 

Oh! And my lil kid story for the week…. Kevin came into the kitchen the other day with his red hair spiked straight up singing in the deepest small child voice “I’m Mr. Heatmiser…”  I can’t believe Mo didn’t get a picture but I’ll let you make the connection with this doppelganger image:

The last one was just for fun… ya know—my godson with a box on his head.  Comic Gold.

I’m also stealing something from another little kid and not only will I be using it all the time… I’m going to claim it as my own (as if I didn’t just tell all of you where it came from.)  From now on the word “Evil” will be replaced with “Voldemort.”  As in… “Oh man, that was SO Voldemort.”  Now you can go forth and have a lovely Monday--

Weight a Second...

In the epitome of getting news from other mediums other than the news, I was informed of the elections via a facebook post by Jen of a video from the Daily Show http://www.thedailyshow.com/watch/mon-january-18-2010/mass-backwards  , which I then followed with this someecard.  A trifecta of my absurdity—and yet I am the wiser for it. 

When my sister and brother in law were plagued with stomach flu, my 7 year old nephew Patrick got his younger brothers up, fed them breakfast, entertained them all day and put them to bed.  When Mo asked what time they got to sleep he replied “I got the kids to sleep at 7:30, but I had to keep going in to shut the light off so I didn’t get to sleep until a later.”  

Kristy Kreme texted me today, and ya I’m making that a news item.  The conversation went like this:

KKB: Is donating blood a weight loss technique?

TO’B: Nope.  It regenerates too quickly.  And by too quickly, I mean it’s a miracle how God has created such an efficient vessel.

KKB:  Darn.  There’s always a blood bus on campus.

TO’B: It’s still a nice a gesture but one of the questions asks about tattoos and traveling to Africa.

KKB: The tattoo thing always disqualifies me.

T O’B: They are pretty picky considering they are just going to test the blood first anyway IMHO.   I think a good stomach virus is still the way to go.

KKB:  I agree with both points.

If only we lived closer to Mo and Pat.  (And yes, we are always looking for the easy way out.)  My friend just lost 80 pounds (the hard way.)  She told me that she keeps pictures of her old self on her phone, and when waiters give her a hard time about the way she is ordering she pulls it out and says “Listen buddy, I just lost 80 pounds—do you want to be the reason I go back to looking like this?  I didn’t think so.  Now get me that grilled chicken with the sauce on the side.”  

I invited myself to hang out with some friends on Saturday.  I’m starting to think I need to do this more often.  Waiting around for an invitation is depressing—imposing oneself on others, not at all depressing.  Before we got to their place, we stopped for dinner.  When we arrived they asked if we were hungry (we did say we had eaten) and would we like to go to Cactus (where we had just walked from.)  I immediately said that was totally cool (careful not to mention we had already been.)  We walked over, waited for a table, were telling funny airplane stories when the manager walked by and said “are you planning on staying here all night?”  I casually said, “I think I just might” and asked Shane to continue his story.  I still think I could have gotten away with the plan if it were just Shane and I, but Cathy got curious.  Apparently now Cathy believes I can’t be trusted.  I can’t believe it took her this long to figure that out. 

Hit up the aquarium this weekend.  It is a lot less stressful when you aren’t losing a kid in there (it was just the one!)  I took a picture of the puffin’s and sent it to Evivova b/c when we first went to Maine as kids we thought a bird named “Puffin” was hilarious—and those “No Puffin” with the cigarette sign on it sent us into fits of giggles.  I asked if she needed me to get her the onesie that said “Stud Puffin” now—she asked if it was versatile… b/c the way her life was going she might be able to shove it on a cat.

Dawne and I couldn’t find Benodryl Quick Strips anywhere (apparently they stopped making them which is a travesty b/c they are so convenient and work so incredibly well)—so naturally I begged my mother to look in NY for them.  She asked what I needed them for—and when I told her sometimes a get all itchy when I touch dust she said okay.  But when I said and then sometimes Dawne stops breathing, she said she’d take a look.  She woke me up this morning at 7 with the amazing news that she had found 14 boxes to which I said “thanks mom”.  When I called her back at 9 (when I was awake) I enthusiastically said “THANKS MOM!”  I told her I haven’t been getting any sleep and she said she didn’t care at all.  I said kinda figured.  She also complained that I had yet to give her the pictures that the wonderful and perfect Dawne had taken of their anniversary party.  There was some minor back and forth with me threatening to not send the Valentine’s Day card I made her, and she threatened to send Dawne some Benodryl and she would cut all of my Benodryl into cute (but unusable) heart shapes.  Can you feel the love?

A new guy is staying at the brown house.  He’s basically a stranger that is going to work for Jordan in some capacity while staying here and using the van for three months (oh and he’s married so he’s useless to me.)  Jordan introduced him to Dawne and I as we were in pajamas in her bedroom.  When Jordan asked her to drive new guy to work, she (jokingly) asked is that what time I usually get up?  Then… the next morning she got a really bad migraine and couldn’t drive new guy.  AWK-WARD.  We haven’t actually seen him since. 

So… I know I stole the term “Hurty” from Shana, but after using it with my new PT—it’s now going into her vocabulary—FTW! At first I was ashamed and embarrassed b/c I do have a larger vocabulary—but then I realized she thought it was cool.

And I’m going to sign out with this invitation:

The Barefoot Contingent at the Q Cafe

Time: 7:30PM Friday, January 29th

Location: 3223 15th Avenue West, Seattle WA

The show order is:
The Head and The Heart
The Barefoot Contingent
Lower Lights Burning
Cost: $8

Hope you can come!

Gimpy Gertrude

I started writing my “How to Apply Heat Well” book today.  I think at least two recipes would be perfect for a football party if I had an inkling of excitement for football (I like to record the game and fast forward to the commercials) or any will to be social.  I believe I *could* get as excited as that chick for a good wedge…but they don’t have deli’s out here in Seattle—which makes my stomach cry. 

 

That is… as soon as I figure out what a Black Russian is.  Though I am certain that I am more likely to drink dark beer today than to drink my coffee black… and I don’t know why I’m continuing this train of thought… probably b/c I already wasted the really gook MLK cards last week.  I also started physical therapy for my foot last week (I only cried a lil after telling him that I couldn’t relax b/c he terrified me.)  I went for round two today… and after consulting Dr. Rach, I am switching therapists.  I can’t believe it’s been 10 weeks and I’m still a Gimpy Gertrude.  And don’t worry I have a card for what you’re thinking:

 

I’m still following the Conan drama… and therefore this card really touched my heart:

I have been on the phone with a lot of airlines lately… and I’m thoroughly displeased.  After one call I realized it would cost me less to cancel a ticket and rebook than to pay the change fee.  Another just bounced me around for a while—all in attempt to get an email confirmation resent.  The one that really got me upset was calling on behalf of Marisa and her ill husband—trying to change their flight so that he wouldn’t give an entire cross-Atlantic flight a stomach virus only to find that even with a doctor’s note the change would cost them 1200 dollars per person to switch to the next day. And I still need to make a couple more reservations… which I am thoroughly looking forward to.  In the words of Cathy Brigg Small: “Ggeeesh.”

Zach told me that he had a painting assignment recently—the first since, well, finger painting in kindergarten.  He didn’t want to mix the colors at all, so if it required black, but all he had was purple, well then purple hair, birds and tires it is.  When the teacher asked if it was his first project he replied “Oh no, I’ve been doing this for yeeeears.”  Her response?  “You know Zach, you’re quite funny.”   He also called to ask for some “necessary items” like foam swords.  When I asked why he needed them he said “To fight with, Duh.  Who doesn’t need foam swords.”

I tried out all of the Zynga games on Facebook this week.  They don’t float my boat at all.  I don’t need any game telling me what to do—especially when to do it.  And then, knowing how captivating these applications are to people—I started wondering what was wrong with me.  And then I said, wait, there’s nothing wrong with me.  I just need more thinking, a challenge… or at the very least a story or social interaction.  Give me a game of Scrabble with Sheelin, even when I’m losing miserably over YoVille any day.  The good news? I won’t be addicted any time soon.  The most attention grabbing was Janette’s poker game, but after continuously getting hit on during the game—I left the table.  Turns out my golden boobs picture wasn’t the only attention grabbing image in my arsenal. 

I forgot to have coffee yesterday.  Actually I had three cups—but it was decaf.  By 3pm I was so sleepy I had to take a nap—and now we know—without coffee I would rather be unconscious.