Maggots are not Magical

Janette told me the other day that I am her sole source of news, which is funny given that my sole source of news is someecards.com.  So to make sure that Janette is in the know I promised to post this clip:  Colbert Does Congress

Also they guy who invented the Segway died riding a segway off of a cliff.  Despite the jokes, I cannot find any confirmation that an anvil fell on his head after he landed…but here’s your card.

Maureen was handing back some tests on Monday with the caveat “I kinda spilled coffee all over these papers so they might be a little discolored.  I bet Mrs. O’Brien used to do that all the time last year huh?” and then they all had a nice hearty laugh.  (I realize this is only funny to people who know Maureen and Stacey, but hey, maybe one day you’ll be lucky to meet then and all will be right with the world.)

Justin Ziran has convinced me that the only way that I will be successful in love is to meet, marry and have babies with a man before he finds out about my rather large and intimidating network of friends and family.  See? It’s totally a good idea to get life advice from your former boss turned bff.  In fact, I might never ask anyone else for advice again seeing as his insight not only identifies the problem succinctly, he also gives an immediate solution and plan of action.  *Love* him.

I asked Frita if he was working on something for his CCD class and he said “Don’t call it CCD that’s what destroyed you! It’s Religion Class.”  Thanks Frita for the terminology correction and informing me of my destructed state.   Then Evivova reminded me that we used to call it “Central City Dump” b/c we didn’t know what CCD stood for.  I think that was more a contributor to the destruction than not calling it Religion Class.

Frita told me I should read GAUDIUM ET SPES to hopefully gain some insight on an earlier discussion we had had about the Vatican.  He said to read it out loud to Nala, then see if she barks at any of the sentiments that are portrayed in the document.  I told him Nala doesn’t bark.  He said “The point is dogs don’t lie” and that is when I heard my mother in the background say “Is that where the term dogma came from?”  I kid you not.  Then Frita handed over the phone and my mother, still laughing at herself, said “Are you ready to talk to someone who is sane?” to which I naturally asked “Sure.  Are you honestly suggesting that person be you?”  

My nephews (5, 6 1/2 and 8) Skype'd me today. We were talking about our weekends. 

Kevin: What did you do last night?
Me: I watched a Vampire show with my friend Brian.
Kevin: Was he on Jeopardy?
Patrick: Or Wheel of Fortune? I think he was on Wheel of Fortune.
Kevin: I'm pretty sure it was Jeopardy, Patrick.
Me: I don't know. He might have been but I don't think so.
Kevin: Oh. Maybe it wasn't the same Brian. That happens you know.

This was about 2 minutes before my sister said "You have a father. Go find him and don't come back for 20 minutes" and 5 minutes before she said "what is this up my pant leg?" and then pulled out an apple.

Kyle apparently shares similar traits with Nate as he managed to catch a spider and put it inside a Lego treasure chest (you know the ones, 1 inch by ½ inch?)  The length’s that this kid is willing to go to get a pet of his own. 

While on the phone with Mo, I heard Lil Patrick ask “What are genital warts?”  Mo replied, “Warts that you get on your penis.”  And then to me she said “Better he learns it from me than in the back of the bus right?”  Who talks about genital warts in the back of the bus?

My uncle had both knees replaced this week.  The night before he went in for surgery, I was telling everyone about this potential job opportunity in which I would need to work from 2am to 10am.  He said "Well you don't get up until 12 anyway."  This is just an all out lie.  I held back my outrage and said, "You know for someone who is going to need an awful lot of help for the next 6 weeks you would think you'd be nicer to me.  That's cool.  I'll just make coffee and when you ask for some at 8, in between sips, I'll just apologize and politely inform you that I don't get up until noon."  

Lucas went on a camping trip with his school last week into what he affectionately called the “Weeelderness.”  When he returned he told me that one of his friends who is quite small has very defined abs.  He couldn’t quite call them a six pack though seeing as how small his whole body was.  They were more like “Chiclets Abs.” What a waste of a few million sit-ups only be mocked by how miniscule his results were. 

Luke also told me that he asked a girl to dance and got rejected.  At first was appalled on his behalf.  I inquired about the details of the rejection.  He said he walked up to the chick and said “Dance with me, Baby!”And she flat out refused.  Turns out though, it wasn’t at a dance that he asked this girl to get down and boogie.  No.  They were camping in the middle of the weeeeelderness, no music could be heard and the girl was on her way to throw out some trash when he stepped up and said, “Dance with me, Baby!”  He wasn’t about to give her any slack, sticking to his statement of “Can you believe her!?” while the rest of us all agreed not to hate quite yet.

What else?  I had lunch with a stranger on Tuesday.  That was um, exactly what it sounds like, followed by hanging out with Diana which was a lovely contrast.  I can’t for the life of me remember what happened on Wednesday so I’m sure it was terribly boring.  Thursday, a new friend came over early and we went swimming, followed by new friend making the whole fam a delicious lunch and then more swimming.  I followed that delightful behavior with a fashion show with friends (in and out of the fashion show.)  Jason and Diana wanted you all to know how much Pizza a model like Diana needs to keep her figure.  

Friday felt very busy with gorgeous weather, top down on my way to an interview, and then other busy things that prevented me from going to the doctor and getting anti-biotic for my ear infection (to which I paid dearly for for the entire weekend.)  Laina got sick on Friday which was super sad because we were scheduled to go see Jennifer Coolidge.  Luckily, Diana stepped up to the plate and then laughter ensued. 

OH NO.  I just remembered what I did on Wednesday.  I had almost blocked it out of my memory.  I spent 6 hours cleaning maggots out of the pantry.  The most DISCUSTING thing I have ever done.  Ever.  Then I took 4 showers and some Benedryl (b/c I was convinced they were crawling all over me) to get to sleep.  Yucks.

Saturday was Janette day.  I told Jordan “I’m hanging out with Janette today.  I really like her.”  He was like “I know.  Every time you say her name you follow it with: I really like her.”  And I do.  After a nap, I met her in Capital Hill and she had already bought a boom box and was getting some batteries.  (The extra two double d’s were used as props for the rest of the evening.)  Despite not following my mother’s cardinal rules of drinking and consuming beer, wine tasting, flaming dr. peppers, gin and tonics, vodka and tonics and a slew of other concoctions, I was not at all ill that evening or on Sunday.  I like to think my body knew I was just trying to drown out the pain in my ear.  Neville wasn’t as happy as I was on Sunday, but at least he didn’t get sick in my car.  Yay!  The quote of the night was this guy telling me about his 2 year old son’s diaper rash (seemed like a lot of information for just meeting him but whatever.)  His wife was applying some cream to their son and he yelled, “Woman!  Careful of the balls!” and ever since then his son randomly yells “Woman, Careful of the balls!” 

I think we’ll end on that note.  

Huddersfield Ben

I took one of those tests that tell you what professions would be good for you and it recommended that I become a Funeral Director.  I looked up some positions.  The job description says “at all times, exhibit indisputable integrity, the highest degree of tact and sensitivity…. And be able to lift 75 pounds.”  As Arda would say, “Seems hard, Lucas, I don’t think I want to do that.  That’s why I play Guitar.” 

Apparently, local Yorktown Police were called in when a Coyote was spotted at Ben Franklin Elementary School (my alma mater). Here is the full official story http://yorktown.patch.com/articles/coyote-sighted-near-benjamin-franklin-elementary-school-all-outdoor-activity-brought-indoors.  When Evivova asked Maureen if it was true she said, “yeahh - Kevin was upset that they had to go in and said that he thought the kid that said he saw it, just said that because the kid didn't want to stay outside and then they all had to pay for it and go inside. He's not happy with that kid. :)”

I asked Jen if she would be willing to donate blood with us.  She said, “I’m only giving blood if Vampire Bill sucks it directly from my thigh.  You should tell Jordan the last time I gave blood was at WizKids.”   When I told Jordan, he wondered if she was implying that he was a bloodsucker (and not the good kind.) 

I had lunch with grizzled veteran game designer Mike Mulvihill and he was telling me that his youngest daughter Vivian (soon to be 7) was watching TV with him the other day on the couch.  As he kept nudging her trying to knock her on to the floor she finally rolled off and turned to him saying “Will you stop being related to me already?” 

I’m a bit of a failure.  As I was attempting to teach Nala (the puppy) a few key things (like bringing me a toy so that I will play with her without getting my fingers nipped and not peeing on the floor) I realized that I was not so good at this training bit.  When, exactly, did I figure this out?  Well I had been explaining (yes Momela, Mo, et al. I was explaining… that always works) that peeing on the floor was bad and I kept putting her on her potty pad in the circle cage when she made a mistake.  I had gone to the dog park, Nala totally had fun. Tiffany met some nice people. We came back. We played.  Then I had to get back to work and Nala looked at the cage, walked past the entrance and potty pad, looked at me, peed, and then walked back into her cage.  Basically, she gets the part where she has to go back into the cage after she has an accident—or not so accident—but she also knows that she gets my attention.  Perfect. 

(On a side note, my “explanations” are quite common with children as well, which, I am told, might not be the best way to communicate.  I also would like it known that I’m the cool fun Aunt… not the mom (with the children and with baby girl Nala.)  I like to indulge and then return with little to no yelling, enforcing of rules or really saying no if I can help it.  It might be the only thing that I’ve “explained” and that they have all really understood.) 

I overheard Lucas and his friends talking the other day about various hair products.  When I told him later that I thought that that was amusing he said, “Why? We talk about hair a lot.  And Jeans.  Levi’s mostly.  I’d say that takes up the majority of our every day conversation.”   I had no idea.  I wonder what would happen if 14 year old girls knew that 14 year old boys had so much in common with them?   I hope I didn’t just cause a major rift in the world as we know it.   That would be awkward. 

My friend Seth had a bit of a “Scotchtober” on Saturday.  I might have accidently ruined it by bringing homemade Bailey’s as he was trying to unload his over-abundance of Scotch in the house.  Whoops.  There were some old friends there that I don’t get to see very often and it’s a damn shame b/c they are hilarious.  There were many stories… but I’ll just tell you 1 so that I have something to say to you if and when we ever hang out again.  I don’t remember how it got started but everyone was telling funny stories that incorporated complaining about their mother’s in some way.  (Don’t worry Momela, I don’t have any complaints about you to share.)  But we were going around the room, one-by-one, topping each other with more hilarious acts that our mom’s had done when there was an ever so slight pause and Mike Mulvihill jumped in and said “Ya well, My mom is dead.”  Oh and how I laughed. 

Sunday morning Luke and I woke up (go us!) and by 9 am we had already made homemade vanilla wafers (breakfast of champions!)  The directions said to roll the dough into the size of chocolate chips (and that it made 382 cookies…approximately.)  I, not one to follow directions very well, made mine the size of Nilla wafers.  I segregated our cookies by size, labeled each plate with our names (and one Post-It with a “Nilla®” on the Nilla wafer box b/c I’m a brat) and then asked people to tell us which tasted better.  Currently Luke’s plate is empty and mine is not.  I like to think its b/c I didn’t shove my face with cookies, but I don’t even think that’s true. 

Oh… so Luke looked up whom the first Yorkie was.  His name was Huddersfield Ben who was run over by a carriage at age 6 and died.  This is sad but also crazy to know that someone gave such a long and impressive name to such a teeny tiny dog.

I asked Luke what his plans were after our trip to Guitar Center.  I almost swerved the car when I heard him say “sit ups” b/c I know that he’s never done one of those before.  So we tried a lil Ab Ripper X—I emphasize “lil” b/c instead of the required 349 sit-ups I think Luke did around 10 –maybe—and then said that’s more exercise than I have done in my whole life and begged me to shut it off.  Meanwhile, as I was doing the exercises Nala thought it would be a good idea to grab onto the bottom of my pants so at any given time I had an extra two pounds to lift.  She also decided to run under me if I lifted my back off the ground to which Luke took a break from moaning to say “whoa that was almost a “Huddersfield Ben”.  We think it might be the new "hip"catch-phrase.

Ravedaisy!

It’s Monday morning, and of course my first stop is to someecards.com, the greatest website of all time, (You have MSNBC and Good Morning America, I have someecards.com.)  And what to my wonderous eyes did appear?  But this lovely someecard… and the article that accompanies it, in case you, too wanted a lil more information.

Rally to Restore Sanity

Saturday was of course Sausagefest, or as we have affectionately started calling it, LineFest 2010.  To be fair it was Redhook’s first try, it was a gorgeous day, and they didn’t know that I had nothing better to do than be their unofficial grass roots marketing team.  On a personal note, I tried wearing heels instead of the boot and it was both a wildly successful and yet tragic experiment.  Successful b/c my injury didn’t hurt, tragic b/c my pretty pink boots were sacrificed to the mud field.   I felt really bad that Sausagefest coincided with Yom Kippur, and even more terrible that I teased Jordan with the event.  Yet insanely happy he took one of the later shifts so that I was entertained the entire day—yay!  Thank you also to Dawne, Nala, Marc, Lynn, Matty, Ashley, Diana, Jason, Jamie, Michael, Laina and Becky for playing with me!

And what better segue into a commentary on Lady Gaga than Fashion Week and Food?   I have to say that I pretty much love that this chick wore a meat dress—my only question is did she donate it to a soup kitchen so the sensational actually became practical?

In other news, my friend Marisa came to visit this week—b/c if you’re having a mental breakdown, who better than yours truly to put you back on track?  Okay fine, that’s going a lil too far—how about cheer you up with wine and fried cookie dough?  We hit up the Columbia Winery, Redhook, the Puyallup Fair (with Michael), Library (so cool!), Archie McPhees, Sweet Iron (yummy yummy waffles), dog park, Chace’s  and I dragged her around to the grocery store and delivery of soup and cupcakes and what not.  I’ll tell you what you’ll find mildly amusing.  I have been singing Disney songs for quite some time (at the top of my lungs of course) and I realized that I don’t actually know the words.  This was painfully obvious when Michael was in the car with me and we were singing Aladdin’s One Jump Ahead I thought the ladies were saying “I think he’s ravadaisy” (Ravedaisy being their version of “super hot”) and they are really saying “I think he’s rather tasty.”  Luke suggested I add “ravedaisy” to urban dictionary… maybe it will catch on. 

One Jump Ahead

Diana’s wedding dress came in last week.  In the bridal place they have this running video of models in wedding gowns coming down a runway.  Every single one of them has the cool as a cucumber expression on their face.  As I was watching the real live brides I realized that their marketing strategy was all wrong.  No one in their right mind would ever buy a wedding dress if they put it on and looked like those models.  The reason why you try on so many dresses is because you are waiting for that one dress that plasters a gigantic silly grin on your face that you couldn’t smack off if you wanted to—just like Diana and the other ladies in the shop.  I could do wonders for that industry—plus its one of those industries in which one has no repercussions for their actions b/c everything is (hopefully) a one-time deal.  I love not having any consequences for me job performance—don’t you?

I have had a terrible headache since Friday which has actually made me ill (or maybe it’s the other way around… who knows.)  The beer at Sausagefest actually made me want to drill a hole in my head (dead like me reference… ooh I watched a lot of dead like me at some point too!  Why am I always 5 years late on these things?)  When I made it home I took a nap, during which Jordan called to ask me if he should pick up a ticket for me which I, in my half asleep state said “yes, please” and hung up.  Then I immediately realized that I was going to have to get up in 15 minutes and make my way to Lincoln Town Center to see Easy A.  Given that I did NOT throw up on my way there, I was glad I did b/c that movie was awesome and is now going on my top favorite movies list. 

Last Monday I went to a new friend’s apartment for dinner.  Boy does she know how to cook.  I wonder if she realizes that I don’t really ever get home cooking so this was a really big treat.  On my way in I started talking to this woman and offered her a cupcake and just was my normal friendly self.  Turns out that the woman I was talking to was the evil landlady who everyone hates.  Sometimes I wonder if I even have an evil-meter.  Although she did keep wanting to know where I was going and I didn’t want to tell her b/c ya know, Momela always told me to never tell strangers where I live and what not.  That made me feel cautious but I battled it with babble and sunshine which I find always works, even if it does sometimes frustrate the inquisitor. 

I called a friend to see if he needed anything b/c a lil birdie told me that he was feeling like death.  He told me he was too manly to be brought soup and oj.  He then, instead of heading back to sleep, spent the next couple of hours helping me to set up a blog. So... I hope you like my first official entry!  

T O’B 

Love Your Legs

Hi Friend,

Luke got Uke.  Turns out, I’m not a fan of Heart and Soul unless it’s being played by Tom Hanks on a the floor of FAO Schwartz.

I went to the hospital with my Aunt for her Endoscopy and I realized when I walked in that I had a malfunctioning zipper that fell down constantly and I had to just tug down my shirt and hope for the best.  Not so “Lucky” jeans if I do say so myself.

I spent some time writing these emails which kept me from doing new interesting things so I could write them in this, actually on time, email. 

My friend Roy called and immediately told me that he always calls my parents house first accidently and then hangs up as soon as my mother answers.  I think he might have been appalled to hear that on the TV pops up the words “Roy Wilkinson Calling” every time he does this.

I think I forgot to tell you this story, so I figure I might as well throw it into this week.  Mo was bringing the kids to Toys R Us and Kyle couldn’t find his wallet.  He started getting pretty upset after searching the house for a while.  Before he started to cry, Kevin reached into his piggy bank and gave his little brother 5 dollars and said, “Okay Kyle.  Now you have money so you don’t have to be upset.”  Patrick, observing this interaction, reached into his own wallet and took out a dollar and handed it to Kyle saying “I would give you more but I’m saving up for a boat.”

The other night Maureen told me that she had told the kids that they were going to go to the gym but got a response of “Nooooooooooo!” and “I dontwanna!”  Then, when on the phone with me she said, “Well I don’t want to either, but now I have to go out of principle.”  Classic “Mom” behavior.

Kevin came back inside crying b/c the neighbor kid told him that the groundhog stole his toy and brought down the his hole with him.  He was crying so badly that Maureen just told him to go inside.  After dinner Maureen said “Are you sane now Kevin?  Animals do not take toys.  They are animals.”  To which Kevin said, “Oh.  Right.  That makes more sense.”

Lucas has decided that he wants to get himself a pair of those white shorts from the 80s and wear them around casually.  He showed me a music video to demonstrate what he wanted, I immediately showed him a picture of my brother wearing these same shorts—and I think Lucas was actually a lil jealous.  I also said “You gotta really love your legs.  Do you love your legs Luke?” and he replied “Arda (his best friend) really loves his legs.  He’s always  like “check out my calves, aren’t they incredible?”

Lucas also told me, if he has one flaw, if mind you, it would be that he can’t sit in chairs.  I might have thought this was funnier at the time b/c it really was having a hard time sitting in his chair.

My mom actually called me early this morning to tell me to get up b/c it was going to be a gorgeous day today.  That’s a bad habit (not the getting up) but getting up b/c it’s a gorgeous day out b/c if that was my standard it’s going to be a really long, but super comfortable 8 months ahead of me.  Either way, I’m looking outside and it’s still gray but hey, now you have a Monday email that is on time, and I’m working on my second load of laundry so over all, pretty productive.

Oooooh I made Brookies even better.  I am thinking I’ll call them CaBrookies and they can only be described as amazing.  Take that Martha Stewart.  Maybe I’ll make them for the next event… just not this next event b/c I’m not sure how well they’ll go with all this meat. I (okay Sean) discovered a must-go event and can only hope that you too, share my joy in discovering that on September 18th, at Red Hook Brewery in Woodinville, there will be an honest-to-goodness SAUSAGEFEST. 

http://www.redhooksausagefest.com/

Who's comin' with me? 

Hope to see you there!  Have a good week!

Love Always,

T O’B

Up-to-date update

Hi Friend,

(DESPITE THE WARNING TO ERIKA NOT TO LOOK AT THE BLOODY PICTURE IN THE LAST EMAIL SO AS TO AVOID A FAINTING SPELL, SHE LOOKED ANYWAY BECAUSE SHE WAS TOLD NOT TO.)

Last week, Rach and I went to the Doll Museum in Bellevue which was both fascinating and creepy at the same time—basically everything you could ever want in a doll museum.

I also watched Tarzan and Jungle Book for the first time and then watched as Rach viewed Cinderella for the first time.  The snake, Ka, seems to have the same voice as Winnie the Pooh only one is scary and one cuddly and the Wicked Step-Mother seems to share the same voice as Maleficent but isn’t nearly as awesome as Maleficent—Discuss.    Also, the “Dinner and a Movie” nights are some of my favorite of all nights, especially when people come to me and I don’t have to cook—it’s like your social, but don’t have to worry if you spill something on your pajamas.

Maleficent: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=04O2oVjeOuQ

Lady Tremaine: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2LFILnxi-RM&p=4C5483D35D197A97&playnext=1&index=23

Ka: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=anOwMIm1-5w

Winnie the Pooh: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=91uPid7ufCA

I played volleyball for a couple hours in the rain on Monday, and if I could have taken a picture of my bruised arms, I totally would have (not because it was pretty, but because I love sympathy.) I was so filthy that I was not fit to enter someone else’s home so I took a quick shower, made cookies and brought games to the second part of the evening.  In case you were wondering why you are friends with me (I don’t kid myself, I know it’s crossed your mind) it’s b/c I’m the kind of girl that smells pretty and clean and bears fresh baked cookies with a side of fun and games.  Now you don’t have to wonder anymore.  I’m fairly certain I lost some potential friends when faced with a decision of what was more “Temperamental” I  choose “Haiku” over “Christian Bale” but I don’t need new friends anyway… I have you. (Please re-read above qualities if you were unsure of this declaration.  Thx.)

This is for Mo b/c she couldn’t remember the Christian Bale incident: http://www.metacafe.com/watch/2702829/christian_bale_family_guy/

I worked on some games with Jordan (‘cause I don’t have anything better to do.  No really. I really don’t have anything better to do).  One in particular we worked on for quite some time, hours I’m talking about here, until we admitted it just wasn’t a very good concept and we should give up.  I can’t say that that’s the most satisfying of feelings.  I feel like I’m just one step above hunting down all the lost matches in my sock drawer, and then telling you about it.  Remember that one time I went to Europe?

I would end this with a someecard, but someecards just crashed on me.  Better luck next time!

Much Love,

T O’B

Big Brother

Hi Friend,

(WARNING:  ERIKA DO NOT LOOK AT THE FIRST PICTURE IN THIS EMAIL!)

When I got back from Europe, Eva and I began a “game” in which our tagline became “If it makes you feel better…”  For example, she told me that she had bought a monthly metro-card and then promptly dropped it down the sewer.  I told her that if it made her feel better, I had scratched my cornea.  She said she had a UTI.  I told her that if it made her feel better I had developed a mysterious something on the bottom of my injured foot that caused pain with every step.  She then sent me this picture with the caption “What is our tagline again?”

I told her she should wrap it with a wet paper towel or gauze with Neosporin on it.  She suggested she use a Maxi Pad.  I mentioned it might be ridiculous to walk around with a Maxi Pad on your pinky.  She responded with It’s a Light Days!  Eventually I called her (so she didn’t have to get blood on her phone while texting me) and said that we had better stop playing this game before one of us lost a limb or fell down an elevator shaft. (PS it took 2 hours and a trip to the emergency room to stop the flow of blood and then Eva was dismissed with an “I guess there goes your hand model career!”)

My brother came out to visit me when I got back from Europe and told me that the compound was like living in a Fraternity.  I revisited the scene of the crime (AKA where I hurt my foot in November and have never been the same) and we went Kayaking.   During this Kayaking adventure Luke and Diana managed to cause a casual fisherman to lose his fishing pole—but it’s okay b/c he said he’d get his scuba equipment out to find it later.

Luke also told tales of his travels with a pigmy yak and living in a yurt and his quest for a “Quattro Magnifico” and then swore that he would NEVER tell a lie.  We hit up the SAM for the first time and I was quite impressed with how it perfectly catered to people with short attention spans.  It might very well be my favorite museum of all time.  We also went to the Red Hook brewery and discovered that there is going to be an honest-to-goodness Sausage Fest on Sept 18^th (where you should totally join me!)  My friends were particularly amusing when I introduced my brother.  I’m not sure if Sean was appalled by their running commentary and overly frank sharing or if he was just surprised that a lady would speak of such things in mixed company.  No matter what, I should it vastly entertaining.

We also discovered a wealth of RV from the 70’s on our way to Ballard.  I have no explanation for their existence or the large quantity on every street we passed and sadly I think it might be a mystery that I might never solve.

Sean also had to hang out at Redmond Town Center while I got my eye checked out so, once again a thrill a minute.  After that I took him to the Redmond Dog Park where, apparently, they have over 700,000 visitors a year.  I have seriously never seen so many dogs in one place.  They also had a mini-agility test which was much more interesting than the dog competition we watch every year after the Thanksgiving Parade b/c everyone’s hands are covered in food fixings and can’t change the channel.

Sean told a whole bunch of really funny stories, but I’m only going to tell one of them.  His co-worker was going on a trip and his friend, knowing what flight he was on, made a phone call.  He told the airline that his friend would be traveling first class and would inevitably ask for a scotch on the rocks and asked that the stewardess not give him the scotch, that it was a very sensitive issue but his friend really was not supposed to be drinking.   The airline understood perfectly and did not serve alcohol to the man on the plane.  By the end of the flight they had to arrest the man because he was so outraged by the treatment that he went a little crazy.  To this day, the man does not know that it was his friend who caused the airline not to serve him.

Alright… I’m almost caught up.  Well if a week and ½ behind can be considered caught up. 

Much Love,

T O’B

7 in 2010, The Final Chaper (or the 2nd 1/2 of Aug 23rd.)

Hi Friend,

Consider this an “extra” email for the week of Aug 23^rd.  I know you don’t care about my system (you’re just thinking why so many emails Tiffany? Don’t my attention span isn’t this large?), but I need to keep these updates in order with some kind of system just in case when I die someone wants to write a Biography of me and is too lazy to actually do any research and wants to cut and paste these into a delightful read. 

The summary for the rest of the trip is that we spent it in Vienna.  I met Eva’s 90 year old grandmother Karla, hung out with her dad, Peter, met Eva’s Aunts and all of her cousins.  My favorite german’s flew out to Vienna to play (Julia and Kathi) and we basically saw some sites and then hung out drinking wine, coffee and beer for the rest the trip.  I learned 9 new German phrases, saw a couple more churches and palaces and hung out in some parks.  Met a butterfly or 2 and it was awesome.  In lieu of trying to describe every minute I am going to give you some random quotes and hope you find them as amusing as I did. 

When we arrived to Eva’s grandmother’s (Karla) house she said, “I’m making lunch.  I don’t know if you’ll like it, but you’ll eat it.

On her son Peter, when he left the room and it was just me and Karla:

Karla: I’m being punished.

Me: What?

Karla: I’m being punished.  Three weeks with him!

(She would then intermittently just turn to us and say “Three weeks!”)

Karla: I’m trying to cook and he’s asking me about how my parents met… I don’t know!

Karla: Have some cake.  It’s okay if you don’t like it, I didn’t make it.

Karla on son-in-law: No woman with eyes would think he is good looking.  He isn’t manly.  You don’t know, you aren’t a woman.  His hair – like this (gesture)- always looking greasy.  He needs to wash his head. 

Karla on cousin’s wedding: It was so funny!  He took HER name and then signed it wrong on the paper!

Karla: My husband loved washing dishes so he wouldn’t buy me a dishwasher.  He’s been dead for 22 years now so I’ve had to wash my own dishes for 22 years.  I hate washing dishes.  

Peter had lost his luggage so I offered him some clean T-shirts, but he refused one saying “I can’t wear a shirt with a GIRL on it!” (It was a beer and scotch festival T-shirt btw)

Then, at the 90^th birthday party, he complained about having to wear Yankees and Albany T-Shirts, so naturally I said: Look around you Peter. I’m the only one out of every one here who even offered you a clean shirt.

After Kathi explained a fascist party poster I said: I think I got that from the Hitler mustache and the word “Nazi” written on it.

Kathi: I think I might be a lot funnier in English. 

Johanna: I’m next to the sex shop.  Not in the sex shop.

David showing us a picture of his son’s first bike ride: See that (graffiti) above his head with an arrow?  That says “Shit day.” 

-Is that Mozart?

-He’s got a Violin though.

-He was a prodigy, he played everything.

-Okay, It’s Strauss.

Me: Is that why when I was driving over 170 kph the car started shaking?

Karla: I think Johanna is the only wedding for my grandchildren I’ll ever go to.  None of you are going to get married.  Look at you (Eva).  So skinny.  There’s nothing for a man to touch.

Ferdinand: Did you leave money at the bar?

Me: No I did that on purpose.

Ferdinand: You left 2 euro on PURPOSE?!

Peter: "You have to give Tiffany credit, you know."
Eva: For what
P: She went to all those countries not knowing one word of any of
those languages!
E: Me either.
P: No Eva.. You have to give her credit!!

Later...
P: And do you know what else you have to give her credit for?
E: Walking around with her foot?
P: No. The GPS. Knowing where to go!!
E: That's what the GPS does... It tells you.
P: Give her credit!!

At one point Eva tried to get peter to take a picture of us.  After 5 full minutes, this is what he took:

I almost got kicked out of the Belevedere when I took this picture—but they were velvet covered exercise balls! Come ON!

We were staying at Eva’s Aunt’s apartment and on the last night, we absolutely could not figure out how to open the door and had to call Eva’s cousin to come open it for us (which they did, easily.)  In case you wanted to know what defeat looks like:

So that was my trip.  

Much Love,

T O’B