Monday, February 28, 2011

Imprinting Squirrels

Person Becky just met at dinner: Is 30 dollars okay?
Becky:  Sure, from now on, you’ll be known as “Two Bucks Short.”

The evening I missed… though in truth it does sound like a crowd that would gravitate toward me.




Shana and Michael met some interesting individuals at a bar the other night.  Strangers pulled up seats at their table and over the course of the evening they discovered that one girl was a massage therapist who has been with more women than men but is now currently seeking a domestic partnership with her baby daddy.  One chick, who is an executive assistant without an executive, has that has a pet squirrel.  She keeps it in the house.  Did you know that squirrels, like werewolves, imprint on one human for life?  If you want to know additional information, Michael has her number so that they can chat/share squirrel toys if he ever finds himself in a similar situation.  There was a Pet Psychologist… who was temporarily not practicing due to a bestiality charge (that he *did not do*.)   One “gentlemen” who used to be in porn but decided to get out of the “biz” to invest in a chain called “Buns” which is a cross between a strip club and Denny’s.  (I also heard during this story that one guy liked "the opposite of the third Reich" which I didn't understand at all... but next to me Jin was all "I'll explain it to you later."  Truth be told, she heard the same thing I did--when the what the guy actually liked was "Opera's of the Third Reich." But I digress).  And finally, throughout the introductions, there was a silent man with horn rimmed glasses and striped shirt that looked suspiciously like Harry Potter who said he was the pet psychologist intern—but suspicions were high that he was just not revealing his true calling to the muggles at the table.   If anyone just booked a flight out to Seattle to visit as a result of this story, email me and I’ll make sure Shana tells us where the really fun people hang out.




Jen’s daughter Lily on whether or not she wanted to stay in the womb:  No.  I was very bored in my mommy’s tummy.




Rach: My brother Erik is your food match.
Me (Later): How disappointing.  He tries new things!?  He’ll never be my food match.




When they were younger, Becky used to take her brother (who is 17 years younger) to the grocery store and tell Aaron to knock something off the shelf and then yell “Do that one more time and you’re going in the box!”

After our barista told us that she was not going to ski this weekend b/c she doesn't have chains for her tires, Becky told her “I think that’s best.  I’d hate to read in the paper that you and a companion were killed on their way back from Steven’s Pass b/c then who would make my coffee!?”  

I also did not ski this weekend on multiple occasions and now I feel the need to apologize specifically to Mark for being a liar, Rach for thinking about going, and to Jen for not answering her text when I got home at midnight on Friday night b/c I knew she wouldn’t like my answer.  I did, however, as Laina was buying fun new things for her spanking new house, decide to buy myself a ring at Tiffany’s (are there actually people out there not named Tiffany that buy things with Tiffany engraved on them?)  I was feeling pretty awesome about my  pretty ring until this morning when I saw a not so pretty ring on my finger:




That’s unfortunate. 

Ironically, my first reason to not go skiing was b/c I thought it was too cold (the second was I’m fragile and didn’t want to break anything).  This is ironic, b/c yesterday, the heat went off in the house and I didn’t know how to turn it back on (I know my uncle taught me before he left, but when I went downstairs I couldn’t remember) so I’m adding “not wanting to leave the warmth of my snuggie to get food from the freezing kitchen” on my list of diet strategies.   




I went over to Laina’s old apartment to pick up some things and she asked me to hold her coffee while she grabbed something out of the trunk.  Naturally, I said “Sure, but now I’m pretty much tapped out on the whole carrying things thing.”  Little did I know (though I should have assumed seeing as she drives a mini cooper) that we were only going to make two trips to the car anyway—if anyone was wondering, this is the only way I like to help move people. 




I did my taxes yesterday while watching episodes of buffy and the Oscars (I’m a multi-tasker) and found a check for $550 that I forgot to cash.  When I told Eva she said “I can’t believe you lost a check for $550!!” I replied, “I didn’t lose it, I had completely forgotten that I had it at all.  Totally different.” 

For the record… if one of you made this card but forgot to send it to me… I found it and I’m not happy with you. 





Friday, February 25, 2011

Liquid Courage and a Carcass

Wednesday morning Jordan woke me up at 5:30 am to ask me to drive them to the airport b/c their ride was going to be late.  When I got back home, I tried to go to sleep but ended up just laying there with a pout on my face for an hour.    There was a prediction of snow also on Wednesday, so when I got into the office my cube mates and I joked about the possible need to press my “Winterize” button in my car and gazed longingly outside waiting for snow.  I also checked weather.com every 5 minutes for an update instead of looking out the window.  I told Chris to let me know when I should look outside b/c to turn my head was too much effort.  He told me that one of his friends texted his girlfriend saying “Look outside, It’s hailing.”  And she responded with, “Make me.”



I got home and I could smell something not so good.  I checked the kitchen… until I looked over at the mouse cage and said “Mouse? Mooouse? Don’t do this to me mouse.”  I then texted a couple of people saying “I think the mouse is dead (frowny face.)”  and then grabbed a Mike’s for some liquid courage while I tried to figure out a plan.  At one point I got a text back from BDug saying “Stop being such a baby.” And as I grabbed supplies I kept thinking “BUT I AM A BABY!”   I think it might have been dead for a day or two for it to smell as bad as it did.  Add to the fact that the cage hasn’t been cleaned since Dawne left 2 weeks ago… and the fact that this mouse didn’t curl up and die peacefully in its sleep but rather was laid out on its back with its paws all sad and pathetic…and the fact that I don't  touch mice even when they are alive... made this a particularly unfortunate excavation process.  I wrapped my whole face with a big scarf to deaden the smell, then pulled on thick rubber gloves, and grabbed a hefty bag.  (Originally, I thought about just reaching in and putting the mouse in a zip lock bag but I couldn’t do it.  And it was not lost on me that I watched 5 seasons of Dexter, but couldn’t handle seeing a dead mouse.)  After removing the bigger items in the cage, I jimmied the bag around the side and then ran with the 10 gallon tank outside into the snowy fresh air.  After turning it on its side and getting a bunch of the contents out into the bag (I would run away and towards it as much as holding my breath would allow –and at one point when I was away from it, I heard something move—and was afraid maybe it wasn’t really dead.  But then I realized that it was DEFINITIELY dead, and it was just the snow hitting the bag.)  Eventually, I got the glass cage out of the bag and ran the cage contents, dead mouse and all, up to trash on street level.  By the time I got into the house, I was shaking, and therefore headed to the fridge for another Mike’s.

Becky’s response: No one calls Mike’s “Liquid Courage.” 

Jordan: I’m not going to tell Dawne about this yet.

Co-Worker: That’s the thing about death.  It’s a total nuisance… as we’ll find out if Colin doesn’t notice that you’re dead (at your desk.)


(I have a sneaking suspicion that I have had to use this sentiment before. My Bad.)  

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

Inkling (Quick Survey)

Was watching the movie Valentine’s Day with Rach on Sunday and I told her, with no room for negotiation, that I would never tell her if I had an “inkling” that there was something wrong with the person she was dating.  Rach, just as adamantly stated that would tell me and that she wanted to know immediately what I thought was wrong with her current person of interest.   What are your thoughts?


See… I think that you never really know what’s going on between two people in a relationship, and who am I to make judgments or offer up my opinions (especially if they are negative) when for all I know, you’ll end up marrying this person and also hating me for not loving whoever you love.  I can’t take that chance.  It’s supportive or bust.  (I don’t think that’s what I meant… but you get what I’m trying to say, right?) 

Monday, February 21, 2011

Hot Mess


I sent this to Chris with a note "Please don't let this happen to me."
Chris: I'm surprised this doesn't happen more often.
Me: I think I'd notice if you were dead!
Chris: Oh yea. Me. Of course. But you? You sit in the corner. If Colin doesn't look out his window who knows how long you'll be there.




Me: HAPPY VALENTINE’S DAY!
Chick: Happy Valentine’s Day… (Huge pause)... I guess.
Me: What did THAT mean?
Becky: It means she automatically repeated our Happy Valentine’s Day and then she realized she didn’t like us. 

Shana sent me this video on Monday: SnorgTees Video
Naturally, I called dibs on Green T (as if I even had any way of knowing who these guys were or where they were located), and then another friend told me that they had gone to high school with these guys.  Facebook, I bow to the wonderment of your social networking skillz.

 Jared to Becky in genuine wonderment: I don’t know how people like you perceive the world.

Jared and Becky came over with heart shaped pizzas on Monday.   And as we were looking for romcoms, Jared expressed how appalled he was at our organization.  I tried to explain how we have all tried to organize but it just gets messed up… but quickly stopped trying to defend our behavior when Ella Enchanted was found in the “C” drawer.  You can see why, right?


  
Luke: Do we have friends?
Me: Yes, *I* I have friends.
Luke: I meant do we have the TV show.
Me: I know.  It’s in the drawer.
(2 minutes later)
Luke: I see what you did there.  I didn’t get it b/c *I* don’t have friends.


  
Evivova on me getting laser eye surgery: Knowing you, you’d laugh as they go to make the cut. Or cry. Then your tears would make it slip. 

Me: I just told the story about how you don’t like water.
Kathi: It’s not that I don’t like water.  I just don’t like it dripping from me.
Me: More about how you would look at us in the pool as if we were swimming in a pool of warm urine.
Kathi: They are about the same temperature.



Becky: Today will be successful if I don’t kill someone today.
(11 year old Aaron): And how do you feel about that?

At church, My nephew Kevin turns to my sister and says " I wish there was half time, so you could take a break to go to the bathroom." So True.  

Me: Every once in a while someone tells me I should do stand-up and I’m always like…so you and I can awkwardly hang out in a club as I tell you the same jokes that you could get for free every week?
Becky: I know! It’s taken me a lifetime to put together this material.  With one show I’d be tapped out!


  
Me: We have off on Monday?
Becky (giggling): You totally would have shown up and texted me “Where the hell is everyone?” and I would have laughed and laughed. 




Becky: I’m going to see The Presidents of the United States tonight?
Me: Are the Crash Test Dummies opening for them?

Me to Rach at the beginning of Valentine's Day: Wait--who is the hot mess in our circle of friends? I hope it's not me.  
Rach: I don't think we have one. 
Me: Every group has one. 
Me to Rach by the end of the movie: Yea.  I'm definitely the hot mess. 




Luke:  Dad and I are going to install the stereo in my room which is going to be so much better than when I just taped the speakers to the wall and then they fell down on my while I was sleeping.

Jordan: We watched the worst movie ever last night.
Me: Wait; remember you are talking to a woman that thought Cone head’s was an award winning movie.
Rach: I never said that! I just thought it was entertaining.
Jordan:  I don’t think anyone would watch that entire movie—not anyone with working hands anyway.   So we watched “The Seat Filler.” We never learned how to become a seat filler (which is why we put it on). 
Me: I’ve always wanted to know!
Jordan to Rach: You wouldn’t have liked it either; there was no one from France in it.        

      


Me: Look!  I got all of these brochures!
Jordan: On the off chance you actually decide to leave the house?
Me:  Not fair! I had to stay in the house, I hurt my eye!
Rach: Did you wear an eye patch?
Jordan: Aye.

(For 2 days, while wearing the patch for the hurt eye, I was constantly being greeted with “Hey Cap’t! Yo ho ho Hook! And peg leg jokes. And let’s not forget an email from Becky that said “We could play Marco Polo or learn how to read brail.”  Soooo supportive.)




Luke (to me): Tufts, you don’t want that guy, he’s not very pure.
Jordan: Who ever said she was looking for someone pure?

Me: Luke.  Jen told me she had a dream about you performing a mash up of Phantom of the Opera and Pink Floyd.  She wanted me to tell you that you were brilliant.
Luke: Yea.  That wouldn’t happen.  The only cover we do is the Cure b/c it’s the only band we can agree on. 
Me: I feel like you missed the point.

Me: I saw your floor today!
Luke: What were you doing looking at my stuff?
Jordan: It’s kind of hard for her not to see your stuff when it is piled up outside her door.
Me: And I need to literally push it out of the way to get out. 




In other news, I watched four seasons of Dexter this week which might explain the lack of activity this week.  Also, this morning we went to the Pink Gorilla to get some VG controllers and SNES games—and grab some brunch with Rach only—I hadn’t had enough coffee and was a complete cranky witch (sorry!) until we got to portage bay cafĂ©.  While we were waiting…

Luke: How do we know they are actually making our food?
Rach: We don’t.  And frankly, I don’t trust our waiter. 



Bonus Via FB: 
Me: I just pulled a muscle getting up off the couch.  Pretty sure this is The American Dream.
Mo: You can't pull something getting off the couch - that's like saying you can break your arm playing tag, oh wait, never mind
Me: IT WAS MAN HUNT!

Monday, February 14, 2011

Playing with Myself


I brought into work for lunch a Hunt’s Snack Pack of Pudding.
Me: I don’t know about this.
Becky: Do you only eat Jell-O pudding b/c of your undying love of Bill Cosby.
Me: Possibly.  I do know for sure I’m not eating another bite of this pudding.



I have definitely decided that Lucas’ new nickname shall be “Theopale.” Feel free to use it in a sentence today.  


Theopale: The more I think about it.  I really am a lot like Theo.  I wonder if he is really on a team or if he just carries that…. What’s it called again?
Me: A Basketball?
Theopale: Yes. 


Theopale: I have to do 5 minutes of sit-up so I don’t ruin my 8 day streak.
Me: I haven’t done sit-ups in 8 days and I don’t want to ruin that streak

Similarly…

Dawne (coming down to the music room): Lucas! We only have 5 glasses upstairs in the Kitchen!
Theopale: Well, there are only 5 glasses down here!

Theopale: Today I was doing Screen Printing in class and it had gone really well and I was leaving school and I was in a really good mood.  The weather was nice.  The sun was shining. I was feeling pretty good about myself.  Had a little bounce in my step.  I get to the bus stop and someone turns to me and says “You have a little something on your face.”  Turns out I had blue ink all down my cheek and neck.  Perfect.

After baking donuts last Saturday, I then wanted to try making Roy’s mom’s fried donuts.  We used pine tree and teddy bear cutters to make the holes so they looked as good as they tasted.  However, I burned my hand making the delicious donuts.  I think it was God telling me that I shouldn’t be eating donuts.  Theopale and I put together a business plan that involved only selling the inside shaped donuts and only haveing store locations that were hard to find and calling the whole chain “Off the Beaten Path.”  And no, I don’t see anything wrong with this business plan. 




Speaking of God, (I wanted to say speak of the devil but obviously I meant quite the opposite.)  I came up to Becky’s desk early last week and asked what she was doing.  She told me that she was reading up on Lent.
Me: Why?
Becky: I want to convince my Baptist Bible Study group to participate in lent this year.
Me: Wait, your bible study group is Baptist?
Becky: Yup.
Me: And you’re… Roman Catholic?
Becky: Yup.
Me: And now you want them to start observing lent?
Becky: Yup. 
Me: Okay then.

I was not made to host a parasite. – My pregnant boss.


Me: I think your birthday is on Friday the 13th this year.
Mo: Let me see… hmm well according to the school calendar I have in front of me there is no Friday the 13th, there is May 12th, May 12th and then May 14th
Yup, that school’s calendar is really hitting it out of the park. I’d like to assume its Sleepy Hollow’s Calendar, but I think we all know that reeks of the Lakeland School District.





Mo: We must be raising our kid’s right.  All three of them ran into the house yelling “We got our report cards!!”
Pat: When I was in school I would get off the bus telling my friends “See you in a few weeks, I got my report card.”

Maureen: I have these two study hall periods and I decided on the first day to tell everyone to take their math books out.  As they were still groaning, I told them hey, you have a Math teacher here to help, use this opportunity to get some help.  So now, I am doing math ALL DAY LONG without a single break.
Me: But you did it to yourself.
Maureen (in the most pathetically whiney voice.): I kno-o-o-w I did!


Maureen was telling her students about a particularly mean math teacher that she and my brother Sean had at the same time in H.S.:

Teacher to Sean (in a condescending baby voice): Do you need your little sister to help?
Mo: I know it! I know it! Pick me! Pick me!




Mo: I went to Albany, My sister and brother went to Penn State.
Students: Really!?
Mo: Why would I lie about that?

Maureen often says “True Story” after her stories and her Students have been using it, in a mocking way as if she doesn’t realize she says it.  But she knows what she’s saying.  I have also started to use the phrase, and when BDug stopped me and said “Uh, that’s actually a fact, not a story” I decided to that I am replacing “Fact” with “True Story.”  Let the hilarity ensue!

Grammy Commentary:

Shana: What is in Bob Dylan’s hand?
Rach: I don’t even think he knows.

Shana: Oh Ricky Martin. I know you're gay now but silver jeggings at the Grammy's? Unacceptable.
Shana: McDonalds loves deaf Spaniards! And they apparently enjoy a Mac Attack.
Shana: Barbara!! Darling, all you're missing is a mint julep and Lady Gaga's hat.

Shana: (Barbara and Kris) aren’t going to perform again are they?
Me: Oh no, they are just using each other to get up the stairs.

Rach: Puff Daddy. Are those gold teeth or are you experiencing severe gingivitis? 

Shana: Thanks for the seizure Arcade Fire

Jordan: It’s been an hour and how many awards have we seen? 
Me: That would be one. 




Me: Why do you insist on using a teapot when we have insta-hot?
Theopale: It’s the seeping.  The insta-hot doesn’t allow a good seep.  I need more seeping. 

Jordan: You should put all of that food on a tray.
Me: We have trays?
 Jordan: A bunch of them.
Me: By a bunch you mean 40, right? B/c we always go from having none, to 40, use them once for a party and then never use them again.
Jordan: Exactly, only now we’ll use one of the 40. 

Theopale: I just quoted the one Monday email that I read.
Me: And he quoted himself.
Theopale: Well of course.  I only read my own press.

Me: Is there ever really such a thing as TOO much of a Jokester?
Theopale: Ah. Ya.  You.

Me: Hey, Mr. Environmentalist.  Ever think it might be better to use a towel instead of 4 paper towels?
Theopale: Get with the times, Tiffany.
Me: The TIMES?
Theopale: The times begin with an H. For Hypocritical.




Friday night, Jordan tells me he wants to have a game night the following night and that I need to invite my friends’ b/c he doesn’t have any.  I send off a quick invite and receive 12 rejections in short order, most of which were “Reply All.”  Jen suggested I name my Monday email “Playing with myself” seeing as no one else wanted to.  I mentioned that I had already titled it “Rejected and Dejected.”

Jordan: We need to do something really fun tonight.
Me: Okay, sure.  Why?
Jordan: So everyone can see what they were missing by not hanging out with us.
Me: Jordan, I received 12 rejections—which means 12 people already had plans tonight and none of them invited us to any of those plans.
Jordan: That’s harsh. 
Me: I know.  So I don’t think it matters what we do.  Is there anything that you’ve always wanted to do but couldn’t?
Jordan: Tiffany.  Does that sound like me?
Me: Good point.  Let’s watch Six Feet Under.

(Later, after watching the first 2 episodes of SFU we had to watch 2 episodes of the Cosby Show to cheer us back up.)




So I went out and bought 100 pairs of socks so I could replace all of the singletons in my sock drawer.  When I came home I announced that I was going to tackle the sock drawer and went upstairs.  4 hours later.

Me: I have a confession to make.  When I said I was going to tackle me sock drawer, I really just dumped all of the socks out of the drawer onto the floor and put the new socks in.  I couldn’t bring myself with hunting through to make pairs.
Jordan:  Welcome.  Welcome to our world.  I have a great idea.  Let’s gather them together and then give them to homeless people on the corner around town.
Me: But they won’t be matching!
Jordan: You know, I don’t think they’ll care. 

Alright… Congratulations to Debina H. on getting engaged on Saturday and Happy Valentine’s Day  Folks!


P.S. as I was bout to hit send, Becky came over to my desk so we could go get coffee and I accidentally deleted this whole post.  She started cracking up... as if losing all of my work was funny and as if I wouldn't have CRIED if I really did delete it.  Proving that comedy really is tragedy that happens to other people.

Thursday, February 10, 2011

Why I’m Not Bitter…


.. Unless of course I don’t get any presents.  My main complaint about Valentine’s Day is I don’t have any complaints about Valentine’s Day.  But I’ll give it a whirl because I was asked so nicely for a Valentine’s Day Special.



  •  “Singles” are morally and certifiably obligated to be resentful towards the holiday and I have yet to figure out why.  I mean I’m pathetic and sad all year long… but on Valentine’s Day there is a possibility for candy and presents.
  • That’s right; lots of Valentine’s include candy these days.  Although, I don’t know how conversational those hearts really are—unless, do I (perhaps) talk more than the average bear? Plus, have you ever tried to make a sentence or, actually have a conversation, with these things?


“Cute Pie! Ask Me!”
“Why Not. Oh Boy. Hug Me?”
“Sure Love. What Ever. I Will.”
“How Sweet. Lover Boy. You’re Tops. Kiss Me?”
“You Bet. All Mine!”
“Get Real. Be Good. “

And then all I can think of is, man, did you wash your hands before you touched ALL of the candy to come up with those?
  • I really dig wearing red, pink and all the shades in between and it’s like the only day in which all of the shades are being represented in equal measure.  In fact, if you’re lucky, you’ll be able to see yours truly trying to wear them all at once. 
  • When else are you going to have a good occasion to use doilies?
  • Evivova completely stressed me out in H.S. telling me that they give out flowers during home room, and people walk around announcing who was special enough to get flowers and then bestowing the finest carnation in the land on their desk.  And if no one loved you, everyone would know by the stark emptiness of your speckled plastic desk.  Now that I’m older, I would have made the investment to not only learn everyone’s name in my class, but also get flowers for everyone anonymously so that they could avoid those horrifying minutes.  Either that, or not listened to Evivova.  Definitely one of those.
  • I heart sending Valentine’s because it is the one day a year in which you can get away with giving out mushy cards with dogs saying “I Ruff you!” and “Be Mine.” and just plain  old “I love you.  You’re special to me.” to anyone and everyone without anyone thinking too deeply about it—but still making them smile.  (I mean, I didn't make any this year.  But I totally could have.)
  • My mom sometimes likes to remind me that if hadn't broken up with such and such I would have a date right now… and that always makes me pause and think about such and such and realize “I’d have to spend Valentine’s day with Such and Such” and feel validated in my decision making.
  • I have purposely said no to date’s on Valentine’s Day, pushing them back or forward a day, just to take the pressure off of both of us.  Valentine’s Day should be fun… NOT stressful.  It’s a made up, hallmark toting, sugar fest of a holiday that should be filled with bubbles of happiness and joy.  No worries, just adult beverages and love.
  • What better excuse could I ever come up with to get drunk and watch romantic comedies than February 14th?
  • Finally, Valentine’s Day is the most glaring reminder that my mother’s birthday is the 15th I could ever have… so I have NEVER forgotten her birthday.  “Thanks Valentine’s Day! Love, Karen’s Kids.” 



   I'm often very insecure about the humor level of my ramblings... this one was particularly shaky so I asked Becky to read it and let me know if it was funny or not.  Always enormously helpful, I received the following moments later: 



Monday, February 7, 2011

Teacup Full of Scotch

Becky has been harassing her husband to get text messaging added to his phone plan—so he did.  Then she says to me “So now my goal is to make him regret that he got text messaging.”   An example of her plan was when she texted said hubby from the bathroom for him to come upstairs—and then asked him to hand her a book b/c she was going to be in there for a while.  As he left the room she could hear him mumbling “the most ridiculous person alive.”





I got an email from my father this morning: I have finally read your anecdotes and I am wondering about the Freudian comment of "drinking Luke to school"?    Me: I don’t *think* it was significant... but after this morning I’m not entirely sure. 





I told Becky that I have been showering at night and that going to bed with a wet head has caused a daily development of crazy hair every morning that I attempt to tame with a curling iron-or at least transform into crazy curl.  The following day Becky informed me that despite the fact that the day before she had told me that she NEVER goes to bed with a wet head, she did so last night.  Really, Becky? You thought that I sold the whole “showering at night” thing so well you decided to do it yourself?




Dawne had a dream that I made us all very rich by solving the whole showering at night and still having great hair thing… so look out world for my enormously wonderful contribution to society coming to you sooner than you think.  My parents will be so proud.





As I may have mentioned, I brought up my true dismay in D&J’s parenting skills when I discovered that Luke had never seen the Cosby show.  They, without pause, mentioned that I had arrived to Seattle when he was 7 and that I had raised him as much as they had.  Taking this breaking news seriously, we started watching the Cosby show immediately.  Luke has decided emphatically that he is the white version of Theo.  When he asked to watch more of the Cosby Show, Jordan announced that he had a movie for us to watch, Stage Beauty.  I interrupted him with “is it a documentary?”  This was followed by a number of jokes and then an agreement to watch another episode of The Cosby Show before the movie.  By the time we started the movie, I was already sleepy, only to find out it was totally a movie that I would enjoy.  My mockery has foiled me again. 


Luke wanted to work out with me.  I realized shortly after, it was only b/c he wanted to wear his new short shorts (red with white piping) and white knee high socks with 2 red stripes.  Did I mention we were working out in the basement?




Expedia had this party for Chinese New Year so the whole building was going down to partake in the excitement, which meant an enormous amount of traffic in the elevator.  The camaraderie of the other travelers was making it impossible for Becky and I to be the focal point of the elevator.  I looked at Becky in a disturbing panic over our lack of control.  She saved the day by announcing to one and all about her excessive ear mucus. 





While at the mall, I saw these cool globes made out of roses.  Naturally, Luke and I went out immediately to buy supplies to make these circles of awesome.  Our calculations were a little off and we couldn’t finish even a single globe… we were never good at math.






I had brunch with some of my favorite people this weekend.  Partially b/c I hadn’t seen them in a while and partially b/c I had lunch with Jen last week and we were talking about not seeing certain people very often and I wanted to prove that I could, in fact, still hang out with them.  Naturally, when they arrived we were distracted by playing Chinese checkers. Also naturally, I won that game, and the victory was as glorious as the company.

We were chatting about the hotness of Tom Selleck the other night, which made me want to have a Three Men and a Baby and Three Men and a Little Lady party.  I lasted less than 18 hours before I decided I couldn’t wait.  So we watched that instead of the Super Bowl.  Don’t worry, I caught the last 2 minutes of the game and watched the commercials on Hulu so I’m all caught up with society. 





Luke: So we can make donuts later.
Me: Later, but not later today.
Luke: Later is a very ambiguous term.
Me: I realize that, but you when you say it you mean later as in as soon as possible.
Luke: You don’t know that.
Me: Yes, I do.  We also have to get Biscuits.
Luke: Biscuits.  That’s another ambiguous term.

--Later (that day)—

Luke: Can we make Donuts?







Missy: So my grandmother is sitting there with a teacup full of scotch…
Shana: And now you have the name of your memoirs “A Teacup Full of Scotch.”





Laina: It’s Aluminum Foil, not Tin Foil.  They haven’t made it with Tin in 100 years.
Me: I’m not going to stop calling it Tin Foil. 
Laina: Okay, but you’re wrong.  I had to tell you b/c it drives me crazy, and also, you’re wrong.
Me: Why would I say Aluminum when I can say Tin and you still know what I’m talking about? And just for that, I’m going to call the refrigerator an “Ice Box”

 This song is for you Laina, http://thelonelytomato.com/media/ please select “Lunch time – Board of Education” for musical magic.

Becky brought in cupcakes today with little Steelers toppers.  I asked her, “Do these cupcakes taste different because of the extra saltiness from your tears?”





Went to Missy and Charles’ for a Chinese New Year’s Party on Saturday in which we were all supposed to write down our sins on a piece of paper and then we would literally burn away our sins.  Naturally, I had a hard time coming up with sins, but after baking mini donuts with Luke that afternoon and eating them like tic-tac’s, I wrote down “Gluttony” and then wrote “Anger” as a second sin.  I realized that the people at the party were focused on the seven deadly sins from the movie instead of, you know, the Ten Commandments.  Perhaps I should have added associating with heathens to the list? :P  Laina decided she needed to put “Too Sexy” on her piece of paper.  I told her that wasn’t really a sin seeing as how God made her that way.  On an unrelated note, she also dropped her phone onto the cupcakes.  I can’t remember the circumstances, but I can only imagine it was b/c she was distracted by the two shiny engagement rings she had pilfered from Jen and Missy. 






Kevin: I want to go snowboarding instead of skiing.
Maureen: Why?
Kevin: B/c Nana got me a snowboard for Christmas.  What do you want me to do just stare at it forever in the back yard?

Back in college, I was hopelessly in love with this guy (emphasis on hopelessly).  My friend Janette was going down to where he lived (a couple states away) and I gave her a gift and a disposable camera, and had her take pictures and hide the gift somewhere in the city in which the guy lived.  I then sent him a letter with a picture clue every day for two weeks.  I was stoked about my awesome plan because a) I thought I was soooo clever and b) b/c then it would look like I went all the way down to where he lived and didn’t bother to call him which left me in a fit of giggles.  Only, he ended up getting all of the letters on the same day and by the time he got to the place, the gift was gone.  (I had sent a set of keys, insinuating that I had stashed a car somewhere, when really it was keys to a safe that held a matchbox car version of his favorite car.)  Completely dejected and disappointed over the complete failure of this birthday project, I never wanted to talk about it again.  The other day, this same guy told me he made a reference to me in a magazine.  The reference?  Most romantic thing someone has done for you: Someone created a birthday scavenger hunt for me.  So, even if my most romantic gesture ended up being a complete failure on multiple fronts, the fact that he thought it was sweet, is pretty sweet.   (This will be the first “sweet” entry of www.sweetandsarcastic.com  I was bound to show my other side eventually.)




While at lunch with Jen and Becky, I mention that I never just invite people over to watch something.
Jen: Sure you do! Remember that one time and everyone came?
Me: You mean that time that everyone said no, and then they all magically showed up when someone broke up with their boyfriend?
Jen: Oh yea.  That time. But to be fair, we would all have showed up if you broke up with someone.
Me: I guess we’ll never know.
(Jen and Becky cracking up with laughter.)
Becky: Oh wait, we mean, you’ll find someone honey.



I was talking to D&J yesterday about my friend who was adamant against real diamonds and had a power point (that I still don’t want to see) about why people should only buy synthetic diamonds.  Dawne was very adamant about real diamonds b/c she believes that an engagement ring is the first time a man buys something that he can’t afford for someone else and it proves that he can support her and their future children.  She also said she would be really unhappy if I came home with an engagement that wasn't a real diamond. 
Luke: I don’t think it matters what the ring is made out of plastic, metal, whatever. It’s just a symbol that you’ll be spending your life together forever.
Me: Whoa. Hey now! Forever.  Which means I don’t want a Cracker Jack ring that is going to disintegrate in the shower or leave a green ring around my finger.  I have some standards… not high, but some. 
Dawne: Jordan, seriously, what would you say if Tiffany came home with a fake diamond?
Jordan: I think I’d say that we need to find her a different room b/c her room isn’t big enough for two people.
Dawne: You aren’t taking this seriously.