Thursday, February 10, 2011

Why I’m Not Bitter…

.. Unless of course I don’t get any presents.  My main complaint about Valentine’s Day is I don’t have any complaints about Valentine’s Day.  But I’ll give it a whirl because I was asked so nicely for a Valentine’s Day Special.

  •  “Singles” are morally and certifiably obligated to be resentful towards the holiday and I have yet to figure out why.  I mean I’m pathetic and sad all year long… but on Valentine’s Day there is a possibility for candy and presents.
  • That’s right; lots of Valentine’s include candy these days.  Although, I don’t know how conversational those hearts really are—unless, do I (perhaps) talk more than the average bear? Plus, have you ever tried to make a sentence or, actually have a conversation, with these things?

“Cute Pie! Ask Me!”
“Why Not. Oh Boy. Hug Me?”
“Sure Love. What Ever. I Will.”
“How Sweet. Lover Boy. You’re Tops. Kiss Me?”
“You Bet. All Mine!”
“Get Real. Be Good. “

And then all I can think of is, man, did you wash your hands before you touched ALL of the candy to come up with those?
  • I really dig wearing red, pink and all the shades in between and it’s like the only day in which all of the shades are being represented in equal measure.  In fact, if you’re lucky, you’ll be able to see yours truly trying to wear them all at once. 
  • When else are you going to have a good occasion to use doilies?
  • Evivova completely stressed me out in H.S. telling me that they give out flowers during home room, and people walk around announcing who was special enough to get flowers and then bestowing the finest carnation in the land on their desk.  And if no one loved you, everyone would know by the stark emptiness of your speckled plastic desk.  Now that I’m older, I would have made the investment to not only learn everyone’s name in my class, but also get flowers for everyone anonymously so that they could avoid those horrifying minutes.  Either that, or not listened to Evivova.  Definitely one of those.
  • I heart sending Valentine’s because it is the one day a year in which you can get away with giving out mushy cards with dogs saying “I Ruff you!” and “Be Mine.” and just plain  old “I love you.  You’re special to me.” to anyone and everyone without anyone thinking too deeply about it—but still making them smile.  (I mean, I didn't make any this year.  But I totally could have.)
  • My mom sometimes likes to remind me that if hadn't broken up with such and such I would have a date right now… and that always makes me pause and think about such and such and realize “I’d have to spend Valentine’s day with Such and Such” and feel validated in my decision making.
  • I have purposely said no to date’s on Valentine’s Day, pushing them back or forward a day, just to take the pressure off of both of us.  Valentine’s Day should be fun… NOT stressful.  It’s a made up, hallmark toting, sugar fest of a holiday that should be filled with bubbles of happiness and joy.  No worries, just adult beverages and love.
  • What better excuse could I ever come up with to get drunk and watch romantic comedies than February 14th?
  • Finally, Valentine’s Day is the most glaring reminder that my mother’s birthday is the 15th I could ever have… so I have NEVER forgotten her birthday.  “Thanks Valentine’s Day! Love, Karen’s Kids.” 

   I'm often very insecure about the humor level of my ramblings... this one was particularly shaky so I asked Becky to read it and let me know if it was funny or not.  Always enormously helpful, I received the following moments later: 

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