Monday, February 28, 2011

Imprinting Squirrels

Person Becky just met at dinner: Is 30 dollars okay?
Becky:  Sure, from now on, you’ll be known as “Two Bucks Short.”

The evening I missed… though in truth it does sound like a crowd that would gravitate toward me.

Shana and Michael met some interesting individuals at a bar the other night.  Strangers pulled up seats at their table and over the course of the evening they discovered that one girl was a massage therapist who has been with more women than men but is now currently seeking a domestic partnership with her baby daddy.  One chick, who is an executive assistant without an executive, has that has a pet squirrel.  She keeps it in the house.  Did you know that squirrels, like werewolves, imprint on one human for life?  If you want to know additional information, Michael has her number so that they can chat/share squirrel toys if he ever finds himself in a similar situation.  There was a Pet Psychologist… who was temporarily not practicing due to a bestiality charge (that he *did not do*.)   One “gentlemen” who used to be in porn but decided to get out of the “biz” to invest in a chain called “Buns” which is a cross between a strip club and Denny’s.  (I also heard during this story that one guy liked "the opposite of the third Reich" which I didn't understand at all... but next to me Jin was all "I'll explain it to you later."  Truth be told, she heard the same thing I did--when the what the guy actually liked was "Opera's of the Third Reich." But I digress).  And finally, throughout the introductions, there was a silent man with horn rimmed glasses and striped shirt that looked suspiciously like Harry Potter who said he was the pet psychologist intern—but suspicions were high that he was just not revealing his true calling to the muggles at the table.   If anyone just booked a flight out to Seattle to visit as a result of this story, email me and I’ll make sure Shana tells us where the really fun people hang out.

Jen’s daughter Lily on whether or not she wanted to stay in the womb:  No.  I was very bored in my mommy’s tummy.

Rach: My brother Erik is your food match.
Me (Later): How disappointing.  He tries new things!?  He’ll never be my food match.

When they were younger, Becky used to take her brother (who is 17 years younger) to the grocery store and tell Aaron to knock something off the shelf and then yell “Do that one more time and you’re going in the box!”

After our barista told us that she was not going to ski this weekend b/c she doesn't have chains for her tires, Becky told her “I think that’s best.  I’d hate to read in the paper that you and a companion were killed on their way back from Steven’s Pass b/c then who would make my coffee!?”  

I also did not ski this weekend on multiple occasions and now I feel the need to apologize specifically to Mark for being a liar, Rach for thinking about going, and to Jen for not answering her text when I got home at midnight on Friday night b/c I knew she wouldn’t like my answer.  I did, however, as Laina was buying fun new things for her spanking new house, decide to buy myself a ring at Tiffany’s (are there actually people out there not named Tiffany that buy things with Tiffany engraved on them?)  I was feeling pretty awesome about my  pretty ring until this morning when I saw a not so pretty ring on my finger:

That’s unfortunate. 

Ironically, my first reason to not go skiing was b/c I thought it was too cold (the second was I’m fragile and didn’t want to break anything).  This is ironic, b/c yesterday, the heat went off in the house and I didn’t know how to turn it back on (I know my uncle taught me before he left, but when I went downstairs I couldn’t remember) so I’m adding “not wanting to leave the warmth of my snuggie to get food from the freezing kitchen” on my list of diet strategies.   

I went over to Laina’s old apartment to pick up some things and she asked me to hold her coffee while she grabbed something out of the trunk.  Naturally, I said “Sure, but now I’m pretty much tapped out on the whole carrying things thing.”  Little did I know (though I should have assumed seeing as she drives a mini cooper) that we were only going to make two trips to the car anyway—if anyone was wondering, this is the only way I like to help move people. 

I did my taxes yesterday while watching episodes of buffy and the Oscars (I’m a multi-tasker) and found a check for $550 that I forgot to cash.  When I told Eva she said “I can’t believe you lost a check for $550!!” I replied, “I didn’t lose it, I had completely forgotten that I had it at all.  Totally different.” 

For the record… if one of you made this card but forgot to send it to me… I found it and I’m not happy with you. 

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